Kai told his mom about the baby, but with her mental health, she didn’t show too much emotion about it. At least his mom didn’t stop talking to him. But then again, she hasn’t been there for her kids this past year.
“Do you guys have a name yet?”
“We have a few. We wanted to wait until she was here to see which one would fit her.”
“She.” She looks at Kai.
“Yeah. I tried to call you and tell you when we found out. You didn’t answer. You must have been busy.”
“Oh, yeah. Probably.” She puts her sunglasses back on. “It was nice meeting you, Blakely. You two will have to let me know when the baby gets here.”
“It was nice meeting you, too,” I say with a smile.
She walks right past us.
“Sorry. She’s having a hard time,” Kai says.
“It’s okay. I understand,” I tell him, although I’m not totally sure I can.
We get home,totally exhausted, a couple of hours later. After the funeral, there was a luncheon that was hosted by a local church.
“You’ve been quiet this past week. How are you holding up?” I ask Kai. We’re both in our tiny room, changing out of our funeral clothes. I had to buy a black maxi dress because, of course, nothing fit me, and I wasn’t going to wear yoga pants. I slip on one of Kai’s T-shirts. They’re the only thing that cover my belly. I put on some stretchy shorts, too, and I’m finally comfortable.
“I don’t know,” he says as he lies down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
“I want to be there for you, but you haven’t talked to me about anything, so I’m not sure what to do.” I sit down on the end of the bed. Because this room is so small, this is the only spot that I’m able to sit on. Kai’s side of the bed is right up against the wall, and the crib sits right up against my side of the bed by the bedroom door. There is no space between the wall and the crib. It sucks how much effort it takes to get into bed. I have to crawl into bed every night.
“What do you want me to say, Blakely? My dad is dead. He drank himself to death. Part of me thinks it’s my fault.”
The autopsy report came back as alcohol poisoning. His dad didn’t show up to work for a few days, and his manager couldn’t get in touch with Emily, so he called dispatch for a welfare check. The cops found him lying in his recliner with the TV on.
They said, according to the decomposition, he had been dead for at least a couple of days by the time he was found.
“It’s not your fault, Kai.” This is the first time I’ve heard him say he thinks it’s his fault. I never thought he was blaming himself. I can see why he is. It’s a normal response for someone to blame themselves.
“It feels like it.”
“Why?”
“Because the last thing my mom said to him before we walked out the door was, ‘Kai can’t keep seeing you like this.’ If we had stayed, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”
It’s hard to know. I’ve never been in this type of situation. I wish I could say I know what he is going through, but my mom kicked my drunk dad out when I was little. The memories are hazy because I was too little to remember much. I have some flashbacks of good times and bad. Now that I’m older, I can see my mom hid a lot from me. More than I realized back then.
“Please don’t blame yourself. He was fighting his own demons that no one else could fight for him.”
“I wish it was that simple.”
I lie down next to him, wrapping my arm around his waist. He stays still and doesn’t move. His stomach rises and falls with each breath he takes. I feel like we’re so far away from each other, yet he’s right here.
He came home drunk after spending the day with Kevin a few times. They’d been planning the funeral. I could smell thelingering alcohol when he came into bed, but I didn’t question him about it. All I could think was,why is he drinking?That’s what killed his dad. Then again, I don’t have the right to question that. My dad is an alcoholic, too, and I started drinking and never thought twice about it. I would still drink if it weren’t for my daughter growing inside of me.
July 15th, 2010
The intensity of each contraction surges through my body. I cling to the hospital bed with one hand, and with the other, I squeeze Kai’s hand in my own.
“Why the fuck did we do this?” I scream between breaths I can barely catch.
My knuckles are white. Beads of sweat form on my forehead, and Kai wipes them away with his free hand.
