He’d always been a beautiful boy. Everyone had commented on it growing up. I knew he didn’t see it, with the awkwardness of late puberty still upon him. He’d always hated the way his lips were too big for his face and his limbs were too long for his body. Because we’d grown up together, I’d never put much thought into what he looked like. Even last year, when I’d had a major crush on him, it had been more about how he made me feel when I was with him. But looking through the lens of my camera as he sat before me, I could see what others saw. They were right, he was the most beautiful boy. In all the ways valued by the shallowest parts of society, he would be a beautiful man. Remarkably so.
As if responding to my personal epiphany, the sun disappeared behind some clouds, taking the sharp edges out of the afternoon, and nudging the lighting conditions from ideal to perfect. My heart leapt in my chest. I’d hoped for a moment like this. Now it had arrived, I wanted to make the most of it.
“Let’s try something a little different,” I murmured, keeping my voice low and steady so as not to upset Connor’s focus, but adding a touch of dramatic flair. “I want you to make love to the camera.”
Connor flinched, his brows descending. “What?”
“Come on, you’ve heard photographers yelling at models to do it in movies, right?” He answered with a slight quirk of his lips. “You’re supposed to look at me like you’re hopelessly in love with me.”
His shoulders hunched and colour rushed into his cheeks. “I can’t. It’s embarrassing.”
“Yes, you can. I’ve seen you in Drama. You know how to act.” I peeked out from behind the camera, desperate to put him at ease before the light shifted again. “Pretend it’s the climax of an action movie. You’re madly in love with me and this is your only chance to let me know before you ride off to certain death. But you can’t say anything, you can only look at me.”
Ducking back behind the camera, I waited, and hoped.
Connor took a single, deep breath, his body shifting. The left arm he had draped over a raised knee lowered and his hand wrapped tight around his ankle. Bowing forward, his torso tucked in close behind that bent leg, while the other curled closer to his body underneath. His head turned slightly, and his lips parted. The movements were subtle, he probably didn’t even realise he’d made them and yet, they wholly altered the story his body told.
By the time his gaze lifted to confront the lens, I was so entranced I almost forgot to take the shot. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. Every shuddery breath he took had to be captured, the longing of his eyes preserved. His love for me, pretend though it may be, made my breath catch and my heartbeat stumble.
The sun returned. Connor squinted in the sudden glare. The moment was gone.
I sat frozen, watching Connor come back to himself, emerging from whatever little bubble of aching emotion he’d gone into.
He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye before looking away again. When he spoke, his voice was so soft I barely heard him. “Can we be done now?”
Nodding, I swallowed past the lump in my throat, hoping my voice wouldn’t fail me. “Yeah. We’re done.”
“Good.” Clambering to his feet, Connor headed straight for the nearby bench seat, where Law sat with my bag propped on his lap. Connor grabbed his t-shirt from the top of the bag and yanked it over his head. “I’m gonna go find a um… a bathroom,” he said to no one in particular. “I’ll be back.”
I watched him walk away, his legs eating up the concrete with long strides, before I clipped the lens cap into place and joined Law on the bench.
“Did you get what you needed?” he asked, his voice oddly rough. “For the competition?”
“I think so. Yes.”
An uncomfortable silence filled the space between us before he spoke again. “How long has Connor been in love with you?”
Releasing a nervous laugh, I rolled my eyes. “He’s not. I asked him to act like he was.”
Law snorted his disbelief. “He’s not that good an actor.”
I had to admit, there had been times in the past few years when I’d thought maybe Connor had romantic feelings for me. The thought hadn’t been unwelcome at the time. But he’d never said anything, and the thought of changing our relationship in such an irrevocable way had scared me into a hasty retreat. Then, I’d started dating Law. Falling in love with him had rendered the possibilities that existed between me and Connor irrelevant, and I’d put those feelings aside. I suppose I thought Connor had done the same.
“What if Connor does maybe have feelings for me?” I asked, my stomach in knots at the sudden awkwardness. “Does it weird you out?”
“No,” he said quickly, without even taking time to think about it. “I guess I don’t often see you two together, so I hadn’t realised.” Standing, he started to pack up the few things I’d scattered on the bench. “It took me by surprise. I thought he liked… someone else.”
“Who?” I asked, straightening. “Someone at school?”
“No, I don’t know.” He slung the bag over his shoulder, not meeting my gaze. “Maybe I was wrong.”
“You won’t say anything to Connor, will you?” I put a hand on his arm to halt him. “I don’t want him to be embarrassed, and I don’t want anything between the three of us to change. I mean, you know you have no reason to be jealous, right?”
“I’m not jealous.” He said the words as if the idea had never occurred to him.
“Good, because Connor will always be my friend. But my heart is yours—only yours.”
He didn’t respond in kind, like he usually did. But he did pull me close, and when he wrapped his arms around me, he held on tight. As if he never wanted to let me go.
