Catriona couldn’t bring herself to say anything after that. Realization and horror washed her in sweat.
Joseph didn’t need her response, however. He was lost in the sad memories. “I don’t know what caused it. I refused to believe that it was Dorothea because she’d always wanted to be a mother. But I couldn’t ignore the fact that it happened right after Dorothea’sbirth. One moment she was her usual self, full of laughter with a zest for life, and the next, she hardly left her bed, hardly ate, hardly laughed, hardly spoke. She only cried and slept.
“Joseph, I’m… I’m so sorry."
“I never loved her, you know.” He looked at her, and the shadow of pain in his eyes hit Catriona square in her chest. “But I think she loved me. I thought that, because of that, I would be able to help her get out of her melancholy. It’s why I filled the house with roses—because they were her favorite flowers. It’s why I spent so much time by her side, hoping she would notice that I was there. That I cared, even if I could not give my heart to her. But it was not enough. Neither I nor Dorothea was enough.”
She licked her lips, hating the question she was about to ask but needing to know. “Is that how she passed away?”
Slowly, he nodded. “One day, I managed to get her out of her room, and I brought her down to the creek near our castle in Scotland. I thought it would help her. She always liked the water after all. But all she did was try to drown herself when I was not looking.”
Catriona covered her mouth, but it wasn’t enough to stop her gasp. That explained why he was so afraid of Dorothea going near the river.
“I locked her in her room after that, not trusting her to leave. Not until I knew she’d at least gotten a little better. Not for a seconddid I think she would be able to harm herself in there. But… she found a way. She drank an entire bottle of laudanum.”
“Oh, Joseph. I’m…” She couldn’t find the right words. She could hardly find the strength to speak with tears clogging her throat.
Joseph returned her attention to Dorothea, who was still blissful asleep during all of this. “To this day, I don’t know how she got her hands on it. It’s a mystery I was never able to solve, one I left in Scotland. I moved here, determined to raise Dorothea away from all the pain she could not understand. I thought coming to London would be better for her, but all I did was neglect her the way my father neglected me.”
She didn’t let herself think twice about what she did next. She took his hand, interlacing her fingers with his. It made him look at her as she leaned closer, his eyes widening slightly.
“What matters now is that you know better,” she told him. “Dorothea is still young. There’s still time to do better.”
He searched her face with a rawness she’d never thought she’d witness on him. It felt as if he’d torn open the seams of the wounds he’d sutured close just for her to see his raw and bleeding heart.
“What if I make a mistake? What if I do or say something that will ruin her forever?”
She smiled gently. “And that’s why you have me.”
She meant it as a jest, hoping to lighten his mood just a bit. But his lips stayed in a straight line, his eyes fixed on her.
For one quick moment, his eyes dipped to her lips. Catriona hardly had the chance to think about what he was going to do before he dipped his head towards her.
It was nothing like the first time they’d kissed. During their wedding, she knew it would happen, a formality that they decided not to avoid but a formality all the same. Even though it had rocked her to her core, had shaken her values and opened up her mind to possibilities she’d never allowed herself to consider, Catriona had always understood the truth of it.
This time, she felt the rawness of his emotions, a gentleness that spoke of something she didn’t dare hope for. Yet he leaned in, his lips molding perfectly against hers, almost desperate for her. She was frozen against him, but he didn’t pull away. He only slid his hand up her arm to cup her cheek. One brush of his thumb and she was gone.
Just as she relaxed, easing into his touch, he pulled away. But his hand remained on her cheek, his eyes tendered as he regarded her.
She didn’t know what to say. She was afraid to break the silence, dread swarming her insides. He was going to pull away, she knew. He was going to come his senses, and he was going to regret giving into his more basic desires.
He said nothing. He only stared at her. As if he was waiting for her to speak first.
Catriona cleared her throat, far too aware of the fact that her face was as hot as the sun and probably showing it. “I, well—we can… we should probably… uh, bring Dorothea home.”
Joseph said nothing for a moment then he nodded. “We should.”
She couldn’t bring herself to look at him. Her heart still raced in her chest as she scrambled to her feet and busied herself by packing everything up. Joseph stood slowly, lifting Dorothea’s listless body in his arms. She slept like the dead, her arms hanging below her. He stood there, saying nothing until Catriona had gathered everything. She still didn’t look at him as she took the lead, far too aware of him trailing quietly behind her.
She wouldn’t allow herself to think about what had just happened until she was alone, until she was safe to process her thoughts. For now, Catriona focused completely on getting to the house without doing or saying something foolish.
Once they were back in the manor, Joseph stopped her to say, “I will bring Dorothea to her chambers.”
“Yes, and I shall take this to the kitchen.”
“I’m sure a maid can?—”
“It’s fine. I can do it myself.” She didn’t wait for him to protest again before racing away, heart ramming against her chest. She didn’t bother going to the kitchen. She met the butler on the way there, handed everything over to him, and made haste to her bedchamber where she hoped to come to terms with the fact that her entire world was now tilted on its axis.
