He’s been kind enough to let me stay here.
Soon, hopefully, I’ll have a place of my own, and if hedoesfind me annoying, it won’t really matter anymore.
Except itdoesmatter.
The truth is, I really like Remi. A lot.
And even though I know nothing could ever happen between us, this will never be more than friendship, I still want him to like me.
I want to be his friend. I want to be part of his life, not as Maddie’s ex, but asme. As Sebastian.
Maybe the theatre night will be a good chance to figure out where we stand. Or maybe it’ll be a disaster.
Whatever happens, the next step is talking to Anne. She’s been completely swamped with the launch of a new store for the brand she works for, so we haven’t had a chance to meet up like I’d hoped. We’ve just been texting.
Saturday night, we’re all meant to have dinner together again. I’m hoping to go with Remi, if he’s still up for it.
The thought that this fragile new friendship might already be over before it’s even begun… it just doesn’t make sense.
A strange heaviness starts pressing on my chest,
a tight, sinking feeling I know all too well.
The kind that always comes just before a panic attack.
I can’t let it happen. Not again.
But, as always, I don’t know how to stop it either.
The therapy I did in Paris never really helped.
And right now, all I can do is hold myself together, with every last bit of strength I have, and try, somehow, not to fall apart.
REMI
I feel absolutely awful about the way I’ve treated Sebastian.
After that completely inappropriate physical reaction the night I carried him to bed, I was so terrified something like that might happen again that I ended up spending the whole week avoiding him.
He’s clearly confused and probably a bit hurt by how I’ve been acting, but he hasn’t said a word. In fact, he’s gone out of his way to help out all week, even with everything he has going on at the conservatoire. Cleaning the flat, doing laundry, and cooking.
I tried to tell him to take a break, to let me pull my weight, it’s only fair we split those things evenly. But it was pointless.
Somehow, he even figured out my favourite foods and stocked the fridge with them. Almost every night, he left me a home-cooked meal in the microwave.
And I know I’ve probably confused him. Maybe even hurt him. Now, every time we cross paths, he looks at me with this uncertain, puppy-eyed expression that’s… genuinely heartbreaking.
I’m such an arse, he hasn’t done anything wrong. The truth is, I actually like having him around. More than I ever expected to.
But I can’t tell him that. Because then I’d have to explain why I’ve been keeping my distance. And obviously… I can’t do that.
And the worst part?
All the effort I’ve put into keeping my distance has been completely useless.
Because ever since I held him in my arms, something in my brain seems to have short-circuited.
I can’t stop thinking about him. Whether he’s in the room or not doesn’t even matter. Sebastian’s in my head now, and I have no idea how to get him out.
