Tears rolled from her eyes and she was taken aback when Caleb pulled her into his arms. ‘She should have supported you better. She owed you that.’ His voice contained a trace of anger. ‘Regardless of how you behaved, you were a grieving girl. She was the adult. She’ll never hurt you or shame you again. I promise.’
The words were delivered with such conviction that Serena couldn’t do anything but trust them and, held so tight against him, she even felt secure enough to peel herself open more ‘I’m scared that the same thing is going to happen again—with the baby,’ she admitted in a whisper. ‘I try not to think about it, but it’s in my head. There was no reason for why it happened last time… which makes it worse. If there was something I could do or avoid doing…but I just feel like I failed. That I somehow caused it to happen.’
‘I don’t think it works like that,’ he murmured, detangling from her, but continuing to holding her by the arms as he looked down into her face. ‘It just wasn’t meant to be, as hard as that is to accept. Did you like Dr Newman?’
‘Yes.’
‘Good. We’ll make an appointment for you to see her as soon as we return to London, and after that you’ll see her as often as you want to, OK. Whatever it takes for you to feel comfortable and reassured. And if you’re ever worried that something is wrong, tell me. I don’t care if it’s the middle of the day or the middle of the night. We’ll do whatever it takes to keep this pregnancy safe.’
‘Thank you,’ she murmured. It was the exact reassurance she needed, and she didn’t know how he’d known that, but as she looked up at him, she recognised the haunted look in his eyes, the urgency of not wanting to lose anyone and feel that sting of loss again. Had he lost someone too, she wondered. That could explain why he’d never wanted a family, because loss went hand in hand with love. Maybe that was that why he kept such a tight hold on everything as well, trying to prevent a repeat of whatever he had suffered.
Caleb presented such an impenetrable front, but the past few hours had shown that he was vulnerable too.
‘And moving forwards I’ll try to be less domineering. But I really did just want us both to know where we stand going forwards.’
Boundaries were important to him, Serena realised, as much as her freedom was to her. He liked clear and defined lines that didn’t get smudged. It was what had unpinned him in Singapore, that he had strayed from his norm with her, crossed some invisible line, and he needed those lines to be comfortable. But why? What was he so afraid of happening?
‘I get that now.’ She sent her eyes up to his face, feeling thrumming through her as she did. ‘I know it hasn’t seemed so, but I am grateful that you’re here, that you want to be involved and grateful for what you did with Marcia. I have Kit and Alexis back because of you.’
‘It’s admirable—all you sacrificed for them.’
‘I could never leave them. They were only seven years old at the time. They’d already lost both our parents. They couldn’t lose me too. And I promised my mum, when she was pregnant with them that I’d always be there for them. I couldn’t let her down.’
‘You haven’t.’ He was quick to issue that assurance. ‘Your brother and sister are lucky to have you, Serena. And our baby is lucky to have such a strong mother.’ His expression grew serious, and caught between the sunlight and growing shadows, Serena saw a whole new plane of Caleb’s face, saw the whisper of vulnerability that flashed and then slowly faded. ‘I have no idea what kind of father I’ll be, so I’m glad they have you.’
Her heart caught. ‘Are you scared? Of being a father? Is that why you were reluctant to accept that I was pregnant?’
He was slow to answer. ‘I’m scared of making mistakes that I’ve already made before.’
The words were so stark, and his expression, as he emitted them, so bleak that her stomach knotted. ‘What could you have possibly done that was so bad?’
He looked away, out into the encroaching darkness. ‘I hurt someone once. In every way a person can be hurt.’
‘Who?’
‘Her name was Charlotte. We were…involved.’
‘I thought you didn’t have relationships,’ Serena murmured, her heart faltering with a spike of envy.
‘I don’t.’ A warning seemed to shoot from his eyes. ‘I didn’t then either. It was a casual thing, at least to me. But since then, since her, I don’t even do that.’
‘What happened?’
‘I was young and reckless. Impossible.’
‘You’re still impossible now,’ she murmured with a small smile, being granted one in return, but it was only half-hearted.
‘I was worse back then. I lived a charmed life. I was used to getting everything I wanted, and the moment I saw Charlotte, I wanted her, so I did what I always did—pursued her until I got her. She was only in Melbourne for the summer. She had no knowledge of my lifestyle, how I cycled through women, and I never explained it to her. I was just having fun, but she was falling in love with me, talking to her family about us living together and getting married.’ He paused, regret writing itself into every line across his face. ‘When Charlotte realised that I had no notion of a future with her and never had, she was crushed, as she had every right to be. She lost it right there in the club, screaming at me that I’d led her on. Then she stormed out.’ He exhaled and closed his eyes and, seeing how arduous it was for him, Serena reached out, touching her fingertips to his knee, letting him know she was there. ‘I should have followed her. I should have run after her. Every time I replay that night in my head, I do. I chase after her, stop her. I get her home safe. But I was careless and selfish, and I just let her leave. She went to another bar, had too much to drink and then got in her car to drive home. And then she rammed the car into a tree.’
Serena’s breath stuck somewhere in her throat, but she kept her eyes fixed on Caleb.
‘She broke her back and a few other bones. She needed to have surgery on her spine and then months of rehab. The company she’d spent the summer interning for had been so impressed that they’d offered her a permanent position, but she couldn’t take it, not with her injuries. Her future, everything she’d worked so hard for, was set back years. Because of me.’
The words fell like a hammer blow and he looked away, a line of deep-seated shame scoring its way across his cheeks, and Serena marvelled at that burden that he made himself carry.
‘No, not because of you. What happened to her was awful, but it wasn’t your fault, Caleb.’
‘Of course it was,’ he insisted sharply. ‘She was too smart, too level-headed to have done anything like that before getting involved with me. But I hurt her so badly that she forgot herself entirely.’
