“No shit, really?” His eyes lit up at my nod, before turning serious once more. “What do you think I should do?”
“For a start, you need to learn to work with your body type instead of trying to change it. A lot of brands do want bulk and stubble, but that’s not you. If your potential agent is already trying to pitch you to the wrong people, it’s not a good sign. Just because someone offers you a contract doesn’t mean you should sign it. What you need is to connect with the right people.
“It’s still going to be hard,” I continued. “They’ll still come at you about whatever they perceive as your flaws, but it will take the whole muscle-bound Greek God stereotype out of the equation.” Pulling my phone out of my bag, I searched up the number of an agent I knew. “This woman right here,” I handed the phone to Trent so he could see the profile picture, “works with people like you, who can be more gender neutral. She can put you in front of people who want what you have to offer. Plus, she has a reputation for taking care of her models, that’s important. You want someone who will give a shit about you.”
“Okay.” He bit down on his bottom lip as he studied the profile picture, looking eager but nervous.
“Send me a couple of your portfolio pictures and I’ll pass them on myself,” I told him, fishing a business card with my email address out of my wallet.
A wide smile broke out on his face. “Seriously? You’d do that for me?”
“Sure. Any friend of Law’s...” I added, tossing a wink at the man who stood patiently at the end of the bench. “Besides,” I told Trent, “this woman is going to freaking weep with joy at the sight of you.”
“Thanks man, really. That’s so great.” He handed the phone back and slid my card into a side pocket of his bag before carefully zipping it closed, as if my card was a prized possession. Which, considering what I could do for his career with a couple of phone calls, wasn’t too far from the truth. “Sorry for being a douche earlier,” he said, his cheeks pink.
I lifted my chin at him. “You’re forgiven. But you have to promise me you won’t take the shitty attitude to work with you. The world has enough arseholes already, without you adding to the total. Got it?”
He straightened, holding my gaze. “Loud and clear.”
“Good.” I grinned. We’d get along fine.
* * *
After Trent left, Law sat on the park bench beside me. “You were great with him.”
“Thanks.”
We stared out over the grass to a children’s play area on the far side. A half-dozen kids played on the equipment, their parents chatting on the sidelines.
“I’ve been working with Trent for a while now. He showed up at the age of sixteen. Reed thin and full of ambition. Told me he was going to be famous. Turned out he only wanted the fame so he could come back here and throw it in the faces of all the bastards who’d taunted him for looking too much like a girl. Dickwads. He worked hard right from the first day. Determined, consistent. He reminded me of you actually.”
I couldn’t help but smile as I met the fondness of his gaze. Trent reminded me of me, too.
“He’s filled out nicely, but it’s never been enough for him. I’ve tried to explain it takes time and he has to work with his body type but... he’s only become more determined to prove me wrong. Honestly, I’d started to worry about him.”
“Keep worrying,” I told him, remembering the hunger I’d seen in Trent’s eyes. It wasn’t only for muscle. I’d bet money his stomach didn’t remember what full felt like. “Even if he does make it as a model, he’ll still have to face criticism about his physical appearance day in and day out. It’ll be hard. He’s the kind of kid who won’t be able to keep the noise out of his head. They’ll get to him. Before he knows it, he’ll be changing everything about himself to please them. He’ll do anything they tell him to, and he’ll be grateful for the chance.” I could hear the bitter tang of my own words, feel an old frustration kicking in.
Law watched me in silence, before he asked, “Is that what happened to you?”
Turning my head, I met his gaze head-on. I hadn’t told Law the truth about why I came home, only Gabi. But if we were going to be together, I had to come clean. He needed to know who I’d become.
“Models are told what to wear on their body, on their face, in their hair. We’re told how to move, where to stand, when to smile, where to look. That’s the job, it’s the way it’s supposed to work, and I’m good at it. But after a while I started to lose the ability to self-direct. I felt like I didn’t have control over anything, not even my own limbs. I was nothing more than a ball of clay.” The name had eventually left me feeling like I wasn’t quite human anymore. “Even then, there were times when I didn’t meet expectations. I was too tall, too short, too thin, too fat, my eyes were too far apart, or my skin was too pale. The people who hired me were more than happy to let me know all the ways I didn’t measure up. How I wasn’t worth the money they’d paid for me.
“So, I decided to take your words to heart and be the very best version of me possible.” I gave him a wry grin. “Wasn’t quite what you had in mind when you said them, I know. But I figured, if I became the perfect version of me, no one could touch me. The criticism wouldn’t hurt if I knew there was no room left for improvement.”
Law watched me closely, his eyes dark with regret. “What did you do?”
“I hired the best trainer I could afford, and I followed his instructions to the letter. Got plenty of sleep, trained hard but smart. After that, I focused on my diet. Cut out sugar, all processed foods, all the unhealthy fats.”
“Okay,” he said when I paused. “Sounds fair enough.”
“It was, at first, and it worked for a while. I hit my peak physically, but it wasn’t enough. I became obsessed with those tiny improvements, with the purity of my food. I started to focus on where it came from, how it was grown and cooked. I stopped eating out with friends because I couldn’t bear the idea of someone using an ingredient that wasn’t on my go list. I began calculating ratios for proteins versus carbs. Micronutrients, macronutrients. Everything had to be carefully weighed and measured to make sure the amounts were perfect. I became vegetarian, then vegan, then raw vegan. Not in a healthy way, where I made sure all my nutritional bases were covered, I just kept cutting things out. As I got more restrictive, the number of foods I was willing to eat continued to shrink until finally I could count more than half of them on my fingers alone. I never consciously restricted my calories, but I preferred to go hungry rather than eat food I considered unacceptable.
“I honestly believed I was doing the right thing for my body, treating it like a shrine, and one wrong bite would destroy all my hard work. I had to be pure to be perfect.” I paused, letting my own words sink in. It all seemed so unreal now, that I could ever believe the crap my brain had been telling me, but at the time, I hadn’t doubted it for a second.
“The worse I got, the more famous I became. Nico, my boyfriend, tried to talk sense into me, but I wouldn’t listen. I told myself he was jealous of my success. How could he not be? I was on top of the world—untouchable. Eventually, he couldn’t deal with my arrogance anymore and I don’t blame him. The way I treated him…” The knots in my stomach grew as I thought about it. Law reached for my hand, curling his fingers around mine, and I took comfort from his touch. “He did the right thing, leaving me. He couldn’t have done anything to stop it and being around me only hurt him.”
“How did you break free of it?” Law asked in a low voice.
