I just nod. I know I was on the edge there for a while. Too much running, too many shows. Not enough rest or nutrition or hydration. Toward the end of the tour, I scared myself and felt burnout rushing toward me. I don’t want that.
“Just let me know if you need something, Nixy. This isn’t all about me and my stupid heart.”
“Hey,” Nix waits until I meet her gaze, “there’s nothing stupid about your heart, Cas. Just don’t give it away too soon, okay?”
“Too late, doll. That ship sailed years ago.”
Chapter 9 – Baylor
Stubborn Love – The Lumineers
Threedays.
Three days of Cas going from barely in my life to now he’s sleeping upstairs in my house. I see little remnants of him around, too. Clothes in my laundry that aren’t mine. The smell of his soap and shampoo drifting down whenever I walk by the stairs. His voice as he video chats with his acting coach.
Cas himself, in the flesh.
Three days shouldn’t be enough to turn my world upside down.
We have yet to write a single word toward any song, but I’m not worried about it. The words always tend to come when I need them, and not before. What I do worry about is my sanity. If I thought the ghost of Cas lingering around my house was bad, the real thing is worse.
Or maybe it’s better.
Jesus, I don’t know.
Somehow, Cas seems to know what I need. He touches me, a lot. But, not lingering, not long. Just a placement of a hand on me, a thigh next to mine. Each touch lights me up and settles something in me at the same time. I feel like a wild animal someone decided to make a pet, like he’s domesticating my feral, lonely existence.
Thank god for the good powder on the mountain today.
“You okay, Baylor?” Theo asks, gracefully planting his snowboard by my skis. We are at the top of the highest peak in Bear Valley, waiting for everyone to join us for another set of runs.
“Good. Nice stop,” I tell him. Theo has picked up snowboarding, something he hasn’t done since he was a kid, pretty quickly.
“Can you believe no one recognizes him?” he asks, and we look over to a well-disguised Cas. He looks like every other fit guy on the mountain, even in his snow gear. Between the beanie on his head, the goggles and hair on his face, and the neck gaiter the cold weather demands, he’s completely unrecognizable.
Noticing that Cas is heading my way, Theo pushes off, heading down the mountain a bit further where Matt, Quinn and Bishop wait.
I watch as Matt starts skiing backwards, very slowly slipping back from the group, his skis in a wide V out front. Theo boards right to him, stopping his snowboard lightly between Matt’s skis as Matt stops moving. Matt doesn’t hesitate to kiss his guy, and I hear their laughter bounce across the snow.
“This is amazing.” Cas laughs. “Not my skiing, obviously, but not a single person has looked twice at me. Not to be all conceited about it, but this is freedom, Baylor. I feel fucking amazing.”
I shrug. “Probably just the altitude failing to deliver enough oxygen to your brain.”
Cas gapes at me open-mouthed and then his shoulder shake.
“Fuck. That goddamn dry sense of humor.” He wheezes.
I feel my death grip on my ski poles loosen a bit. I know I’ve been holding myself pretty tight since he got here. I sort of just stay out of his way. I’m so afraid I’ll confess my undying love or pull him close and not let him go until I make sure those damn lips find mine again.
Maybe what I should do is what I told myself I would do at the beginning and just treat him like old times. It doesn’t feel like it used to be between us, but something is still there. Something deeper and untapped. Untested.
My plan for using this opportunity to get over him for good is not the best plan I ever had.
“Baylor? You okay?” Cas looks at me like maybe he’s said my name a few times.
“How are the legs holding up?” I ask, rather than answer his question.
“Going to need the hot tub tonight, no doubt.”
