I suck in a wobbly breath. “Yes. I want—I want to feel him inside me.”
To his credit, Casey’s hair-stroking rhythm doesn’t falter at all.
“But I’m scared.”
“What of?”
“What if I hate it? What if it hurts?”
“I think—no, I know—that whatever happens, Auggie will take care of you. He’ll make your first time as special and enjoyable as he can.”
“And if I do hate it?”
“Then you’ll tell him, and he’ll be fine with it.”
I raise my eyebrows. “You’re sure?”
Casey laughs. “He offered to give up sex altogether for me. I’m sure, Em.”
I drop my eyebrows into a half frown. “How do I know I’m ready?”
This time Casey does falter. He rests his palm against my skull and strokes my shoulder instead. “I think that’s a question for Auggie to answer.”
I roll onto my back so I can look at him. “Probably, but you’re the one I want to talk to right now.”
“You need to trust what your heart is telling you.”
“It’s telling me to go for it. I want him to make love to me. My stomach quivers every time I think about it.”
“You can trust him. He’ll stop in a heartbeat if you need him to.”
I press my lips together and nod. I want to ask Casey if he’d stay with us. I would love to share the experience with him. Have him there to hold my hand and stroke me while Auggie makes love to me. But I won’t ask. I can’t, because there’s too high a chance he’d say yes. He’d move heaven and earth for me, even if it made him feel awkward and uncomfortable in the process. I won’t put him in that position. So fantasies of Casey being with me as I lose my virginity aside, I’m ready. Aren’t I?
“It’s a big deal. It’s not something I can take back. I’ll never have a first time again.” I flop my hand over my forehead. “Am I overthinking this? I’m overthinking this.”
Casey chuckles. “A little. But no one can tell you when you’re ready. You’re the only person who can make that decision.”
“Do you think everyone who wants to have sex thinks it’s a huge deal the first time?”
“Everyone is different. Some people will wait until they’ve found the one or until they’re married. Others will wait for the first person they fall in love with. Some will get it over and done with as soon as they can. Their experiences aren’t yours. You’re the only person living in your skin.”
I grimace as I recall one of the awful horror movies Auggie made us sit through. It involved— No. Never mind. I don’t want to think about it ever again. I understand what Casey means, and he’s right.
“I love him. I want to make love to him.”
“Then that’s your answer.” Casey’s voice is soft.
“Good talk.”
“You’re welcome.”
I reach up and cup his jaw. “I love you too.”
“I love you too. Do you want me to make myself scarce? The bed in the spare room is calling my name.”
My eyes widen. “Tonight?”
“Whenever you feel ready. Just let me know, okay?”
