“No, no, not at all,” Catriona said quickly. “At least, not intentionally. None of this is his fault. I am the one to be blamed.”
“I sincerely doubt that,” Ava snapped, but Catriona knew her anger was not directed at her. “How could he let you leave in this state? Does he even know that you’re here?”
“I left quite early, so I’m not certain. I left a note in my bedchamber.” But Catriona couldn’t honestly say that she was certain he would find it. He might not even notice her absence at all. “And I do hope he does not know that I am in such a debilitating state.”
“Why not?” Ava demanded to know. “He is your husband. Shouldn’t he be aware if something is wrong?”
“Not if he is the cause of it,” Maisie murmured. When Catriona looked at her, her youngest sister was observing her with realization dawning in her eyes. “Catriona… have you fallen in love with him?”
The question hit her harder than she thought it would. She couldn’t bring herself to respond with words. It was taking all her strength not to burst into sobs again, her bottom lip wobbling with the force of her restraint, tears continuing to stream down her face. All she did was nod.
“Oh.” Ava deflated. “Oh dear.”
“I have made quite the mess of things, haven’t I?” Catriona managed to say. She wiped her face even though it was useless. It seemed she had an unending wealth of tears. “The only reason we married in the first place was because I was certain I would be able to meet his demands. He did not want anything but a marriage of convenience and even that I failed at.”
“Oh, Cat, you aren’t to be blamed for that,” Maisie quickly assured her. “He is your husband. It is not hard to believe that you would develop affection for him if you two are living under the same roof.”
“And it was quite easy to see that you two had a connection,” Ava added with an encouraging smile. “I am not at all surprised that this has happened.”
“You two don’t understand,” Catriona said with a soft sigh. “I cannot love him. I simply cannot. Affection is one thing andhaving a connection with him is another. But love is on a plane that I never should have touched. Especially a love as all-consuming as this one. Because he can never love me back.”
“You don’t know that,” Maisie began, but Catriona was already shaking her head.
“I do know that. His actions and his words are aligned on that fact. I would be quite delusional to assume otherwise. I love him, and he will not return my feelings.”
Both sisters were silent, clearly out of their element. There was nothing they could say to make her feel better, however. This was not a fixable situation. The only thing Catriona could hope to do was fall out of love with him or give herself time to get used to the fact that he could never return her feelings. But how long would that take? Months? Years?
“I’m sorry, Catriona,” Ava said at last. “I wish I knew the right thing to say.”
“There is no right thing to say,” Catriona said softly. “That is, sadly, the reality of my situation. There is nothing I can do but accept it.”
“Are you certain that he does not return your affections?” Maisie insisted. “When I watch you two, I cannot help but think that?—”
“Maisie,” Ava spoke before Catriona could. “Enough. I don’t think that is helping.”
Maisie deflated but nodded. Catriona understood where she was coming from. Her youngest sister was the hopeless romantic after all. The one capable of finding a positive light in every dark situation. If anyone were to hold on to the hope that Joseph might grow to love her back, it would be Maisie.
Catriona, on the other hand, had let go of that idea since last night. Joseph had kissed her, yes. But that was it. He did not love her. He did not want to love her. And hoping for that love was going to make her feel worse.
She shifted, lying on her side. She rested her head in Ava’s lap, and Maisie shifted down, letting her rest her feet on hers. Catriona let the exhaustion claim her as she closed her eyes. Sleep, hopefully, would be a break from her overwhelming emotions. She needed her to regain her strength to face the rest of the day. Heaven knew she would crumble to a million pieces without it.
CHAPTER 23
It had been three days since Catriona left for Heaton Manor. Joseph didn’t know what to do with himself any longer. He couldn’t work, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. He worried about her constantly, fighting the urge to go seek her out with every second that ticked past. At points, he sat on the steps of the grand staircase in the foyer and stared at the door, willing it to open and for Catriona to walk inside. He left to see her, intending to march right up to Heaton Manor and beg her to come back to him before he thought better of it. That was when he realized that he might be losing it a little.
It felt as if he was losing pieces of himself with every passing day. He was lost, adrift, a shell of his former self.
But he held up a good front. He didn’t crack until, on the evening of the third day, Dorothea came knocking on the door of his office and walked in to ask, “When is Stepmother coming back home?”
He stood there, whiskey in hand, staring at his daughter who looked so sad that it broke his heart. She had only asked about Catriona one time, the day she’d first left, and Joseph told her that Catriona had returned to Heaton Manor to be with her sisters. He hadn’t explained the reason, hadn’t told her that he was to be blamed, but somehow, he sensed that Dorothea knew there was more to it.
She didn’t ask about her again, however. Not until now, when it seemed she could not hold it in any longer.
Joseph sighed heavily, making his way to the sofa. He gestured for her to come closer, and she did, sitting on his right. “I don’t know when she’s coming home,” Joseph admitted at last.
Dorothea pouted. “I miss her.”
He said nothing. He only drained his glass.
