Callan opens his fist completely and slaps his hand over his eyes. He groans. "Oh, God, you're right. I was grounded for a week."
"So was I. And my parents refused to give me pocket money for a month. They gave it to your mam instead so she could buy a new vase."
"I wish I could say we were more careful next time. But we kept on having pillow fights." His other hand has relaxed as well.
"I don't think we broke anything else."
"No, but we did have a few close calls." He sighs. "Fun times."
"They were."
Callan grips the edge of the bed. "Would it be so bad?"
My brow furrows. "I'm afraid you've lost me."
"Sorry. Me and my kangaroo brain. Would it be so bad if I got turned on again?" His cheeks flush bright red. He stares at the floor between his feet. I can see the tension in his jaw and shoulders.
I didn't think my heart could beat faster, but it does.
"Ignore me." He attempts to laugh, but the sound is rather feeble. "I'm thinking out loud."
"If it helps, you don't need to stop. I'm here to listen. Whatever you need to say. I won't judge you."
"I know. You never did. You were always my safe place. The person I could turn to no matter what. It's why I felt I could tell you about…about." He squeezes his eyes shut and hunches his shoulders as he shakes his head. "I knew you wouldn't blame me, even though I was blaming myself."
"It wasn't your fault." I clench my teeth. "None of it was your fault. He preyed on you. He manipulated you. He hurt you. But none of it was your fault."
"Everyone keeps saying that, but you're the only person I might be able to believe."
"It's true."
"He told me I had asked for it and wanted it because I’d flirted with him."
"You didn't."
"I know. But at the time, I believed every word he said. And I was so ashamed."
"I know." I put my hand on his shoulder, farthest away from me, and squeeze gently. "I'm sorry he ever came into your life. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. If I could’ve switched places with you to spare you the pain, I would have."
Callan shakes his head. "God, no. No. I wouldn't wish what he did to me on you. I couldn't bear the thought of that." He turns and rests his head against my shoulder. "You're my rock. I'm so glad you let me back into your life."
"I only wish you'd reached out to me sooner."
"Me too." He looks up. His eyes are red-rimmed, but there are no tears. He stares into my eyes again, and time stands still.
Although my heart was beating crazily a moment ago, now it seems to slow to almost nothing. It's like the world has stopped. Like it's not even spinning on its axis anymore. There's nothing but Callan and me and the sadness in his eyes.
"Thank you," he whispers.
"What for?"
"Being there for me. For not judging me. For introducing me to something new. As confusing as it was to get turned on, I can't say I didn't like it. And I definitely can't say that I didn't like that you gave me that reaction."
"What are you saying?"
He half shakes his head. "I don't know. I'm not sure I’m making any sense. I'm not sure I understand what's happening right now. I still feel weird, but it's a good sort of weird. All I know is you make me feel safe and that I want to be around you. You make me happy. You make things a little less confusing. I—"
I graze my knuckles over his cheek. His skin becomes red again, and his pupils shrink. I can't help but gaze into his emerald eyes. They're so beautiful. He's so beautiful. He's the first boy I loved. Probably the only person I've ever truly loved. But I don't tell him that for fear of destroying the moment.
