I looked down at our joined hands, stroked my thumb along the back of his fingers. “After he left, I got worse. There was no one around to object anymore. Those last few months were a hellish blend of extreme deprivation and studio lights, until finally I passed out in the middle of a shoot and no one could wake me up. I came to in the hospital. The doctors told me I’d become malnourished. They diagnosed me with Orthorexia Nervosa, an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating.” I huffed out a breath, shaking my head. “I didn’t even know what I was doing had a name.
“My agency claimed to be shocked, as if they had no idea. They insisted I take some time off and get my shit together. So, I came home.”
“What about now?” Lines of deep concern furrowed his brow. “Are you doing all right?”
“Yes, much better,” I said, nodding. “Breaking the cycle was hard at first, it took a while before I could face anyone, even Gabi. I spent a lot of time with my parents and the rest of my family. That was good for me. Then, when I did reconnect with Gabi… and with you,” I added, smiling, “that was good, too. Being around the two of you makes me feel more like Connor again, and less like Clay. I don’t need to be perfect anymore, I only have to be me.”
Standing, he yanked me off the bench and into his arms. I could feel the harshness of his breathing as he buried his face in my neck, his arms like bands around me. “Thank you for telling me,” he rasped into my ear.
Hugging him tight, I closed my eyes and relished the warmth of his body crushed against mine. “You’re welcome,” I murmured. “Thank you for loving me.”
He barked out a laugh, before pulling back to kiss me lightly on the lips. “Always.”
TWENTY-SIX
______
LAWRENCE
I gave up on sleep around midnight. Leaving Gabi and Connor curled up together in bed, I padded out to the kitchen. I’d seen a stash of teabags in the pantry somewhere. Some kind of weird fruity shit that probably tasted like hot cordial, but at least it would give me something to do for five minutes.
Everything Connor had told me at the park knocked around in my brain. I’d had no idea what he went through to achieve his career success. How many times had I studied photographs of him and been proud of his appearance? He looked so healthy. He looked… perfect. I’d had no idea how badly he was hurting. How he’d been treating himself.
I glanced up as Gabi came into the room. Her legs bare under a long t-shirt, her hair mussed.
“Hey.” Her voice sounded half-asleep as she curled up on the couch beside me. “What are you doing sitting out here all alone in the dark?”
“Can’t sleep,” I told her, holding up my cup. “You want some?”
She shook her head no. A few minutes passed in comfortable silence, before I spoke again.
“Connor told me about his eating disorder.”
A hum of acknowledgment slipped past her lips. “That’s enough to keep anyone up at night.”
“Did you know about it?” I asked. “Before he came back, I mean.”
She shook her head. “I didn’t have a clue. He’d stopped answering my phone calls about a year before he came home. At the time I figured he’d decided to let the friendship slide. It had been so long since we’d seen each other, and our lives were so different. It made me sad, but I didn’t hold it against him. When he first got in touch with me again, I could tell he had some kind of problem, and food had something to do with it. But he seemed so… healthy.” She sighed as she said that last word. The one that was supposed to mean he was okay. “It wasn’t until he told me everything that I understood why he’d pushed me away.” Sitting up straighter, she rested her head on my shoulder. “I wish I’d tried harder to stay in touch, but at the time I didn’t realise how much he needed me.”
Bending forward, I rested my elbows on my knees as I ran a hand over my face. “This is my fault.”
Gabi lifted her head. “Why would you say such a thing?”
“I put the first set of weights in Connor’s hands,” I said, shaking with anger at myself. “I started him training in the first place. I pushed him to work harder and build more muscle.”
“And you helped him stand up to the bullies who were hurting him.”
“I stood him in front of a mirror,” I cried. “Did you know that? I encouraged him to be the best version of himself he could be. He hurt himself with the words I gave him.”
“You couldn’t have known what would happen,” Gabi insisted. “How many people have you trained over the years? Hundreds? Would you wish away all the good you’ve done for those people?”
“I set him up for this.”
“Do you think I haven’t had to deal with exactly the same thoughts since he told me?” she demanded, rising to her feet. “Who took those first pictures of him? Who entered him into the contest that started his career in the first place? I did, you idiot!” She pushed her hair back as she glared at me, her eyes wet with tears. “If you’re looking to place blame, make sure you hand over my share.”
Reaching out, I took her hand in mine and drew her closer so I could wrap my arms around her waist, press my head against her stomach. “I’m sorry. I just want him to be okay,” I said with a heavy sigh. “I want him to be happy.”
“I am happy.” Connor’s voice came to us from the bedroom doorway. Our heads snapped up at the same time. He stood there in the darkness, his hair a mess and his arms crossed. “No one gets to claim responsibility for my actions. What I did, I did to myself. Understand?”
