An unbearable weight settles heavily on my chest from his words.
He holds Amari in his arms as he quietly talks to her.
My entire world feels like it’s crashing down. The person I was holding onto the most is the one who is hurting me the most. How is that fair to me? Yesterday had nothing to do with beinga couple.All I wanted was to tell him my news and for him to see Amari.
To be with his daughter on Valentine’s Day.
Not only is he taking stuff out on me, but it’s being taken out on Amari, whether he realizes it or not.
“Do you not want to be with me anymore?”
Kai doesn’t look at me, but he stops moving at the question I asked him. Silence still fills the air. The beat of my heart thumps harder as I wait for his answer. It feels as if an eternity has passed by.
“Kai,” I whisper.
He looks at me with dread in his eyes. “I don’t know.”
My pulse stops. “What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“I need time to think,” he says and sits down on the floor in front of me, with Amari sitting on his lap.
“Are you serious right now?”
“It’s not like you haven’t thought about it yourself.”
“I have, but it’s only because I feel like a single parent already.”
“I’m not sure why you feel that way. I’ve been here.”
My brows furrowed at his words. I’m struggling to make sense of what he thinks has been going on with us lately. Have I been the only one living with all these twists and turns that have been happening over the past seven months?
Without another word, I get up from the couch and head for the bedroom. I have no more words left to say. I can’t convince him to feel what I’ve been feeling, just like he can’tconvince me how he’s been feeling. Especially since he won’t even admit he’s going through a hard time himself.
The squeak of the door opens a couple of hours later. Kai walks in and places Amari in her bed. After sitting in our room for a couple of hours, I realized that Kai doesn’t want this relationship. He’s been showing up for Amari for the past couple of months. Even with everything that has been going on between us, he shows up for her. But he can never show up for me. For us.
“I’ll come over tomorrow when I get off work.”
I nod, and he walks out.
Is it me he doesn’t want anymore?
Do I need to realize that we’re not meant for each other?
My mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to think or do. If he needs time to think about us, where does that leave me? He’s paying the rent for our apartment, which he’s not even staying at anymore. There is going to come a time when he isn’t going to want to pay for it anymore. He has to know there is no way in hell Amari is going to stay with him full-time. Wherever I go, she goes.
I get up from the bed and start packing mine and Amari's stuff. My hands tremble as I throw our clothes into duffle bags. I’m done being in the turmoil of his emotions. I can't be caught off guard by something else. The weight of his anger toward me from one little mistake I made can’t dictate our relationship. But he’s allowing that mistake to dictate it now. It’s not fair. My chest stings harder and my tears flow faster with every piece of clothing I fold and place in the duffle bag. The ache of what I’m leaving behind is more so mourning the loss of us. Little by little, it’s been tearing me apart. I finally have the strength to walk out and leave behind what I thought was going to beforever and ever.
The night is dark, with streetlights casting a yellow glowtoward the parking lot. Each trip I take out to fill the car up with our stuff, I lock the door behind me, leaving Amari in her crib sleeping. If where I’m going isn’t going to work out, I’ll have to find something else. That can wait until tomorrow. I at least have to try tonight while Kai isn’t here and most likely sleeping for his workday tomorrow.
I slowly place Amari in her car seat, careful that I don’t wake her. My beautiful girl is getting bigger by the minute. It’s hard to walk her out of the house carefully with her car seat hanging off my arm because of how big she is getting. I set Amari's Valentine’s card we made for Kai on the couch so he can see it when he walks in. I walk past the painted picture of all three of our hands together that we hung on the wall.
Before I lock the door, I look into the small living room that was once my sanctuary.
I hope I’m making the right decision.
I still remember the day Kai first showed me our apartment, like it was yesterday.
I heara sound of metal clinking together and then a click. The anticipation of what Kai is doing is killing me. Kai’s hands gently guide me forward. With a feeling of curiosity coursing through me. As he carefully unwraps my blindfold, my eyes flutter open. I gaze around, taking in the sight of a small square of a white-walled living room with a brick fireplace that’s been painted in white.
