Every.
Single.
Time.
When am I going to learn? When is enough enough? He chose Christmas Eve out of all the days. The only thing I can hold him to now is that he’ll be home early.
I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting back the tears as I hold Amari a little tighter; I find a little comfort with her. Moments like these make me realize it’s just me and her. With my mom and sister out of the picture and Kai gone, she is the only constant in my life.
“What?”Kai says in a stern voice as I shake him to wake up.
He did not hold up his word that he would be home early. At four in the morning, he came stumbling in, reeking of alcohol. Once again, my nerves kept me tossing and turning all night. My mind raced with anxious thoughts and kept me from sleeping.
“Are you going to get up so you can watch Amari open presents?”
“Let’s do it later. It’s not like they’re going to go anywhere.”
“No!” I raise my voice. “I’m not going to watch you sleep the day while we wait around for you. Do not ruin Christmas for us. Get up.” I shake him harder. After I put Amari to sleep and Kai still wasn’t home, I started working on stuffing his stocking and putting Amari's gifts out. She’s not going to remember any of this, but it’s important to me. It should be important to him too.
“Get up.” I shake him vigorously.
He throws the covers off. “Okay. Fuck.”
Stunned by his actions, I get up from the bed and go into the living room. I plug in our Christmas tree we bought at Wal-Mart. The tree is four-feet tall, skinny, and bare. The tree isn’t an actual tree to put presents under. It’s a decorative tree you place somewhere in your house. It’s all we could fit into this tiny apartment. I take a few steps back, staring at the red, green, yellow, and blue lights that shine bright. I remember last year when I went out back and found a small bush I used as a tree. This may not be an actual Christmas tree, but it is a step up from the bush I found last year.
“Look what Santa got for you.” I carry Amari closer to the tree and set her in the pink walker Santa brought for her. If only we had more space, she could move around more in this. I remember Bryn always using one, and how fast she would go through the entire house. It always made me laugh. I couldn’t wait to get Amari one, even though we hardly have any space.
Amari starts curiously looking at all the toys attached to the walker. I hear a door close in the distance, thinking Kai shut the bedroom door so he could sleep. But he walks in yawning and sits on the couch. His eyes light up the second he sees Amari in her walker. I'm confused about how he’s acting; he was pissed off a minute ago. I guess he’s trying to be in a better mood for Christmas. Let’s hope.
“Here is your gift from me,” I say to Kai. Like last year, we didn’t have too much money to spend, and I wanted to put more towards Amari’s gifts.
He unwraps the gift, opens up the box it’s in, and sniffs the scent. I bought him the Cool Water cologne. “It smells good.” He sniffs it again. “Really good. Thank you.” He gets up and hands me the present he got for me.
I open up a gift set with Victoria’s Secret Amber Romance body spray, lotion, and body wash. I inhale the sweet vanilla scent as I spritz myself with it. “Thank you.” He must’ve remembered that I’ve been wanting this one for a while. I always used my mom's. The smell reminds me of her, bringing a sting to my heart, knowing this is another Christmas not spent with her.
January 2011
The biting cold of January cuts through all my layers of clothing. A frosty chill is in the air, and I can see my breath. The frozen ground crunches beneath my feet as I walk over to Kevin’s.
It’s so embarrassing that I have to do this. I shouldn’t have to do this. This shouldn’t be happening, and I don’t know why I keep putting myself through this.
The silence of the night makes me question if anyone is home. I expected there to be music blasting with people outside partying. One light shines through the apartment, making me wonder what’s going on even more.
I lightly knock on Kevin’s door. Is anyone even home? It’s Saturday night. Usually, he’s out partying.
Kevin’s eyes go wide when he sees me standing there alone. “Is everything okay? Where’s Amari?”
“She’s fine. She’s with Paige,” I say between my teeth, chattering with the cold.
“You left her with Paige?”
“I left her with you before. Why are you questioning her?”
He shakes his head. “Come in.”
The warm heat helps me relax my shoulders.
“So, what’s up?” He sits on the couch, grabs his beer, and takes a sip.
