‘Not that.’ Mimi shook her head impatiently. ‘I mean this ice-skating expedition on Sunday.’
‘Oh, you don’t want to come?’
Mimi eyed her suspiciously. ‘I don’t know if you’re being deliberately obtuse, but I’m pretty sure that was Sam asking you on a date just now.’
‘You heard that?’ Sive sagged. ‘Was it obvious he meant just the two of us?’
‘Yes. I thought that was what you wanted.’
‘I’m not so sure anymore.’ Sive shrugged, feigning nonchalance. ‘Now that I’ve thought it through more, I think maybe it’s not such a good idea.’
‘Why not?’ Mimi frowned.
‘Because …’ This wasn’t the time or the place to tell Mimi the real reason she was pushing Sam away. ‘I don’t want to risk screwing up our friendship.’
‘Maybe it’s just too soon after Ben?’ Mimi said sympathetically.
‘Yeah, maybe.’
‘Poor Sam, though,’ Mimi said, glancing over at him. He was sitting beside Jack, their heads bent over Jack’s school book. ‘He looked pretty gutted.’
‘Do you think so?’ Sive was horrified at the thought of causing Sam any heartache. But it was for his own good. She was being cruel to be kind. She couldn’t start dating him now when he didn’t know what he was getting into. She didn’t even know herself, not for certain. And if it turned out shewaspregnant … then he probably wouldn’t want to be with her anyway. He’d be relieved nothing had happened between them and he wouldn’t have the dilemma of either dumping her because she was having a baby or sticking by her out of some misguided sense of honour.
The next day her time was up and she couldn’t put it off any longer. She bought a pregnancy test on the way to rehearsal, burying it in the bottom of her bag and trying to forget about it. Three hours later, she stood in a toilet cubicle during a break in rehearsal staring at two pink lines in utter disbelief. She’d thought of waiting until she got home to do the test, and now she wished she had. There was no way this news was going to help her concentrate on rehearsal for the rest of the day. Even though she’d thought she was prepared for this, it came as a shock and she realised she hadn’t been as sure of the result as she’d thought.
She couldn’t seem to move, staring dumbly at the test stick while her mind scrambled to make sense of what this would mean for her life, her career, for her and Sam … for her and Ben. She slumped down onto the toilet seat. How could she be having a baby? It was ridiculous. She was barely an adult herself.
Well, she couldn’t sit here spinning out for the rest of the day. She heaved herself up with a resigned sigh. She’d just have to put her worries aside and get on with rehearsal. She could freak out about this later when she got home.
She went back to the rehearsal room and tried to act as if nothing had changed. But she knew she was walking back into a whole new world, a tipsily altered reality. It was, in the words of Yeats, “all changed, changed utterly”.
Somehow, she got through the rest of the day on autopilot, and if she couldn’t fool herself, at least no one else seemed to notice anything amiss. She spoke her lines and danced with the company, joined in carols, flirted with Ebenezer and threw herself into all the jollity of the Fezziwiggs party with gay abandon – or what she hoped looked like gay abandon. For a few hours she was Belle Fezziwigg, young and in love, and definitely not pregnant.
Only when rehearsal was over did she allow her mind to drift back to those two fateful pink lines and what they meant.
‘Are you coming to the pub?’ Mimi asked her as everyone packed their bags and pulled on coats. ‘I’m just going for one.’
Sive shook her head. ‘I’m going to go home. I’m not feeling great, actually.’
Mimi eyed her with concern. ‘You do look a bit peaky.’
‘I’m just tired. I’m going to have an early night.’ She was desperate to get home and have some time alone to sort out her thoughts. Thankfully, Aoife was going out with Jonathan and staying over at his place, so she’d have the house to herself.
‘Well, let me know if you want to call off the attic clear-out. There’s no rush. We can do it any time.’
‘No, I’m sure I’ll be fine after a good night’s sleep.’
‘Okay. See you tomorrow, then.’ Mimi pulled her into a hug. ‘Sleep well.’
‘You’re not coming for a drink?’ She turned to find Sam behind her as Mimi headed for the door.
‘No, I have … something on tonight,’ she said. She knew that sounded like a brush-off, but she couldn’t think of an excuse quickly enough.
Sam looked disappointed, but he just nodded acceptance. ‘See you Sunday, then?’
‘Yeah, see you Sunday,’ Sive said distractedly as she packed her bag and gathered up her coat. Ice skating – could she even do that now? Would it be safe? What if she fell? She had a little laugh at herself for even thinking about it – ice skating was the least of her worries right now.
She pulled her coat tighter as she left the theatre. It was an old, elaborately embroidered Afghan of Detta’s and she took comfort in hugging it to herself, almost as if she had her great-aunt’s arms wrapped around her. Her mind was racing as she made her way home, scanning over everything she’d eaten or drunk in the last few days. There had been that glass of champagne at the party last week. Thank goodness she’d only had one because she was getting up early for the strike the next day. But maybe even one was too much. And there had been soft cheese in some of those canapes. That was another no-no, she knew. Could she have harmed the baby already?
