“You want me to go to the club?” Her eyes bug out.
I get it. I haven’t invited her there in months. Not with how things have been going. But I need a friend, and I’m not sure how many I have at the club anymore. I pushed a lot of people away. I don’t plan on building bridges today either, which means I’m about to burn a few more. And I think I might need some help in the getaway process when I do.
The bathroom door opens and Kooper walks out, pulling on the same shirt from yesterday. I would offer him one of the club’s tees I’ve stolen over the years. I make sure to get the extra large; they make comfy sleep shirts and loungewear, as they’re soft as hell, and when they’re that big, shorts aren’t needed. It hangs so low I can walk bare underneath if I want and none would be the wiser. But I don’tbecause I don’t live alone, and going without underwear feels weird.
“Leaving in ten.”
I stand, putting my empty coffee mug in the sink and my empty Gatorade bottle in the trash. “Nat’s coming.”
His back is to me as he bends over his phone. I see him tense before he looks at me over his shoulder, then at Nat. She’s biting her lip and holding her coffee as if she were about to sip it. Not sure if he sees the mess on the coffee table or not. He could have heard us, but I don’t think so. Kooper snoops to keep me safe, not to just be nosy. Or I hope not.
“Ten.” That’s all he says as he walks to my room.
Nat looks at me and nods. “Right. I’ll go get changed. You take a shower, and I’ll….” She looks at the coffee table and her nose wrinkles. “I’ll clean this. Think he’d be willing to stop on the way for breakfast?”
“He better. I’m close to dying if I don’t get a breakfast taco soon. With more bacon on it than what comes out of a pig.”
“Yuck. You’re gross.” She laughs at the thought but goes to get changed.
I head to my room, glancing at Kooper as he sits on my unmade bed and laces up his boots. An unmade bed with my panties hanging off one side and my pasties next to it. I look back at him and see he’s watching me take it all in.
I should make a joke about it. Something like how I expect him to clean up after or at least make the bed when he sleeps in it. But a single eyebrow raise lets me know he’s not in the mood for any smart comments right now.
So I turn and open my drawers, pulling out my normal clothes. Kooper might be bringing me in, but it’s on my terms. And in my way. No one will know anything is different. No one will see a girl who’s done with everything. Or someone confused about what last night meant.
No one will see the coward I’ve become as I tuck tail and go into the bathroom to shut everyone and everything out. They’ll see what they always see. What I make sure they see.
A woman who knows what she wants. Who takes no crap from anyone. Who’s untouchable. Who doesn’t cry. Who can stand on her own feet without a man, father or other, holding her hand.
That’s what they’ll see. I just have to hold that image for a little while. Just long enough to make them believe.
Just long enough for Kooper to not see under the mask. Seeing that while I was broken last night, he made me whole after. That being his, even with the drugs, having him call me something other than Ruby, was what I needed. What I’ll dream about later in the night when I sleep alone.
That my desire to be more than what I am now is just that. And I won’t look for it to be a reality. Even if it felt like that all night. Like I could be someone new. Someone strong and willing to break away from what I forced myself to be once I learned Dad wasn’t going to let me in the club. When Mom left me and Dad had to raise someone who wasn’t a boy, and he had to be soft when he wasn’t the soft type.
He could be caring and sweet, but he was never Mom. We both knew that. His love was more than tough love, but it wasn’t sweet like a mother’s. We made it work.
Till we didn’t. He doesn’t love me anymore. He doesn’tknowme. How can you love someone you don’t know?
They say he could regain his memory. And maybe one day he will. But till then, I don’t think I’m strong enough to love him for both of us. I’m not even strong enough to love myself right now.
Loving for two seems impossible.
As I wash away my fears, hopes of what I thought the future would be so many months ago, I feel small stings of pain from the soap on my skin. Parts of me where Kooper’s nail went a bit too deep. Where his teeth left a bit too much bite.
The pain recedes, and with it comes a thought. I don’t know if it’s from my head or my heart, but it’s there. That the pain is the past leaving. And the bruises? The scabs? They’re the start of something new.
Something new withsomeonenew.
Not new in my life, but new in my mind. New in my heart. Or maybe he was always there in some way before. I just didn’t know it till now. I never unlocked that type of pain before. Maybe I couldn’t. Perhaps releasing Dad and my past is what I need to move forward.
Or maybe I’m still so fucked up on drugs that I don’t know anything anymore.
“Two minutes, Ruby.” A bang on the door has me shutting off the water.
If it were Dad, I’d take my time. But it’s not. It’shim. Kooper. A man who shouldn’t be in my house, or in my bed. One who shouldn’t even be on my mind. And one whoespecially shouldn’t be leaving himself behind in small parts after cominginside me last night.
The thought of being pregnant is a passing scare. One I don’t think about more than a second. The mark on my underarm from my birth control reassures me enough not to worry about it. I got it a while back, and the doctors said it would make my life simpler. At the time, I was thinking about being regular, but I guess this is what they had more in mind. No fuss, no baby mess.
