Valentine’s Day 2011
With hands trembling, I cautiously open the envelope that holds my diploma. My heart is pounding with anticipation to finally see and hold what I have worked so hard for. Something I know will help me and Amari have a better life. It’s the beginning of the next step for me. Something I never cared for before I had her. There it is. An off-white piece of paper that readsHigh School Diploma Blakely Leigh.
I can’t believe I did it. And I did it three months before May, which is what my high school graduation month would have been. I turned in my last packet at the beginning of February. I didn’t say anything to anyone because I wanted to wait until I had the diploma in my hand. That’s one reason I wanted to hang out with Paige a few weeks ago. I was celebrating for myself. The night didn’t go as I expected. Regardless, I was having fun and didn’t want it to end.
A heavy sense of dread settles over me, knowing that out of the three people I want to tell, I’m not sure how two of them will react, if they’ll even care, or if I’ll even tell them. Paige will be excited for me. My mom and Kai, I don’t know how they will react. After last weekend, I don’t think my mom will want to hear from me, even if it’s something positive.
Today is also Valentine’s Day. I don’t have much hope for Kai doing anything for us today. I am expecting him to come over and see Amari, and I figured I’d tell him then that I got my diploma.
I also helped Amari make something for him for Valentine’s Day. Using the same paint we used to turn our handprints into flowers, we made a Valentine’s Day card for Kai. I folded a piece of paper into the size of a card. I used red paint to write “Happy Valentine’s Day” with hearts all around in front of the card. Inside the card, I used Amari’s footprints to create a heart shape with her heels together and toes slightly out.
In writing, I put,“Daddy, you will always be my first Valentine. Love, Amari Rose Madden.”
On the left-hand side of the card, I gave Amari a paintbrush and set out all the different colors for her to choose from so she could paint that side. It mostly looks like scribbles. It was also somewhat hard to get her to stay on that one side of the paper so she wouldn’t touch the other side with her footprints. I hope Kai likes it.
As six o’clock rolls around, a sense of excitement bubbles up inside me. This is around the time Kai usually comes over. Amari is dressed in a white long-sleeved shirt that says,My First Valentine’s Day, in red.It came with a red tutu and white tights. I didn’t want to dress up too much and give Kai the impression that I was expecting us to do something today. I put on a pair of skinny jeans and a pink long-sleeve top. Skinny jeans came out a couple of years ago, but it’s taken me some time to get used to them. It’s weird looking down and seeing my whole shoe or foot show. I’m used to bell bottoms that cover a bit of your foot.
With my pulse thumping against my body, and my nerves riled up in excitement, I sit Amari down next to me on the couch and place the card next to her. This way, when Kai walksin, he will see her with the card she made. I glance at my phone every so often, looking at the time. With each passing minute, my pulse quickens more.
Six forty-five, my phone reads now. He should be here any minute. Between six and seven is usually when he gets here.
“Are you ready to see Daddy?” I ask Amari.
She’s been sitting calmly, chewing on her hands, or trying to grab the card and put it in her mouth.
The countless minutes have passed now to seven-thirty. The pit of my stomach sinks in disappointment. I’m trying to keep a positive attitude, hoping he had to stay late for work. I can’t help but think he’s not stopping by because of what today is. Does he think I’m expecting something? Expecting to be taken out? The joy of today is holding on by a thread. I reach for the remote control and turn on my favorite movie,The Proposal. Hopefully, this helps me not stare at my phone and watch every minute pass by.
The thread that I have been holding onto has broken into two, as it is now eight thirty. Disappointment hangs heavy. The sting of realizing he didn’t come over today because of what today is. It’s hitting harder than I thought. Today is not one of the days I wanted to cry, but here I am wiping away the tears that have fallen. Amari has now fallen asleep in her Valentine’s Day outfit, which Kai isn’t ever going to see. His card sits on the armrest of the couch.
Today was supposed to be a good day. A day I finally get to share my accomplishment with someone. He was the first one I wanted to share it with and now he will probably be the last one I share it with.
I was excited for him to see Amari and have her give him his card. My chest shakes more as my tears fall harder. My heart breaks into pieces. It shattered more than I thought it would. I know we weren’t doing well, but I at least thought hewould come over. Even if he came over as if it were a normal day. My whole body aches with sadness and hurt.
I scoop Amari up from the couch and bring her to my bed. Being in this room reminds me of him. Everything reminds me of him because it’s what he bought for us. He continues to pay for this apartment, even though he’s not living here. He still gives me money to buy food and the necessities. Everything is from him.
I carefully undress Amari, making sure I don’t wake her up and put her in her pajamas. I curl up in bed with her next to my chest. I don’t want to be alone tonight. With Amari, I’m never alone. But today hits harder than most and I want her right next to me. The heaviness of today settles all around me. The tears have now soaked my pillowcase. Exhaustion finally takes over me, and with the sadness of tonight, I drift off to sleep with Amari by my side.
“What happened to you yesterday?” I ask Kai as he walks in like nothing. Like he didn’t miss a holiday with his daughter. Or me. It’s nothing to him, but to me, it was everything. I was filled with excitement all day, only for it to be crushed in the end. Like I always feel when it comes to him.
To us.
“I was busy,” he says scooping Amari into his hands and raising her up. “Hi, little one.” Amari's cheeks rise as her grin widens.
“Busy doing what?”
“Why does it matter what I was doing?”
The realization hits me. Did he take a girl out? It was Valentine’s Day. Is that why he didn’t come over? “Did you take someone out?”
He looks at me with furry brows. “Don’t act stupid.”
I let out a shocked sigh at his response. “How is that stupid? It was Valentine’s Day, and you didn’t come over. What else should I think?”
“Valentine’s Day is for couples.”
My mouth drops open. “What does that mean? We’re not a couple?”
The silence in the air is thick and heavy.
