I can’t go back there, even if it’s all I can think about.Becauseit’s all I can think about.
“I’m sorry I can’t be the person you need me to be,” I tell them as I back away. “I won’t stand in your way, but I can’t go with you. I just can’t.”
Turning, I head for my car. The door slams shut, cutting off Johnny’s shout. In the rear-view mirror, I see him running after me, but it’s too late. I’m already gone.
TWENTY-FOUR
______
TONI
I close down my computer with a hum of relief and go to the kitchen to make myself a celebratory drink. The quote Logan and I wrangled together has been sent, and I deserve something sumptuous and creamy. Pulling bottles down from my liquor cabinet and a carton of cream from the fridge, I carefully measure each liquid before pouring them into my blender. A few pulses later, I pour my very own signature Toblerone cocktail into a tall hurricane glass before adding some chocolate shavings on top and popping in a metal straw. Perfect.
After a quick clean up, I collapse on the couch and flick on the TV, sipping on my treat while I scroll through the list of content on my streaming service. There’s no point getting too invested in anything. Ned’s concert would have finished ages ago, so he shouldn’t be too far away. Considering how keyed up he always is after a performance, I can anticipate being well and truly occupied from the moment he walks through the door.
My gaze drops to the coffee table in front of me. Maybe I can bend him over it when he gets here, and give him a nice, leisurely fucking while I continue sipping my drink. He’d enjoy the icy bite of a cold tongue licking its way up his spine, I’m sure. Shifting in my seat, I dip a hand inside my pants to make comfort adjustments. Apparently, other parts of me appreciate the idea, as well.
Twenty minutes later, my glass is empty and I’m settling in with some period drama when Ned bursts through the door. My mouth curves as I straighten, but the devastation on his face kills the smile before it can take hold.
“What’s wrong?” I ask as he drops my spare key card on the kitchen counter and paces around the living room.
“I told them I didn’t want it to be a big deal,” he says, as if I have a clue what he’s talking about. “I told them, and they agreed. Weekend gigs, small pubs, nothing more. They promised. It’s the only reason I said yes to joining the stupid band in the first place. I didn’t think I’d be holding anyone back or getting in the way.”
Turning off the TV, I stand and grab Ned by the arms as he passes by. “What happened?”
He stops, takes a deep breath. “That manager showed up tonight. The one who came up to me after our set at the festival.”
“The hot ginger?” His name has slipped from my memory, but the meeting itself led to my first fight with Ned. That, I definitely remember.
Ned gives me a major stink eye. “He’s not that hot.”
“Not nearly as hot as you, I’ll admit,” I tease, hoping to lighten his mood. “I’ve still got his business card, actually.” Walking over to my small sideboard, I nab it from a drawer. “Calum Ellis.”
He frowns at the card, and then at me. “Why did you keep it?”
I shrug. “In case you changed your mind and wanted to contact him.”
With a low growl, Ned rolls his eyes. “You’re as bad as they are.” He resumes his pacing, which is difficult given my cramped apartment and his long strides. If he’s not careful, he’ll end up smacking face-first into a wall.
Dropping the card back into the drawer, I take a seat on the edge of the dining table while Ned does laps of the couch. “So, this Ellis guy showed up. Your band mates realised you didn’t tell them about him, and the shit hit the fan. Is that how it went?”
“That’s how it began,” he snaps, throwing his hands in the air. “All I wanted when I joined Fifth Circle was to be on stage again, so I could get the music out of my head. They said that’s all they wanted, too. But now people are taking notice of us and everything’s changing. They’ve gotten a taste of success and suddenly they’re all about getting bigger. Bigger venues. Bigger audiences. Bigger paycheques.” He stops to glare at me. “Maybe they should have admitted they wanted more from the beginning. Then, I wouldn’t have agreed to join them, and I wouldn’t be stuck feeling like a total prick for letting them down.”
“How are you letting them down, exactly?”
He jerks around to glare at me. “I can’t do bigger, Toni. I need to be satisfied with where I am now. It has to be enough.”
Standing, I move closer to him. “Wanting more doesn’t have to be a bad thing.” He stiffens and I reach up to cup his cheeks. “I know how much you love performing. You come alive every time you’re on stage. Your audiences love you, and you love them back twice as hard. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do more of what you love.”
Pulling my hands away from his face, he lets out a harsh bark of laughter. “Because giving twice as much as I got worked out so well for me last time.” Dropping onto the couch, he leans forwards to press his head into his hands.
I sit beside him, stroking one hand across his back. “I know you’re scared of what could happen if you let yourself chase those old dreams again. After what Zac did, you have every right to your fear. But, Ned, you can do things differently this time, avoid making the same mistakes. And you won’t be doing it alone. Johnny, Gavin, Oz, they’re not just your band mates, they’re your friends. Not one of them would ever be okay with you being hurt or exploited.”
“It doesn’t matter now.” Ned stands, crossing his arms as he moves to the other side of the room. “I quit the band.”
I shoot up onto my feet, my eyes threatening to pop out of my head. “Why would you quit?”
“Because I don’t want to stand in their way,” he grits out. “Because they’ll go further without me. Because no matter how deeply I bury it, I’m still the same desperate, hungry amateur who fucked a stranger to get ahead.” His hands clutch at his hair, tugging hard on the stands. “I gave everything to that man. All my power, all my dignity. I was left with nothing. I refuse to put myself in danger of doing it again.” He stands there, trembling. His eyes round and his breathing shaky.
