Kai: ??
Shit.
Is this what Liam is talking about? It’s only been a couple of days since we talked about this. It should still be fresh in my mind, and it isn’t. Is this the stuff Liam wants me to go to him about? Would he truly understand? This is why it’s so second nature to go to Kai about this. He understands more than Liam would, since he’s Amari’s father.
Before I know it, I’m deleting the messages. More guilt surfaces. What the hell am I doing with my life? It's like I'm back in my teenage years, second-guessing if I should stay with Kai or not. But this time, I’m second-guessing Liam and Kai.Relationships shouldn’t be this hard, so why am I making things hard on myself?
Blakely
August 20th, 2019
“All done,” I say as I tie the elastic band on the bottom of Amari’s braid. “Go get your shoes on while I get your backpack.” It’s the first day back to school for Amari, and usually Kai and I take her to school on her first day. It’s something we’ve done since that time I broke down when it was her first dayevergoing to school. After the spiral guilt trip I gave myself yesterday, I texted Kai to just meet us at the school. My chest still feels constricted since I sent that text. It felt so wrong. I don’t see the harm in both of her parents taking her to school. But I figured I should at least take Liam’s feelings into consideration, since he’s going to be my husband soon.
I inhale the Warm Vanilla Sugar Bath & Body Works car freshener as I slide into my black Nissan Altima. It’s a big step up from the Dodge Neon I used to have. That thing broke down allthe time. Kai kept wanting to buy me a new car, but I wouldn’t let him. Until finally I had no choice, because the Neon was costing me so much money due to it breaking down all the time. The bank wouldn’t let me get a car loan without a co-signer, so I had Kai co-sign for me. “Buckle up,” I say.
Now that I think of it, Liam doesn't know that Kai’s the co-signer for my car. He’s for sure not going to like that, but this happened way before him. I guess I won’t tell him.
“Mom, can you play ‘Southside?’”
“Yeah,” I say. I turn on “Southside” by Lloyd and Ashanti. I still listen to a lot of songs I listened to when I was a teenager, and Amari likes them now, too. Listening to her sing along with the songs I used to sing when I was a teenager makes me happy.
As I pull up to the school, the parking lot is full of kids of all ages. Some are walking hand-in-hand with their parents. Others are rushing ahead, eager to be with friends after the long summer. The sound of laughter mixes with the high-pitched chatter that circles the air. I catch glimpses of tear-streaked faces with kids clinging to their parents, feeling the first day nerves.
I spot Kai at the front doors as we walk up to the school. He’s dressed in a black tee, jeans, and his black Vans. His clothing hasn’t changed much since we were teenagers. He’s always in some sort of plain tee, jeans, and his beloved Vans. Good thing he didn’t wear his work clothes. Amari thinks his work clothes are so ugly. She says his neon T-shirt is too bright, and his work boots look like farm shoes.
“Hey,” Kai says and reaches for Amari's hand.
“Hi, Dad.”
Then, he gives me a questioning look. I’m sure he wants to know why we didn’t drive together to Amari’s first day back.
“Hi,” I say, with a tight smile. I wouldn’t have an explanation for him if he asked. I should talk to him about what Liam said, but I know it will break his heart. It’s breaking my heart knowingit will break his, and knowing that this is something I have to do if I want to be with Liam.
Once we get in front of Amari's classroom, Kai bends down and pulls her into a hug. “Be careful. I love you.” He kisses her cheek before standing back up.
I pull her into a hug. “Have a good day. I’ll be here to pick you up. Love you.”
“Okay. Bye!” she says with a little wave and walks into class. The minute she sees Emma, she runs over to sit by her.
“No tears this time?” Kai says as we walk out of the school, his voice light-hearted.
I chuckle softly, shaking my head. “That was last night.”
“Why last night?” he asks with a concerned tone.
“Because she chose her friend over me.”
He stops walking. “I asked you if you needed me to do anything, but you never responded.” He glances at me.
“There wasn’t much that you could do. I should get used to it. Amari is growing, and she would rather play with her friends.” I take a few steps forward. I need to start walking again so I can leave and avoid the question I know he’s going to ask.
He takes a few steps forward and follows behind me. “Has everything been okay? Things have seemed off since the family vacation.”
I keep walking, my eyes fixed on the path ahead. “Yes. Everything is fine.”
He doesn’t buy it. I can feel his eyes burning into the back of my head, searching for answers I’m not ready to give. I quicken my pace, hoping that distance will ease the tension. But he softly grabs my hand.
“Now I know everything isn’t fine, because you would usually ask what I think feels off,” he says.
