She didn’t. She couldn’t understand him. He hardly did himself.
Catriona stood. Joseph watched her as she swallowed slowly, brushing her hands lightly against the front of her dress. He could see her slowly piecing herself back together, and if there had been any hint of tears before, they were gone when she turned to him.
“Goodnight, Joseph.”
She started to walk by him. He acted without thinking.
He caught her wrist, forcing her to stop. Catriona waited a beat before she looked him in the eye. For a moment, he saw a hint of hope, of question. But still, he could say nothing. His throat clogged with all the words he could not quite get out.
That smidgen of hope fizzled out quickly. She gently pried her wrist from his grip and walked away.
Joseph watched her go, unease coiling in the pit of this stomach. The further she went, the more it felt as if he was making a terrible mistake. He just didn’t know what.
The next few days felt like torture for Catriona. She had to pretend she was fine, pretend as if she wasn’t looking for Joseph around every corner and in every room. She acted as if their moment that night in the gardens hadn’t been akin to a spiny vine wrapping around her heart and squeezing.
She was developing feelings for him. She might even… she might even love him.
But she wouldn’t allow herself to explore those emotions any further because it would only end in heartbreak. His silence had said as much that night. That kiss they’d shared had meant nothing to him. He’d been vulnerable, caught up in the moment, and did it without thinking. The more she told herself that, the more she would believe it. Eventually.
For now, she decided to stop hoping to see him and to avoid him altogether. But she knew that tonight, a mere four days after they kissed, she would have no chance of that.
Because they were meant to attend a ball together.
She sat as still as a lamppost at her vanity table. It had been hours already since she’d started getting ready, thirty minutes since she was finished, but she couldn’t bring herself to get up. She knew eventually that Joseph would grow tired of waiting and come and fetch her himself. Was that what she was hoping for?
“Cat, you silly girl,” she chastised herself softly, “he is more likely to leave without you than come to get you himself. Take your head out of the clouds.”
Talking to herself like that helped, even if it didn’t make swallowing the truth any easier.
She got to her feet, ignoring the tremor of trepidation ricocheting throughout her bones as she made her way to the door of her bedchamber. She opened the door, halting to the sight of Joseph standing on the other end, fist raised and poised to knock.
“Oh. You’re ready.” He lowered his hand. “I was coming to see how much longer you would be.”
She didn’t trust herself to speak, so she said nothing. She didn’t think herself strong enough to look away either, so she stared at him.
A few seconds of tense silence persisted between them. Joseph stared back at her as if he had a million things he wished to say but couldn’t. She hated that. She didn’t think she would like any of it.
“Let us go then,” she suggested at last, her voice far softer than she’d wanted it to be.
He nodded then briskly turned and walked away. Catriona followed behind, noting the fact that, even though his pace was faster than hers, he was keeping close to her, as if he did not want to get too far ahead. Catriona hated that simple act of consideration. How did he expect her not to grow feelings for him when he made her hope like that?
Thankfully, he remained quiet all the way to the carriage. Catriona hoped he would enter on his own, leaving her to her own devices, but he was a gentleman to the very end. He openedthe door for her and even took her gloved hand, sending a thrill through her body as she climbed in. She didn’t dare to look at him and prayed desperately that the blush she could feel creeping up her neck was not visible.
Then he was in the carriage, and they were off. The silence was choking her. But she had no intention of breaking it first.
“How was your day?”
Her heart skipped a beat at the question. She didn’t dare look at him though every muscle in her body wanted to.
“It was fine.”
“Good. Good.” More silence. She thought he was done but then, “We don’t have to stay at for long. I know you do not like balls very much.”
This time, she lost the mental battle and glanced at him, heart stopping in her chest when she saw that he was already looking at her. “You don’t have to do that.”
“The last thing I want is for you to be uncomfortable.”
“I think it is a bit too late for that.”
