Another long pause ensued. Jeremy no longer got the feeling Harrison was censoring his words though. It was more like he was taking care to find the right ones. “I forgot to eat once. My aunty found out. She moved in with me until I got better.” He made a face at the memory. “I love Aunty Cel, but I’m too old for force-feeding. The next time I had a relapse I started using reminders, so it wouldn’t happen again.”
“And the threat of another intervention is enough to stop you from ignoring them?” Harrison nodded and Jeremy snorted in amusement. “I can understand that. How long did you forget to eat for?”
Harrison shrugged. “I’m not sure. Four days, maybe five.” He looked up abruptly, as if realising what he’d just admitted. “It happened a long time ago. I don’t usually get that bad anymore.”
Jeremy forced himself to keep a blank face as he chewed and swallowed. He forgot breakfast occasionally, or worked through lunch, but four days? How did that even happen? “I’m with Aunty Cel,” he said. “I would have force-fed you, too.” He sat back in his chair and put his hands behind his head as he stretched. “I think I’ll like your aunty. She sounds like my kind of woman.”
Giving up on the food after a few bites, Harrison put his fork down and considered Jeremy for a long moment before he said, “I could introduce you some time. If you want.”
“That would be great.” Jeremy stood up, leaning over to place a quick kiss on Harrison’s cheek before he started clearing the dishes.
A hand covered his as he stacked the plates. “I’ll do these,” Harrison said from beside him. “You cooked.”
“No need,” Jeremy assured him. “You rest. I’ll take care of everything else.” Heading for the sink, he turned the water on before glancing at Harrison over his shoulder. “Can I get you anything?”
Harrison rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, not looking up as he left the room. “No, thanks. I’m good.”
On Sunday morning, Harrison took a shower. He sat on the floor and let the water pound against his head and back until the heat ran out and the stream turned to miniature icicles striking his skin. Before he got out, he ran soap over his body. The shampoo bottle was out of reach, so he washed is hair with soap as well.
Once he’d dried himself off, he cleaned his teeth and shaved the stubble from his cheeks. Then, he forced himself to meet his own gaze in the bathroom mirror. He looked like shit, but at least he was clean shit now. If only he could clean his insides the way he could clean the outside. Pull the brain from his skull and scrub away the parts that did the over-thinking. Maybe he could even get into the nooks and crannies to dislodge the memories that hid there, waiting to pounce.
When he walked back into the bedroom he saw Jeremy smoothing fresh sheets onto the bed. The dirty ones sat in a pile on the floor.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Jeremy said, his lips twisting into a wry grin. “I thought fresh sheets might feel nice.”
“Sure. Thank you.” Harrison pulled on a clean pair of shorts. He probably should have been embarrassed he’d let his personal hygiene fall so far below standard—should have been, but wasn’t. If Jeremy objected to the stench he was free to escape this little piece of hell any time he wanted. All he had to do was walk through the front door. Harrison didn’t have that luxury. If he left, hell would follow.
“Can I get you anything?” Jeremy asked.
Harrison shook his head. Jeremy had started asking that question yesterday afternoon, sometime before dinner. He asked again after dinner, before he went to bed, after he woke up. As if somehow there would be a different answer. Something other than ‘no.’
The clean sheets did feel nice as Harrison stretched out on his stomach. The effort of cleaning himself up had left him exhausted. Now he was able to get a few hours’ sleep at a time, that was all he wanted.
Jeremy stood beside the bed for a long moment, watching him. He wanted to help, Harrison was painfully aware of that. The need todo somethingto make him better rolled off Jeremy in waves. Only there was nothing he could do.
“You want to join me for a nap?” It was the only offer Harrison felt capable of making.
Crouching down beside the bed, Jeremy stroked his bare shoulder. “That’s probably not a good idea,” he murmured. “You may have noticed this already, but I find you hellishly attractive. If I get into bed with you at ten in the morning, I’m not going to want to nap.” He leaned over to place a kiss against the base of Harrison’s spine. “And I should stop talking like this because I’m already at half-mast.” He smiled as he pulled back to gaze into Harrison’s face, smoothing the hair back from his forehead. “I love you.”
Harrison listened to the words, but they produced no reflection in him. No pleasure, no desire… no love. His own indifference made him feel worse. Because the last time Jeremy said those words, Harrison had said them back—with fervour, with utter devotion. Where did those feelings go?
He glimpsed the disappointment in Jeremy’s eyes at his lack of response, though the other man did his best to hide it. It was more than Harrison could take. He turned away, curling up into himself and wishing Jeremy would leave the room.
“You get some sleep.” There was movement as Jeremy rose from beside the bed. “When you wake up, I’ll make us something to eat. I’ll be in the living room if you need anything.”
Harrison squeezed his eyes closed as the freshly changed sheets grew wet beneath his cheek. He liked having Jeremy in the apartment with him, but at the same time he wished he would leave—at least for a little while, so he could breath. It had been there for less than forty-eight hours and already Jeremy was looking for responses Harrison didn’t have to give, confirmations he was terrified would never come. It was too much, too hard, too suffocating.
Beneath the agitation and the confusion were the words he could never bring himself to say to this man he remembered loving, even if he couldn’t feel it.Please, don’t give up on me.
The other side of the bed was empty when Jeremy woke up before dawn on Monday morning. He padded into the living room and found Harrison sitting on the couch. His legs were drawn up in front of him, one hand curled in front of his mouth as he stared out the glass door into the night. A single lamp glowed on the nearby side table.
“Can’t sleep?”
Harrison flinched, his eyes lifting at the sound of Jeremy’s voice. “Hey,” he said as he unfolded his legs. He had what appeared to be a small photo album tucked into his lap and he reached down to put it on the lower shelf of the coffee table.
Jeremy took the hint and didn’t ask about the album. Instead, he curled up at the other end of the couch, pulling one of Harrison’s feet into his lap. They sat together in the quiet for a few minutes, until Jeremy spoke. “I was thinking, I could ask Kat to cover for me at the store the next couple of days.”
The silence became absolute as Harrison’s gaze locked on him. “Doesn’t she have classes to go to?”
