Shoving his shoulder, I say, “No. Are you crazy?”
He chuckles louder. “I’m kidding.”
A painful knot twists in my stomach; I’m so close to my mom’s house right now.
What did she end up telling Brynlee?
Does Brynlee miss me?
Does my mom miss me?
Do they know I have Amari now?
Do they wonder what she looks like or how my labor went?
Do they know her name?
So many questions flood my mind. I put the questions aside so I don’t ruin this perfect night with Kai.
Our perfect night.
October 2010
“Why did you do this again?” I scream softly. If this soft, screaming-whisper can even be called a scream. I’m trying not to wake Amari up. I’ve been awake all night waiting for Kai to get home.
“Do what again?” Kai asks in a harsh tone.
“Go out, party, and get drunk.”
It’s four in the morning. Kai came home from work and said he was going over to Kevin’s real quick.Real quickturned into hours. A whirlwind of emotions kept me up all night. My heart is torn between anger and sadness.
“I trusted you, Kai. You told me you were going to stop this.”
“What’s so bad about going out?”
“Are you kidding me? I’m left here all day with Amari. The least you can do is come home, stay home, and help me.” Right now, I’m wasting my time talking to him. I smell the alcohol on his breath. I see the drunkenness in his eyes.
“You act like I don’t do anything. I work all day, all week. I need a break, too.” He lies down next to me, fully-clothed.
He has quite the nerve lying down next to me right now.
He was helping me more after our anniversary. Being moreinvolved. One night, he took Amari for the entire night so I could have a night for myself. I drew myself a bath, played R&B music, and laid in the tub until my hands and feet were pruney.
Then, as the days went by, the help started dwindling down. I thought he must be tired. So I said nothing and picked up the slack—as usual. But with the little help I was getting, it gave me so much hope, only for him to crush me all over again in a matter of six hours.
I curl my leg up to my chest, rocking back and forth slowly. I look at Amari and Kai. Kai is nodding off to sleep. I don’t want to be around him right now. His presence is causing my blood to boil.
I get up and drag one of the blankets off the bed to the living room. It’s the only other place I can go, and it’s not that far from the room. At least I’ll still be able to hear Amari if she cries. I should let her cry until Kai does something about it. But I doubt he’ll hear her. As her mother, I can’t sit around and listen to her cry. Once I’m on our couch, my tears pour out.
It’s noweight in the morning. My eyes hurt from the light shining through the windows, but I’m getting Amari out of the crib. She wasn’t full-blown crying, but I could hear her fussing a little.
“Hi, baby girl.” She squirms in my arms with a bright smile on her face, making her small, round cheekbones rise.
I don’t want to be here all day and watch Kai sleep his hangover off. That’s the other thing about him going out. The next day, he sleeps all day long. Then, when he wakes up, there is so much tension in the apartment that it makesme feel uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that I don’t feel like I should be here. He’s never said anything about it, so I don’t know why I feel this way. When all this tension is going on, it makes me feel like I don’t belong under the roof he’s paying for.
I place Amari back in her crib real quick and grab us both an outfit. This emotional tension is too much for me to handle right now.
As I enter IHOP with Amari’s car seat dangling from my arm, many people stare at me. Which I’ve become accustomed to. People probably wonder when our mother is going to show up.Surprise!I am the mother.
