“Mom what are you talking about, what are you trying to say? You don’t like that I’m not dating a guy? Or is it that I am datingwomen?”
“Well, this is certainly layered. There were only boys in high school so I just assumed– I mean, your generation has all these trendy names.” Her voice fell again and she dropped the sentence.
Maya couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Her mother, who had moved away from this small town and married a Black man, even though she knew what that would mean. “Pan isn’t atrendor something fleeting?—”
“I didn’t mean—” her mom began, but Maya kept going.
“There are some things that havealwaysexisted, but we didn’t have the vocabulary for them. Just because language has finally caught up and there are words to describe things doesn’t mean they’ve been forced into existence suddenly. Rocks don’t exist because man suddenly came up with a word for them.” Maya felt impatience slip into her tone. She couldn’t believe she was having to have this conversation now, with her mom, while Hanna was falling apart. She took a moment to be briefly thankful that they did have Lily, that they had the three of them, so someone would always be there for each of them.
“Hanna,” her mom began slowly, “I’m sorry, that isn’t what I meant. Look, I’m not upset; I’m just processing. Okay, so two women at once? Are you lonely? I know the divorce was a lot.” Maggie swallowed, “I was a lot.”
Her mother looked down then and Maya reached to gently grip one of her forearms. Her mom looked up with tears in her eyes.
“Mom, please listen to me carefully. I fell in love, okay?” Maya said clearly and calmly.
“When?” Maggie’s voice came out as a whisper.
“After last fall, we all kept in touch and hung out over winter break and spring break and, well, it just sort of happened. Okay? This didn’t come from something ugly, I am in love, it’s really beautiful. I need you to understand that.”
Her mom nodded and smiled weakly. “I just don’t want life to be any harder for you than it has to be. People won’t understand…I don’t even know if I understand.”
“Mom, I am a Black, queer woman in a country that loves to remind me it doesn’t care. Shouldn’t I be holding onto all of the love and positivity I can? Life is too short not to.” Maya gripped her mother’s forearm a little tighter. “I am in love, and I am loved, really loved, how is that something to be worried about?”
“I just want you to be ok,” her mother breathed, turning fully towards Maya and squeezing Maya’s hand.
“I will be, okay? I trust them, and I have you and Dad, right?”
“Yeah bug, of course you got us, we love you, I love you. I just need to process and adjust, okay?”
Maya smiled weakly and leaned in to hug her mother.
“How did you get to be so brave?” her mother said over her shoulder.
“I don’t know, how about you? Leaving this town, marrying Dad?”
Her mom weakly chuckled. “Well, look at how that worked out, trust me, I am not as brave as you. I wanna be you when I grow up.” They both laughed, even though Maya could see they both were crying.
38
LILY
“It’s going to be okay, no matter what, I promise.” Lily was not in the business of handing out promises she couldn’t keep, so it was a word she rarely used. But as she held Hanna close to her on the bed in the treehouse, she meant it. She knew she and Maya had her, that they all had each other.
Lily didn’t think Hanna was fully aware of all she had given Lily—Lily suspected Maya absolutely knew, but it was unreal how attuned she was to people’s feelings—and she wanted to give back to Hanna in this moment. “We got you,” she cooed as Hanna lay on her chest. She wasn’t sobbing, just crying and sniffling — still, it felt like progress to Lily.
After a moment Hanna said, “It’s strange, because I am relieved, is that weird?”
“No, everything you’re feeling right now is true and makes sense,” Lily said quietly, threading her fingers through Hanna’s hair.
“It honestly wasn’t as bad as I thought. Looks like the way to have a very traditional parent not care about your sexuality is to also reveal you’re dating two people,” Hanna quipped and Lilysnorted. “Do you think everything is okay with Maya?” Hanna added.
“I don’t know, I mean, it is taking her a while.” Lily fought the urge to text Maya. Hanna needed them, but she was starting to suspect that Maya was going to need them too. Maggie had behaved so oddly at dinner, first the hushed argument with her mom, and then her silence and detachment towards the end. When Hanna had come out and then they all revealed that they were dating each other, she hadn’t really reacted in any way that made sense to Lily. It’s like whatever was revealedaddedto whatever conflict was brewing inside of her. Her mom also never shared what she’d wanted to talk to her about. Another tense wave of emotion rolled through Lily. Here she was at the next chapter of something new and beautiful, and she was wracked by trepidation of what was old. In any case, she still had two weeks to put some of it to bed. Right now, Hanna needed her, and if Maya also did when she got back, she would be there for both of them.
Finally,Maya appeared at the door and slipped inside the treehouse. “Hey sorry, I uh, had a really rad conversation with my mom,” she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
Lily and Hanna were sitting up on the bed, each holding a cider. Lily had one arm around Hanna, and she motioned with her free hand for Maya to come join them.
“Going to need one of those first,” Maya said, taking off her shoes and heading over to the cooler. Lily watched her grab a cider and make her way into the room. She removed her pants and got in the bed with her bottle.
