“Yes.”
Muttered curses erupt from the three men in front of me. This is the conversation I never wanted to have. Because to these guys, to most musicians in this country, being represented by Zachariah Powell sounds like a dream come true. It wasmydream come true—in the beginning.
“Is he also the ex-boyfriend you didn’t want to see at Autumn Skies?” Johnny asks, fitting the pieces together.
Stuffing my hands into my pockets, I nod. “We were together for eight months. He managed me the whole time. He tried to help me get off the ground but…” I shrug to cover the loss of words. Because even after three years, the truth still guts me. I’m a better fuck than I am a musician, no matter how good the stage feels.
Gavin’s mouth twists into an odd shape. “I don’t know, mate. I’ve played in a lot of bands with a lot of singers.” It’s true enough. At nearly thirty, Gav’s been playing the circuit longer than any of us. “The thought of someone as good as you not being able to gain traction, even with Zachariah Powell backing you up?” He shakes his head. “Sounds dodgy to me.”
That’s one word to describe my relationship with Zac, but somehow it lacks his air of smug sophistication. “Either way, it ended badly, and I walked away with nothing. I’m not about to sign up for more of the same.”
“It wouldn’t have to be the same,” Johnny jumps in. “Whatever happened between you two, it was clearly bad.”
Crossing my arms, I nod a second time.
“Okay, so I get now why you’re wary of getting involved with another manager. Zachariah Powell wouldn’t be the only bad egg and all. But that doesn’t mean we can’t get good representation if we want it. Right?” He glances at Gavin and Oz, who nod in agreement. “Working with Calum could be good for us.” His gaze drops and he shrugs. “Or, you know, someone like him.”
“I agree,” Gavin says. “We could check him out first, and the company he’s working for, make sure they’re decent. Charmaine can read over any agreements they want us to sign so we don’t get shafted.” He grins. “Being married to a solicitor has its advantages.”
“Exactly.” Johnny’s excitement is bubbling through his whole body now and the dread in my gut grows, twisting itself in knots. “We’ll be there to watch each other’s backs,” he adds, pointing a finger at me. “You might not have had that before, but you have it now.”
I turn to Oz, who’s been silent so far. “What about you? Are you itching to be a rock star, too?” I don’t mean to sound pissed off about the notion, but really, I am. This is the opposite of what I signed up for. I have a right to be pissed about it.
Oz hesitates, but then his head bobs. “It would be nice to feel like we’re building something, moving forward. We’ve been stuck in the same place an awful long time.”
A lead weight settles in my gut. I thought Gavin and Oz were happy with the way things were, and Johnny was the only one getting antsy. But it’s all of them. They want the same things I’ve been craving, for all the same reasons. The music of their souls needs to come out, and I’ve become an obstacle standing in their way.
“Ned.” Johnny clasps my shoulder. “I know this wasn’t the plan when you joined us, but there’s one detail we weren’t counting on back then.”
“What is that?” I ask, dryly.
He grins. “The four of us together are so freaking good.”
Gavin laughs out loud, and Oz gives a low chuckle.
“Seriously, man,” Johnny continues, “we were a decent band before. But you, my friend, turned out to be the secret sauce.”
I shake my head. “You never needed me. All you needed was a singer who could show up on time and not be wasted.”
“I’ll admit it was a start,” Johnny says with a laugh. “It’s more than that, though, and you know it. We mesh on stage like a freaking dream and people respond to that. They know us. They love our music. The momentum is growing, and this is our chance to do something awesome, but we’re going to need help. I reckon the sooner we accept it, the better off we’ll be.”s
“You’re right.” My heart threatens to crack as I say the words. “You should keep growing. You always were a great band, and you’ll still be great after I’m gone.”
Silence cuts through the darkness like a guillotine. All eyes are on me. Oz’s mouth falls open. Gavin winces. Then there’s Johnny.
“What in the ever-living fuck are you talking about?” he growls, his limbs vibrating with tension. “Are you seriously threatening to quit on us? Now?”
“It’s not a threat,” I insist. “I don’t want to leave. But you’ve all worked so hard to get to this point and you shouldn’t stop now. You deserve every success coming to you.” My voice wavers and I stop to clear the tightness from my throat. “But you’ll have to do it without me.”
“That’s bull and you know it.” Johnny rakes his hands through his hair. “You and I write the music together, Ned. Gavin and Oz finish what we start. That’s the way it works. That’swhyit works. Because the four of us, together, work. None of us is expendable,” he yells, apparently no longer caring who hears. “You can’t just be replaced.” He storms back to the van with a roar of fury before punching the side panel with a closed fist.
“Woah, Johnny.” Gavin rushes over to protect his pride and joy. “Settle down. We’ll sort this out.”
My shoulders slump. I should have seen this coming. Joining Fifth Circle was a mistake from the beginning. It’s unfair for any band to be saddled with a singer who can only go halfway. They deserve more than I can allow myself to give.
Oz sidles closer, his frown tight and his arms crossed. “You know we’re not planning to conquer the world, yeah?” he says, quietly. “Not even Johnny, though he may have temporarily forgotten. We just want to expand on what we’re already doing. None of us became musicians to play the same small stages forever.” He huffs a laugh. “Not even you.”
He’s right. The idea of spending my life creating music and performing it for others still gets to me like nothing else. It sparks an inferno in my blood, it pulses through my dick, and turns every limb languid with want. That’s the problem. Being a musician isn’t simply a career choice for me, it’s a way of life, a state of being. The last time I tried to embrace that life, it almost destroyed me in all the ways that count.
