When they entered the library, Elizabeth was scanning a book on the shelf nearest a window. She had turned herself so the light fell on her back and illuminated the pages. Darcy felt his heart twist at the lovely picture she presented. It was all too easy to imagine her by the great windows of the library at Pemberley, equally absorbed in his collection.
“Good afternoon, Miss Elizabeth,” he said as he came through the arched doorway. Though he had deliberately spoken to avoid startling her, Elizabeth seemed startled all the same, nearly whipping around at the sound of his voice. And was there not something a little forced in her smile?
Mr Bingley came forward and greeted her, looking around the aisles for Miss Bennet.“How good of you to come, Miss Elizabeth Bennet. Darcy has been moping about ever since he came home without being able to see you the other day.”
Elizabeth shot him a curious glance, but Darcy only shook his head.“Indeed? I did not know I had such a hold on his emotions.”
Bingley gave a good-natured chuckle.“You have the strongest of holds on him, I assure you. I would have lured him into my carriage and taken him to Longbourn to see you if you hadn’t come today,” Bingley teased. “Elsewise, I don’t think I could have borne another day of moping.”
For an instant, Darcy half regretted keeping the reason he had stayed away from his friend. Little as he would have enjoyed explaining the quarrel to Bingley, this was becoming unbearable. He cast a guilty look in Elizabeth’s direction. She returned it with more equanimity, even friendliness, than he could have hoped. Was it possible she appreciated his discretion? Elizabeth ought to have known that matters between them would stay just that — between the two of them.
“I see. Well, we were unavoidably detained with some unexpected visitors the other day,” Elizabeth said. She eyed Darcy warily, then turned her attention to Mr Bingley, who was still looking for the elusive Miss Bennet.“I am afraid I came alone this afternoon. I hope you do not mind.”
Despite an obvious effort, Bingley could not entirely conceal his disappointment.“Ah, I see. Well, of course, you are always welcome, Miss Elizabeth.” He glanced at Darcy, who gave a slight nod toward the door.“Well then, I shall leave the two of you to discuss your nuptials in peace. I only wanted to say hello. Please convey my greetings to your family.”
“I will be sure to do so, Mr Bingley. Thank you.”
Bingley walked out of the room without half the smiles he had upon entering it. Elizabeth gave a knowing smile.“Poor Mr Bingley. I know I am a disappointment.”
“I cannot conceal that he would have relished it, had your sister accompanied you,” Darcy replied.“Surely there can no longer be any doubt of his interest. Bingley was never one for concealing his true feelings — not beyond that which is required of any courteous person in society, I mean. People in London view it as very common to hide their thoughts behind a mask. But I find it very refreshing about my friend.”
“It is commendable, to be sure,” she replied.“And I know he thinks well of Jane. I can only hope that…” She halted, looking down at her hands. Elizabeth startled a little, as though she had only then realised that she still held the book in one hand. She fumbled and nearly dropped it. Darcy found himself smiling. It was rather unlike her to be so uncertain. Did he hope too much in seeing it as a sign that she, too, cared about the relations between them?
At last, Elizabeth found the book’s place on the shelf, returned it, and turned her full attention to him. She came away from the bookshelves to stand in the sitting area with him, wringing her hands.“Thank you for seeing me today.” She gave a self-deprecating laugh.“If I am being entirely honest, I was unsure if you would allow me into the house.”
“I would never keep you out. Indeed, I am glad you have come,” Darcy replied. It was his turn to feel embarrassed now. And he could not help but wonder what had brought her.“I had considered writing to you, but thought to leave you in peace for a little while.”
She simply nodded.“I am sorry it has taken me this long to come. I had many thoughts and feelings to sort through.” Elizabeth refused to look at him. Indeed, she looked in every direction but in his eyes. What could it mean?
His heart all but stopped. Had she come to ask for a release from their engagement? It ought to be a relief to imagine it, but it was not. His heart would suffer under such a reversal, as much for his own sake as out of concern for her.
But his feelings were no reason to be less than courteous. Darcy told himself that he must recover his self-command. If it was only an outward appearance, while his heart remained utterly shaken, that would be enough.“Shall we go to the drawing room? I can order some tea.”
Elizabeth thought for a moment, no doubt relieved for the respite, so she might gather her thoughts. He could do with a respite as well, before they began any serious discussion.“Yes, thank you,” she replied.
Darcy offered her his arm, which she took stiffly, out of duty, no doubt. At least he would have a few moments to calm his nerves and clear his mind for what lay ahead. If she broke the engagement, he hardly knew what he would do. All courtesy would demand that he agree.
Yet if he did so, it would mean letting the woman he loved destroy herself.
Chapter 13
Once in the drawing room, Elizabeth sat down and clasped her hands tightly in her lap. She tried to calm her mind and nerves while Mr Darcy rang for tea. He soon settled himself on the settee opposite her. She shifted, unsure how to begin.“Once again, I want to thank you for agreeing to listen to me,” she began, not knowing what else to say.
“Miss Elizabeth, I will not lie to you. I was upset after our conversation the other day. But I am not one to lock people out. I am glad you have come,” Mr Darcy said.“I would much rather have everything out in the open, rather than have things fester.” He had seemed so imposing when they had been standing in the library. But now he seemed just as nervous as she was.
She took a steadying breath, studying her hands as she gathered her courage and went on to say what she had come to say.“Mr Darcy, I wanted to come and apologise to you.” She paused to see his reaction. It was very different from what she had expected. Indeed, she had imagined seeing a smug smile cross his face when she apologised.
Instead, Mr Darcy looked utterly astounded.“You did?”
She swallowed hard.“Yes, I did — I have — ” She stopped, feeling like she was lurching back and forth in a coach hitched to a runaway team. She closed her eyes and tried to refocus on what she wanted to say.“That is, I hope you will forgive me for my outburst in the garden that day. I was upset when you accused my parents of planning the incident.”
“Miss Elizabeth, I —”
She held up a hand to stop him. He did not rush forward, but waited patiently for her to begin again.“Please, allow me to finish.” He nodded and motioned for her to continue.“However,” she halted, taking a moment to collect herself before going on,“I have been thinking over the last few days, and I can see that perhaps you were right. I hate to say it — even to think it. But I cannot deny the truth. It is not impossible. My mother might do even so horrible a thing, if it meant that one of her daughters could be well taken care of.” The words tasted like gall in her mouth. But once they were out, Elizabeth felt a weight lift off her shoulders. She hated to admit that her mother could have been a part of the incident, but now the worst had been said. She could look at her fears honestly, rather than hiding from the possibility and being consumed by what-ifs.
Mr Darcy looked as if he might fall off the settee. He sat back, thinking for a moment.“I see.”
Elizabeth hurried on.“That is not to say that I believe it is true — quite the contrary. However, I will acknowledge that it is a possibility.” Ever since Elizabeth could first remember, her mother’s sole focus had been to find worthy husbands for her five daughters, and to have them married as quickly as possible. It must have been a disappointment for her mother to have all five of her daughters still single, with Jane reaching the ripe age of twenty-two. In Mrs Bennet’s frantic concern, she might well believe her two eldest to be on the verge of becoming old maids.
