‘What would you like me to say?’ he asked plainly.
‘I just wanted you to know.’ Maybe then he could see that she was committed to being better.
‘I never wanted you to give up your job, Katherine. I know what your success means to you. Means for your family. And I’ve been in the racing world a long time, I understand the need for you in it. The media is an important part of the sport, but it was never going to work between us. Don’t give up your dream for me when we’re never going to be together.’
‘I just need you to forgive me,’ Katherine pleaded.
‘And then what? Hmm?’ Lukas crossed his arms. ‘How does it help? Where do we go from there?’
‘Even if you can’t be with me, maybe if you can forgive me we can find a way to at least be friends. I confided in you, Lukas. I trust you. I can’t lose you from my life.’
But all he did was shake his head. Katherine was breaking apart. Willing to settle for the crumbs of the affection he once had for her, but he wouldn’t budge.
‘I said I wanted you on the boat but I didn’t want to think about why I wantedyouso much, Lukas. I want all of you. I love you, but I’ll settle for anything you’re willing to give me.’
He pressed his back to the door, dropping his head back to rest against the glass, his neck exposed. He closed his eyes. Katherine wanted to scream for him to open them. Open them and look at her.
‘Love doesn’t hurt like you hurt me.’ He ran his fingers through his hair as he said softly to himself, ‘Maybe it does. What would I know about it?’
The woman he’d wanted to marry had left him because he was too zealous about protecting their privacy; his mother had left and kept punishing him for choices he hadn’t made. Everyone Lukas loved had hurt him, including her. Katherine hated that fact. She wanted to wrap him in her arms and comfort him. Wanted to hear him say he forgave her and that he needed her. ‘I know I hurt you, but I’m willing to make it up to you every single day, Lukas.’
Then he did look at her, and she thought she might combust. ‘Why should I take you back?’
‘Because you still love me. You loved me on the boat, and you love me now. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be hearing me out. You could have exposed our fake relationship—even though it wasn’t fake to me—and ruined me, but you didn’t. And I know I saw pride in your eyes when you saw me with the other presenters. It was so brief, but it was there.’
He pulled himself up to standing, shaking his head and pressing his thumb and finger to his eyes. Katherine saw his jaw twitch from gritting his teeth. His throat bobbed in a hard swallow and when he finally dropped his hand from his eyes and spoke, his voice was rough. Low and raw. Bleeding all the pain she could see in his stormy gaze.
‘Of course I love you, Katherine. I can’t turn my feelings off. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I felt about you, but I don’t know how to trust you. It’s just best if we have nothing to do with each other. It will be easier for both of us and save us the heartache.’
‘Please, Lukas,’ she cried.
‘You can take a minute to compose yourself. Goodbye, Katherine,’ he said softly. Solemnly.
She thought she had reached the bottom of the well when it came to this pain, but hope had kept her afloat. Now she was drowning. Couldn’t breathe because every breath had shards in it, ripping her on the inside. Lukas, the only man she had ever truly loved, was gone.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Katherine needed tofind a quiet place to breathe. To be alone. Somewhere she could hurt without being seen.
‘Kat?’
She startled at the voice, thinking she had found solitude between the team trucks.
‘Dominic.’ He looked at her with sympathy, which made her feel worse. ‘I’m not the best company right now.’
‘Me neither, but I don’t think the best is what either of us needs.’
It was only then that Katherine realised Dominic must be facing a very different dynamic with Lukas too. Lukas didn’t need a manager anymore, and Dominic had been with him for almost twenty years.
‘How are you holding up?’
‘Could be better.’ He shrugged. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for Lukas. I didn’t want him to end his career at the back of the field. But when your friend and client keeps something that big from you, it makes you question a few things. Like the wisdom of making him pretend to date a journalist.’
‘You were trying to do your best for him.’ Katherine leaned against the grey-and-gold truck. ‘But you’re right, maybe it was a mistake. How is he?’ Dominic was the only means she had to get any news on how Lukas wasreallydoing.
‘Angry,’ Dominic replied.
‘At me?’ It was nearly a whisper.
