I give a small nod, watching him quietly as he stares up at the ceiling. This is more than I have ever got out of him before. I can’t help but feel a pang in my heart for him, knowing how much he’s struggling. I wonder if it’s the death of his dad or the thought of being a dad himself that’s bothering him.
Could it be both?
It’s hard to not feel like I’ve lost family too. It’s been a year since I’ve spoken to or seen my mom and sister. I know I can’t compare the lack of contact with my family to the death of his dad. But it’s still a loss that makes my heart ache. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I didn’t have Amari. She keeps my mind so busy, I don’t have time to dwell on anything. It makes me happy knowing I at least have my own little family.
Christmas 2010
It’s Christmas Eve, and I bought us matching pajamas to wear tonight. I already dressed both myself and Amari. The pants are white and have colorful Christmas lights on them. Our tops are red, and they have presents and reindeer on the front. It’s super cheesy. Even I couldn’t believe I was doing this when I picked them out in the store. I want to start our own traditions as a family. I didn’t know what to start with, and I know this one is common, so it seemed like a good idea.
This time last year, my mom kicked me out, and I was pretty much homeless. This year, I have my own little family, and we’re celebrating Christmas together. I can’t wait to watch Amari open up her gifts. Although, I guess we’ll be the ones who open them for her. Still, I’m excited.
The front door shuts, letting me know Kai is home. I grab Amari and go into the living room to show Kai our pajamas.
His brows raise when he sees both of us. “You bought matching pajamas for the both of you?”
“Yup. And you have a pair on the bed waiting for you,” I say with a cheesy grin, waiting for his reaction.
“Ugh, okay,” he says quietly. “I’m going to go shower.” He walks right past us.
My face falls. I guess he’s not as into it as I thought he would be.
While I wait for Kai to get out of the shower so we can eat dinner together, I put onHow the Grinch Stole Christmasfor Amari. Amari seems to enjoy the vibrant colors the movie has. Her eyes are wide open while watching the movie.
“You aren’t into wearing the pajamas?” I ask when Kai comes out fully-clothed. I guess it was a littletoocheesy for him.
He sits down on the couch next to us, not answering my question. His face is emotionless as he stares blankly at the movie. I can tell something is on his mind from how distant he’s being. Did something happen at work?
I glance at him one more time. And then I see what’s going on.
My chest constricts with the heaviness of the feeling of being let down again. He’s fully-clothed. He’s not in the sweats that he usually wears after the shower. Not this again. My eyes burn in the back of my eyes. I sit and wait for the uninviting words that I haven’t heard in months and I thought I would never hear again.
The sound of a ping comes through, making a shiver run down my whole body. He slides his phone out of his pocket and looks over at me. “I’ll be back.”
“Where are you going?”
“Out with a few friends. I won’t be long.”
“You’re going to do this on Christmas Eve?”
He looks down at his phone and starts texting. “I’m not doing anything.”
“Kai, it’s Christmas Eve, and you prefer to be with friends rather than family?”
He gets up from the couch. “I’ll be with you guys all daytomorrow. Stop making a big deal out of it. I haven’t gone out in months.”
“What are you talking about? I’m the one who hasn’t gone out in months. I sit here day in and day out, taking care of our daughter.”
“Yeah, and I work all day.”
That’s beside the point. “Kai, don’t do this.”
Anotherpingcomes from his phone. He looks at it and steps closer to the front door.
“Kai,” I say with a broken voice.
“I’ll be back early. I promise.” He turns his back toward us and shuts the door.
I sit there, stunned by the betrayal. A deep sense of disappointment and hurt washes over me. I can’t believe we are here again. His actions cut deeper every time. He builds me up and cuts me right back down.
