“You’re doing good, beautiful,” Kai says while squeezing my hand and rubbing his other down my cheek, probably trying to get rid of the sweat rolling down my warm cheeks.
I grit my teeth with each contraction. The room buzzes around me while the doctor and nurses do their jobs.
“One more push,” my doctor says.
I push with everything I have left—which honestly isn’t much.
Then, in a moment that felt like it would never end, my daughter’s high-pitched cries fill the room.
The doctor positions my daughter on my stomach while the nurses clean her off. She’s in my arms. She isfinallyin my arms. My daughter. A tiny, fragile little baby. Time seems to stand still as I gaze at the tiny baby on my stomach. Overwhelmedwith love, my tears pour out. I run my finger down her tiny cheek, taking in every detail. It wasn’t until just now, when I saw her, that I realized how much love I’m capable of. I never knew that such a tiny, precious soul would change so much for me in such a short time.
“I love you,” Kai whispers into my ear.
“I love you, too,” I say, choking back tears.
“I can’t believe she’s here. She’s so beautiful. Just like her mother.”
“She is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.”
I can’t help but think of my mom. She was always the one that comforted me growing up. Memories of us playing and laughing come flooding back to me, and a pang of sadness constricts my chest.
I wish she were here.
I wish I was sharing this moment with her.
And Brynlee would be so thrilled to have a baby in the family. She always asked my mom for a baby sister. Someone she was closer in age to play with. She would play house with her dolls and act as if she were their sister. Since we’re ten years apart, it was hard for us to have the same interests.
I look between my daughter and Kai. I want us to be the ones she runs to when she needs something. It gives me hope that we’ll be able to grow up together and learn from each other’s mistakes.
Kai looks at her with pure love in his eyes. There is so much love surrounding her, and I couldn’t ask for a better little family. I look down at my daughter. She gives me hope that everything will be okay. Everything will work out.
Amari Rose Madden
“Forever,” I whisper.
“And ever,” Kai says.
August 2010
“Why won’t she stop crying?”
“I don’t know, Kai.” I’ve fed her, burped her, and changed her. She won’t stop crying. It’s three in the morning. I’ve been rocking her in my arms for the past hour, and nothing is calming her down.
“I have to work in the morning. I can’t be up all night,” Kai says.
The minute we got home from the hospital, our lives changed. This was what I was nervous about. I’ve heard stories of how hard it is to take care of a newborn. How sleep-deprived the parents are. Both of us are on pins and needles, and it’s hard not to lash out at one another.
“I know you do. I’ve tried everything.” A couple of nights at the hospital made this new transition seem like it would be easier than expected—but then we came home. It was easier at the hospital because we had help. Around-the-clock help. We have no help at home. I’ve only seen Paige twice, and Kevin stops in and sayshievery once in a while. And it’s not like they’re going to help us at night when we need it the most.
I have no one to ask questions to. Like right now. I’ve doneeverything. Everything I know, at least. Still, she’s so upset and I don’t know how to help my own baby.
Kai groans and wraps his pillow around his head. As I narrow my eyes at him, I can’t help but feel pissed that he gets more sleep than I do. I know I shouldn’t be mad because he wakes up early to go to work and provides for us. I just want one solid night’s sleep. Just one. Amari wakes up every two hours at night. By the time I get her back down and myself back to sleep, she’s up again. Kai helps when he gets home from work, but he doesn’t do much during the night since he has to work. He only took a week off of work, and during that time, he helped a lot more. We couldn’t afford for him to take any more time off. The expenses that come with a baby are higher than we expected. We were doing okay with just the two of us, but now it feels like we have a whole other household to care for when there’s only one baby.
Both of us are hanging on by the thread, and it’s only been two weeks.
“Oh, wow. You look very tired.”Paige walks in with two smoothies in her hands.
“Thanks.” I close the door behind her. I take one of the smoothies out of her hand and guzzle it down as fast as I can, stopping before a brain freeze comes.
