‘Yes, you hurt her. But the decisions that caused the accident were hers.’ How could he not see that? ‘You weren’t responsible.’
‘I wreaked havoc on her life, Serena. And her family’s life. You should have seen the worry and pain on their faces at the hospital. Because of me. And the things they said…they were right.’
‘They were angry, Caleb. Upset and scared. They needed someone to blame and lash out at. But you’re not to blame. You shouldn’t be punishing yourself for what happened.’
He looked away again, and Serena inched closer, even though what she really wanted was to hold him as tight as she could, the way he had held her. He had condemned himself for what had happened, without seeing that a man without a conscience wouldn’t care. He would have moved on, absolved himself and forgotten. The fact that he carried what had happened meant that he’d never been, not even for a second, the reckless man he believed himself to have been. But he’d consigned himself to a prison of his own making as punishment for a crime he was determined to believe he was guilty of.
‘It’s as you said—you were young. You made a mistake. But you’re not the worst thing you’ve ever done.’ Did he not think he was deserving of love or a happy future? Of course, she realised, this was why he limited his involvement to the briefest period possible, painting thick lines around himself. Everything he hadn’t done with Charlotte. ‘That’s why it’s important to you that everything is neat and clear between us? So, there’ll be no misunderstandings?’
‘Yes.’
Serena nodded, wishing she knew what more to say, but as she searched for the right words, Caleb glanced at his watch and shifted. ‘It’s late and you’ve had a long day. You should get some rest.’
She didn’t want to agree. She wanted to stay locked in the moment with him, both of their guards down so that it felt like the beginning all over again, but she was exhausted, not to mention emotionally drained, and the fact that she wanted to stay meant she definitely needed to move. Because she had liked getting to know the man that Caleb was beneath his strong surface a little too much. So, distance was necessary now, to reset after such an emotional evening and pull her emotions back to safe ground. Because the last thing Serena needed, or wanted, was to get caught up in him, in their relationship, and Caleb had been clear on not wanting that either.I don’t have relationships.
He’d marry her, but he wanted nothing else. And Serena was determined to want nothing else from him either.
CHAPTER EIGHT
The music fromthe quartet changed, signalling the arrival of his bride, and Caleb’s shoulders tensed, the magnitude of the moment striking him squarely in the chest despite his efforts to pretend this was just another day.
It will be fine. You have this all under control,he assured himself in response to the apprehension thudding through his veins and thwacking against his heart like a drum as he thought back to the starlit moments he and Serena had shared on their beach just a few days ago, and how close they had drawn together in those moments.
Closer than he should ever have allowed…
But her confessions about her traumatic miscarriage and difficult relationship with her stepmother had touched a part of him that was normally untouchable, and once again, he’d felt sore at how much she’d endured, whilst also marvelling at her resilience and strength in refusing to give up. Feeling so much for her had shaken him, and before he’d really known what he was doing, and before he could silence himself, he’d been telling her about Charlotte.Why?He’d asked himself that question over and over again since, and as much as he’d tried telling himself it had been as a cautionary tale, a warning to Serena about wanting too much from him, he couldn’t make himself believe that. No, it was almost if he’d wanted to share it with her, to be as open and brave as she had been with him and offer up a part of himself, deepening their connection instead of halting it, which was bizarre to him because that was never something he’d wanted before. So, what had come over him in that moment?
And when she’d said he wasn’t to blame…for the first time Caleb had wondered if that could be true. Her assurance had felt stronger than his guilt, and for a moment he’d wondered if he wasn’t destined to always cause pain, if he didn’t have to carry all that guilt with him into his future as a father. And husband.
Not that he wanted a real future, not with Serena, not with anyone. That was a decision he’d made long ago, long before Charlotte, after witnessing and experiencing the destruction that love could unleash.
The proud beaming man sitting in the front row with his wife of eight years by his side was not the father that Caleb had grown up with. Back then, his father had been broken and distant, tormented by the loss of his wife and unable to offer his son anything because there was nothing in him to give. Hollowed out himself from being deserted by his mother, Caleb had longed desperately for something,anything, from his father, and the ache when he hadn’t received it had been messy and tormented. Agonised, hopeless feelings had rattled in his body all day and night long—feelings he had worked hard to suppress and lock away and which he had no interest in unleashing again, and until now, until her, they’d never felt in any danger of being unlocked.
But Serena evoked more feeling in him that anyone else had ever managed to. And not because she was carrying his child and he felt a sense of responsibility towards her—he’d already tried dismissing it as that—but just because of who she was. That was what was most disconcerting—that for no apparent reason she exposed the soft spots that still existed within him. The pieces that could be made to feel.
To hurt.
Parts of himself that he didn’t want to exist, and keeping himself so busy in the preceding days had been as much about closing down those weaknesses within him as it was about preventing a repeat of anything that had arced between them on the beach—that sense of closeness and connection and the yearning for more of it—especiallythat.
Because there was no place for it, not in their marriage and certainly not in his life. The last thing he wanted was closeness and confidences. He was happy holding everyone at arm’s-length and didn’t want Serena to override his usual emotional reserve.
It had happened twice now…there couldn’t be a third time. He wouldn’t let there be. Their marriage was a practical endeavour after all, and after a lifetime eschewing emotion, it shouldn’t be difficult to heed the warnings filtering down from his brain that counselled—urged—caution. Distance.
He had managed it successfully the past few days, resetting their relationship to what it should be, and saw no reason for the lines to blur again.
Sensing Serena’s approach from the buzz running through the guests, Caleb turned his head, eager to prove that the past days distance had worked and he could look at her and remain detached… Only for the sight of her to punch every last whisp of air from his lungs.
She was…exquisite. Breathtaking.
Beyond retaining the services of a renowned French fashion designer and instructing them to provide a dress that endorsed his narrative of a whirlwind, fairy tale falling in love, he hadn’t much considered how Serena would look. Now he wished that he had in some way prepared himself, because then maybe his heart wouldn’t be beating quite so fast and the fabric of his custom suit wouldn’t feel quite so tight as his body swelled with sexual hunger.
The dress, whilst every inch the romantic and elegant creation he had specified, clung to her like a second skin, revealing to his appreciative eyes the changes wrought by the pregnancy. Her hips had more curve, and her breasts were unquestionably fuller. Whilst aware of his promise to maintain distance, physically as well as emotionally, suddenly he craved the taste of her in his mouth more than anything else, craved the intimacy of her essence lingering on his tongue. Caleb imagined drawing the material of the dress down and sucking her nipple in his mouth and an answering heat sliding sinuously in the pit of his stomach, before shooting south with all the force of a bullet.
Later, he thought excitedly, and it took a moment for awareness to strike that there wouldn’t be a later. Because this was not a real wedding. How had he forgotten that, even momentarily?
Serena reached him, her caramel eyes meeting his with a nervousness that she was clearly trying to fight, and he reached for her hand, squeezing it tight, belatedly telling himself he did so as part of the show.
The officiant started to speak, and Caleb tried to listen to the words, but was prevented by the feeling pulsing steadily beneath his skin. It only intensified as Serena pledged herself to him, her voice rattling ever so slightly with nerves, and he returned the sentiment with a possessiveness that he knew should not have been beating quite so fiercely in his chest but which refused to calm. It was acceptable for other men to feel that way on their wedding day, but not him. This was not a real wedding, after all. Not a real marriage.
