“On stage and off?” Theo asks and I nod, a million memories assaulting me.Don’t get sucked into the nostalgia, I have kept telling myself over the years. Talking to a ghost of Cas every Friday night seemed much preferable to being trapped in memories long gone about a life I would never have again.
The memory reel plays as I remember the flirting and lingering looks and touches when we were writing, not that different from Cas when he first came to stay with me a few weeks ago. The frame flips, back to that first show years ago, and Cas pushing me against the cool brick outside the bar where we played and slanting his mouth over mine.
I divide time in measures of Cas. Before that first kiss and after. Before we were roommates and after. Before we split and after.
Life is either Cas, or his absence, and there is no in between.
From the looks I get, I suppose something must show on my face.
“Long story short, we were band mates, roommates, boyfriends,” I gesture vaguely with my hand, “all of that. Then, Cas went to LA.”
Theo narrows his eyes at me. “Let’s talk about that, the Cas went to LA bit.”
“How did you leave it?” Bishop asks.
I sigh, letting all the memories I have kept firmly locked away out of their box. There is no safer place for it than here.
“We were playing bigger and bigger gigs. We had people who would slip us cards to be our agents — represent us. I, of course, just called our moms and Jack about all that part.” I shrug, remembering what it felt like in those few months we were on top of the world. It was like having the Midas touch — gold, all the way down.
“Cas and I started talking when the offers got real. I had sold a handful of songs already, stuff I had written, and a few co-writes with him that just weren’t for us and the college bar circuit we played. Anyway, it didn’t take long to find out that he wanted to go for it, but I wanted to come home to Bear Valley. It sort of naturally unfolded — he would pursue the record deal, which was better anyway because it’s been years since a duo has hit it big. Individual performers or bands do better. I would write, mostly for him, with some options if he passed or if the song was out of genre.”
“And that’s it?” Perrin smiles when my words drift off.
“But, how did you leave it?” Bish asks again. “You and Cas, I mean.”
“There was no scene. No big fight. We just. . .talked it out one night.”
I swallow hard. Those memories can stay locked up. My own personalSchitt’s Creek, season 6, episode 8.
“We realized we wanted different things, and we respected the other enough for it not to get personal.”
“And you have stayed friends?” Bishop asks.
I shift in my seat, taking a sip of coffee.
“That was the idea. But, then. . .”
I look up and see nothing but support for whatever the story is between Cas and I. I’m not sure why I haven’t ever told this to my brothers, but I haven’t. I imagine that if I looked close enough I would find it has something to do with not wanting to admit all of this out loud, and truth is, if Cas hadn’t come back to Bear Valley, I doubt I ever would have engaged like this. That, and the brother-in-law brigade makes it hard to not take part in the conversation. I’m also still raw from my laundry-room breakdown, and having these guys offer me a willing ear and pastry is a balm I didn’t know I needed.
“But then?” Theo prods.
“I realized I was in love with him,” I whisper, eyes fixed on my coffee. “I had no idea when we wished each other well and drank to our future. I thought it was the loss of my closest friend. And we made promises to stay the best of friends. Then, by the time I figured things out, I didn’t know how to go back and tell him. Plus, he was hitting the charts with one song after another, I didn’t want to mess with the magic that was getting him what he wanted.” I twist my hands awkwardly. “Time just kept moving while I sorted myself out and it was easier to just keep things the way they were. Better for Cas.”
Perrin’s warm hand gives me a comforting squeeze on my shoulder, and I lean into it.
“Thank you for telling us,” Bishop says, sharing a look with Theo.
“For what it’s worth, there’s the story. I never told anyone all of that before. Cas used to come to Bear Valley with me when we were on school breaks — his parents don’t celebrate holidays, but I’m not sure my brothers even knew we were anything beyond friends with benefits.”
Perrin smiles, looking at each of us in turn. “What happens at Wednesday morning coffee, stays at Wednesday morning coffee.”
Chapter 15 – Caswell
Maybe I’m Amazed – Paul McCartney
Justlikethelasttwo times I have been to Black Diamond for one of Baylor’s shows, Quinn’s lighting is my friend. It hides my face well enough, and I dress differently than normal. Just jeans and a tee with a flannel. Nothing skintight or some vintage rocker tee. Nondescript is the name of my game. Since I was in LA, I had to shave the facial hair I was rocking. So far, I’ve never been photographed with it, and I would like to keep it that way because when it is long enough, I am unrecognizable.
This time I am also more relaxed. Even though Baylor doesn’t know I am back in town,yet, it’s not like the last two times when I watched him. Both of those times I was terrified someone would notice me. Officially, I was supposed to be states away from Colorado, not in the crowd at Black Diamond. But, I am supposed to be here, if someone sees me. It’s a local crowd, and the locals are used to seeing my face by now.
