Chapter 24
Jeremy stayed at his place on Monday night. He washed his clothes, watered his plants, and exercised for the first time in a week. The familiar burn in his muscles that came from working out felt fantastic, and it freed him of all the excess energy he had after spending the weekend sitting on his arse. When he finished, he showered and ate dinner. The rest of the evening was spent catching up on paperwork for the store. He swore under his breath when he noticed he’d almost been late paying a bill for one of his suppliers.
That’s when he realised Harrison was right. All these little chores he’d been neglecting, these were the things he did each day to take care of himself and keep his life running smoothly. He’d still been doing them at the start of his relationship with Harrison, when everything had been going well. But the moment he came face to face with Harrison’s depression, he’d shifted his orbit, allowing his life to revolve around Harrison instead of himself. It had only been for a few days and his own life hadn’t suffered yet, but if Harrison hadn’t put a stop to it he would have kept on the same way. Eventually, there would have been consequences, just as there were consequences when his life revolved around Aaron.
Perhaps Harrison had been right about that, too. He’d left Aaron, in the end, because the leash Aaron kept him on had come to feel like a noose around his neck. But there was no way he would have stuck around for six years if he hadn’t gotten something out of their relationship. And he couldn’t deny part of him had thrived on being so important to another person—completely vital to his happiness. It was like a drug, and he’d been addicted.
That was the real reason he’d insisted on being single for a while, he supposed, to wean himself off that kind of relationship. As it turned out, taking care of himself when he was alone was the easy part. Now he had to learn to continue taking care of himself while loving someone else—through bad times as well as good. Learning to do that would have been much simpler with someone who didn’t struggle with the issues Harrison had to deal with. But apparently his heart had decided to give a big ‘Fuck You’ to simple, because Harrison was, without a doubt, the man Jeremy wanted.
Thinking back over the last few months, he was reminded of how easy it had been to fall in love with Harrison. They’d clicked from day one. They enjoyed each other’s company, had plenty of shared interests, and the sex was hot as all freaking hell. Jeremy had been happier with Harrison than he’d ever been in his life. And although things weren’t great right now, Jeremy believed they could get past it.
And so, after work on Tuesday night, he headed straight back to Harrison’s apartment. He tried the knob and found the door unlocked again. They were going to have to talk about that. For a security guard, Harrison had a rather lax approach to home security.
Closing the door behind him, he turned around and took in the empty living room. The curtains had been drawn closed again,Invictuswas still on the floor. A reality TV show played on the muted television.
He was still standing there, his backpack over one shoulder, when Harrison walked into the room. He stopped short as their eyes met. Jeremy had thought he might look better after getting the space he’d craved. If anything, he looked worse.
“Hey,” Jeremy offered. He took a deep breath to calm his pulse, feeling every bit as nervous as he had the night of their first date. “I hope you don’t mind me showing up unannounced—again.” They hadn’t spoken since Harrison stormed out of this very room before dawn on Monday, putting an end to their confrontation. It was entirely possible Harrison didn’t want him here. He probably should have considered thatbeforehe walked through the door.
“You came back.” Harrison sound bewildered by the fact. “Why?”
“Because I’m in love with you,” he said, holding the other man’s gaze. “And because there is still nowhere else I’d rather be.”
Harrison shook his head. “That doesn’t make any sense. Being around me doesn’t make you feel good anymore, it can’t possibly.”
Jeremy frowned at the absurdity of Harrison’s words. “I’ll admit this past week hasn’t been brimming with rainbows and unicorns, but all relationships have their ups and downs. This is our down, it will pass.” He took a step closer. “I’m not going to throw us away because we hit a bump in the road.”
“This is more than a bump,” Harrison said with a heavy sigh, refusing to meet his gaze. “I’m not good for you.”
“Are you sure you haven’t got that backward?”
Harrison looked up then, confusion clouding his eyes.
“I’m the one who fell back into old patterns,” Jeremy pointed out. “I’m the one who fucked up here. There’s some part of me that’s all too eager to self-destruct, as if it’s some sort of romantic gesture. You saw that and you stopped it from happening.” He took another step forward, wishing away the distance that still separated them. “Harrison, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Don’t you get that?”
He’d hoped his declaration would bring a smile to Harrison’s face, instead the other man seemed to crumble before his eyes. “No.” He spat the word out, shaking his head in denial. “The way I spoke to you, the things I said. I can’t get it out of my head.” He rubbed his hands over his face, swiping at the tears that filled his eyes. “I hurt you and I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. I needed to hear it.” Closing the last of the distance between them, Jeremy took hold of Harrison’s wrists, drawing his hands away from his face. “You were right. I believed as long as I was here with you, you’d automatically start to get better. Just like that.”
“I wish it were so simple,” Harrison muttered. Sliding his hands into Jeremy’s, Harrison drew him over to the couch where they sat facing each other. “Is that how things worked between you and Aaron?”
“Pretty much.” Jeremy hung his head. “Apparently, it gave me a really big ego.”
“Don’t worry. We’ll bring that down to size.” There was no evidence of amusement in Harrison’s tone, or his expression, but Jeremy had no doubt he’d intended the words as a joke and the knowledge still made him smile.
“I’m glad it doesn’t work like that between you and me though,” Jeremy added. “I mean, I hate that you’re hurting, and I would still like to think my being here helps in some way.”
“It does,” Harrison interjected. “I promise.”
“But the thing is…” Jeremy paused, searching for the right words. This was the last time he wanted Aaron’s name to ever pass between them, so he wanted to make sure he explained himself properly. “When Aaron broke, every time he broke, he would cut me with the pieces. You don’t. You gather the pieces up, give them a polish, and then you set about putting them back together. I know you would do the same, whether I was here or not. Which means I’m free to stay or go as I please, right?”
Harrison nodded, though his grip on Jeremy’s fingers tightened. “Right.”
“Well then, it pleases me to stay.” A smile curved Jeremy’s lips as he added, “And you will always know why I’m here. Not because I feel like I don’t have a choice, or I feel guilty, or because I’m worried about what you’ll do without me. I’m here because I want to be with you.” The corners of Harrison’s mouth lifted, and the sight did things to Jeremy’s insides that told him this was exactly where he was meant to be.
With a relieved sigh, Harrison leaned down to kiss his knuckles. “Have you eaten?” he asked once he straightened.
Jeremy shook his head. “Not yet.”
