Before he can say anything else, I cut him off. “You’re always sorry. Sorry isn’t enough anymore.”
He reaches over and grabs my hand. “Are you thinking of leaving me?”
The thought of leaving him makes my heart play tug-of-war. I love him and our family so much that I want to stay. But the way our relationship and family dynamic has taken a drastic turn makes me want to leave. I want a sense of relief. I don’t want to stay in this situation. Then I think how much I’ll miss him, missus,and miss our family. Plus, where am I going to go? My mom doesn’t want me. I don’t have a job to support myself and Amari. Some days, I feel trapped, like there is nowhere to go. Then we have our moments that make me want to stay. It’s this tug-of-war cycle that feels like it will never end.
“I don’t know,” I mutter.
“I’ll be better. Okay? Watch.”
“You’ve said that before. And you’ve done it before and then you’re back to this again.” I wave my hands around.
“Then you’re just going to have to see.”
I grab Amari out of Kai’s arms. “I’m going to get us ready for bed. We had a long day, and some of us didn’t sleep well last night,” I say, trying to stifle a yawn.
Halloween 2010
“You’re the cutest ladybug in the whole world,” I say, holding Amari up in a standing position to check out her ladybug outfit. Her costume isn’t anything special, but she makes it look cute. I found a ladybug dress and paired it with black stockings and black dress shoes with a bow on top of them.
“Where are you going?” Kai leans against the bedroom door frame.
“To the mall,” I say in a low voice. Halloween falls on a Sunday this year. Kai, Amari, and I didn’t do anything as a family for Halloween. There is still so much tension between Kai and me, so I didn’t even bother asking him if we were going to do anything. This is Amari’s first Halloween. Even though she’s not old enough to remember or go trick-or-treating, it would have been nice to at least do something with her as a family.
“With who?”
“Paige.” I asked Paige if she would go to the mall with me and Amari today. The stores always do trick-or-treating for the kids. Amari won’t remember any of this, but at least she’ll have pictures to look back on when she gets older.
“Why don’t we go as a family?” He sits right next to us on the bed. I get up and walk over to the living room.
“Because you apparently don’t like to be around your family,” I say.
Kai comes up next to me while I secure Amari in her car seat. “I never said that.”
“No, but your actions show it.”
“Come on, B. Let’s go as a family. This is her first Halloween.”
I squint my eyes, trying to hold back the tears. The tug in my heart wants to let him back in. But that’s what I always do. I let him back in, only for him to crush me again. I need to put my foot down so he knows I’m serious about how things are going, and I’m not going to put up with it.
I tuck Amari's blanket in with her to keep her warm from the cold. “There were a lot of firsts that you’ve missed. What is one more?” I walk out the door with Amari’s car seat on my arm. The sun is setting, and the weather is getting colder each day.
Kai grabs my arm as I shut the car door after putting Amari inside. “Come on. Let’s go as a family.”
I pull my arm out of his grasp and get into the driver's seat. Before I can shut the door, Kai gets in between me and the door. “You’re going to let me miss our daughter’s first Halloween?"
I get out of the car and shut the door. I’ve always tried to avoid arguing in front of Amari. She may not remember any of our arguments being this young. But I read that trauma sits in the subconscious mind and can affect someone’s behavior when they get older, with no recall of why their behavior is the way it is.
“Do not blame me. You put yourself in this position. I have fought for months for you to be present. You only want to bepresent on your own terms. I’m sick of being let down by you. So yes, I am going without you.”
His eyes widen in disbelief, and his mouth falls slightly open. He turns his back toward me and walks away.
Children wearingall sorts of costumes scramble around the mall with laughter and excitement as they go from store to store saying, “Trick-or-treat!”
“Hi, my baby. I missed you,” Paige says as she takes Amari out of her stroller and into her arms, kissing all around her face. Amari’s eyes spring open from all the kisses.
Paige is dressed in a red-and-black corset dress with black boots going up to her thighs. She’s wearing devil horns attached to a headband. It circles her head but is not too far down to her scalp; I’m sure she doesn’t want her poof to go flat.
“I’m thinking she’s your new best friend now.” I chuckle. “I rarely get a hi anymore.”
