It was a dank, chilly evening and the house felt bleakly empty when she got home. She lit the fire to dispel the gloom and made herself a comforting supper of pasta with pesto, which she ate on the sofa in front of the fire. While part of her longed to have her sisters here to share the burden of her news, another part of her was glad she had the house to herself. She’d tell Aoife and Mimi tomorrow when they were all together. Right now she had a lot to think about and she wanted to get it straight in her head first.
Having a baby was a big deal. It was a huge responsibility and she knew her life would never be the same again. Butthough it was a big decision, it wasn’t a difficult one. Sive was a firm advocate of a woman’s right to choose, but personally she believed in going with the flow and taking life as it comes. And if that meant she was having a baby, so be it. She’d always seen herself having children at some point. She wanted to be a mother, to have a family of her own, and who was to say she’d be able to get pregnant at a time of her choosing?
Of course, the circumstances were far from ideal. It would be better if she and Ben were still together, if she had more money, if she was a little older, if her career were more established. But when had life ever been ideal? You didn’t need everything to be perfect in order to be happy. Ideally, she wouldn’t have been orphaned at thirteen years of age. But it had brought their little family unit closer, strengthening her and her sisters’ bonds with each other and with their Great-aunt Detta. They had each other, and life was good, despite losing their parents so young and not having much money. She could give her child a safe, comfortable home and a loving family. It would have all the things that mattered.
While she desperately wanted to tell her sisters, she was also nervous about their reaction. Aoife would probably blame herself for inadequate parenting. Mimi would blame Ben. She laughed to herself at the thought. If they were all still living in the house together, Mimi was the first person she’d tell. They were in the habit of running any misdemeanours or transgressions by each other before sharing them with Aoife. It wasn’t that they didn’t trust their older sister, but she’d done her best to be a mother to them when they were growing up, and they hated to let her down or disappoint her in any way.
As for Ben … how on earth was she going to break it to him? Just getting in touch with him was going to be awkward. Their break-up hadn’t been acrimonious, but it wasn’t as if they werestill friends either. They hadn’t been in contact since he’d moved to Lisbon – not since the night he’d told her it was over, in fact.
It was weird, someone who she’d been so close to since her schooldays simply not being in her life anymore. They used to talk to each other every day, even if it was just by text. She picked up her phone and pulled up their WhatsApp, thumbing through the long strings of messages going back years. She’d rarely deleted anything, so it was all there, their whole history in little snapshots – inane late-night conversations when they were only across the road from each other, arrangements for birthdays and nights out and weekends away, selfies and photos they’d shared in their chat.
There were longer newsy messages from Ben while he was travelling, telling her about his adventures in India, China, Nepal and Vietnam, and the people he’d met along the way. She smiled to herself as she read back his increasingly exasperated texts about a pair of cranky old English ladies who’d joined his trekking group in Nepal and had been the bane of his life – ‘obsessed with biscuits and weeing’ and constantly complaining about everything. He’d been guiltily relieved when one of them was struck down by altitude sickness and they’d both abandoned the trip early.
Sucked into the rabbit hole of nostalgia, Sive opened Instagram and pulled up Ben’s profile, thumbing back through his grid. Their history was all there too – nights out, graduation ceremonies, music festivals, weekend breaks, opening nights, New Year’s parties ... and then his feed switched to photos from his travels – endless expanses of lush green paddy fields and snow-capped mountains; Ben sitting around a campfire with a group of travellers, his face warmed by the glow of the flames; relaxing outside a teahouse in Nepal, his arms folded, face raised to the sun, long legs stretched out in front of him; a close-up ofhim slurping noodles at a market stall, his eyes shining into the camera. Sive wondered who had taken that.
There was a photo with the group he’d led on the Annapurna Circuit, Ben at the centre, looking rugged and handsome in his outdoorsy clothes and sturdy, well-worn walking boots. Sive peered at it, searching the faces and wondering if Anna Purna herself was there among them. But she’d been a mountain guide herself, so probably not.
It was odd that Sive didn’t even know what she looked like – the woman who was living with the father of her child, the man she’d thought she’d grow old with. Overcome by a wave of melancholy, she wiped tears from her eyes. She’d always thought she and Ben would have children together some day. But she’d never imagined it happening like this, with him living in another part of the world, with another woman. It was only a little over a month since they’d broken up, but she felt so remote from him already.
She opened their WhatsApp chat again, her fingers hovering over the keyboard. Ben should be the first to know – apart from her sisters, of course, but that went without saying. No one would expect her to keep it from them. She had to tell him as soon as possible. But how did you even start a conversation like that? It wasn’t the sort of thing you could put in a text message. Even a phone call didn’t seem right. Besides, she’d like to be looking him in the eye when she said it, so she could see how he really felt about it.
She’d have to find out when he’d next be in Dublin. She could text and ask him, but then he’d want to know what it was about, and she didn’t want to get into it on the phone. He’d probably come home for Christmas, but that was too far off. Maybe if she stalked his friends on social media she’d find some clues. Or she could arrange to bump into his mother on the street and ask her?
She sighed wearily. She’d think about that tomorrow. Right now she was ready for an early night and a few hours of escape from her racing thoughts.
11
The three sistersassembled early the next morning and had coffee together before tackling the attic. Sive was barely listening as Aoife and Mimi chatted, scrambling to find a way to tell them she was pregnant. She felt like a fraud sitting on such huge news while Aoife talked about the restaurant she and Jonathan had gone to last night and Mimi shared the latest gossip about the cast ofA Christmas Carol.
‘You’re very quiet,’ Mimi said to her. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes, fine. Just a bit tired. I haven’t been sleeping well the last few nights.’ Damn! That had been just the opening she needed. Why hadn’t she taken it? But she couldn’t bring herself to say it. It was too huge – or maybe it was that saying it out loud would make it real.
‘Oh, poor you.’
‘Any particular reason, or just random?’ Aoife asked.
‘Just random. You know sometimes when your mind starts spinning and you can’t switch it off?’
Aoife and Mimi nodded understandingly.
‘It’s a pity you weren’t at the pub last night,’ Mimi said to Sive. ‘I think Andrea’s setting her cap at Mitch, of all people.’
‘Mitch? But what about Nina?’ Mitch had been having a fling with the director ofPrivate Lives.
Mimi shrugged. ‘I guess it was just one of those things that only lasts the length of the run. So, show’s over – in every sense.’
‘Wow. Well, she’s not going to have much luck with Mitch. He can’t stand her any more than you can.’
‘No, but you know Andrea – she thinks everyone fancies her.’ Mimi took a sip of coffee. ‘Did Sive tell you about this triple date we’re going on on Sunday?’ she asked Aoife.
‘Yes, Jonathan and I are up for it.’
‘I booked us a slot for eleven,’ Sive said. ‘And it’s not a date.’
‘Sam tried to ask her out,’ Mimi told Aoife, ‘and she blew him off by inviting us all along.’
‘Oh no! Why? I thought you wanted to go out with Sam.’
