CHAPTER 20
Staying awake late at night had become the norm for Joseph. At first it was because he needed the extra hours at the end of the day to keep working, the silence of the night comforting in a manner that the daytime could not bring him. He often left his office exhausted which made falling asleep easier since he couldn’t deal with his memories creeping up on him.
Now, he stayed awake because he was haunted by newer memories. Ones that kept him from his work.
He shoved his hands into his pockets, frustrated with himself. It had been hours since the picnic with Catriona and Dorothea, and he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what he’d done. He’d broken his rule. He’d allowed himself to give in to his urges, and now, he had made quite the mess of things.
How could he possibly face Catriona now? How could he, when he could hardly face himself?
As he drifted along in the garden, he thought of how often he saw her walking this very same path and how many times he’d wanted to drop everything to go be with her. He thought of that little patch in the garden that Dorothea still believed was a secret, and a betraying warmth spread throughout his chest.
When he looked ahead, he thought he could almost see Catriona sitting under one of the gazebo, face tilted up to the sky.
This is getting out of hand. Now I’m seeing things.
He shook his head as if to clear the image from his mind and continued along his walk, but when he looked up again, there she was once more. But this time, the mirage was staring at him.
“Joseph?”
The mirage had a voice. Which meant…
His heartbeat picked up the pace. Joseph kept himself still for a moment, wondering if he had willed her to be here without realizing it. She didn’t move from where she sat, only looking at him with as much stillness as he looked at her.
Then she turned her head, looking back up at the sky.
He managed to uproot his feet from the ground, going to the gazebo even though he knew better. It was safer to turn around right now and leave her be. He could face her when he had a clearer head. But his heart won the fight.
“I didn’t know you were one for late night strolls through the garden,” she murmured softly without looking at him.
“I’m not,” he admitted. “Not usually.”
“Then there must be something on your mind.” She spoke matter-of-factly with just a hint of resignation. “I wonder if it is the same thing that is on mine.”
He was willing to bet everything he owned that it was.
He was tempted to go closer to her, but he thought better of it. It was better to keep his distance so that the spell that she always seemed to put him under did not take effect. But with the way she gazed up at the sky, that moonlit glow on her cheeks and twinkle in her eyes, he wasn’t quite confident in his plan.
“Joseph, I… I would just like to say that I…”
He held his breath. “That you what?”
Catriona glanced uncertainly at him then shook her head. “It’s no matter.”
“I’m sure it is, or you wouldn’t be hesitating so often.”
“I’m hesitating because I’m unsure of whether I should say what I am thinking when I am certain I already know the answer.”
“The answer to what?”
She caught his gaze. “To us.”
Joseph said nothing. A dozen and one things raced through his head at once, but none of them were appropriate, and all of them were at odds with one another. He knew what he should say, but it warred with what he wanted to say. He knew how he should be acting, the boundaries he should be reestablishing, but he hesitated still. This was for Dorothea, he reminded himself. This was for the future of the family and the dukedom. He could not allow himself to love because he didn’t know how to love. He hardly knew how to care for his own daughter, even though he loved her dearly. Letting this fondness for Catriona grow into something it shouldn’t was only a recipe for disaster.
Worse, he was only going to hurt her. He couldn’t love Hannah, and he’d spent years wondering if that was what had brought her to the brink. He’d spent years blaming himself, wondering if he should have done more. The last thing he wanted was for the same thing to happen to Catriona. He didn’t want to be a disease in her life, eating away at her will to live.
Even now, she looked sad, even though there was a faint smile playing at her lips.
“I thought as much,” she murmured. “Now, I completely understand you, Joseph.”
