“Oh no, here we go,” Lily started.
Hanna pursed her lips and set her jaw.“What?” she asked, sounding irritated, and this only ratcheted up Lily’s growing jealousy.
“Did you have an ‘experience’ in college? Some Renee Rapp girl intrigued you?” Lily said, all but rolling her eyes, trying to play off her intensifying emotion.
Hanna's face flushed. “Fuck you, you know bisexuality is a real thing, not just an ‘experience’.”
“I'm not saying it isn’t a real thing, just that?—”
“Just that what? I can’t be bi?”
“Well how do youknow?”Lily was growing impatient waiting for the answer she really wanted. She knew how she was coming off, but it was like she was possessed by the jealous ghost of her old high school crush.
“I mean she said it, she knows,” Maya said defensively.
Lily knew she sounded like an ass, but how a person knows whether or not they’re bi wasn’t really what she was after. What she wanted to know was thewho, what,and most importantly,when,of it all. So help her if Hanna discovered things withsomeone elseback in high school.But she had been with Jeff,Lily tried to soothe herself with reason.
“Lily, are you saying I can’t be bi? Because I have had enough bullshit from people trying to tell me I am not,” Hanna said, her annoyance (rightful,Lily was aware) picking up steam.
Lily took a deep breath and briefly reflected on how this was the second time today she had found herself in a conversation with Hanna where she was for sure in the wrong. “I am not saying that you can’t be bi, of course you can be bi, I’m just curious how you figured it out and when,” Lily said carefully.
Please don’t say with some other girl in high school.
“Like what her journey was like?” Maya asked.
“Yes, like I always knew since I was a kid, but I guess things were always going to be more visible for me because I’m only attracted to those who identify as women.”
Maya nodded and said, “Phew, I really thought we were going to have to have a ‘bi and pan people exist’ conversation.”
“Same,” Hanna said, but her voice was still cool. “I have had enough people ask me if I am sure or how I know? I mean, I have never hooked up with a woman, but not for lack of trying.” Her eyes dropped and she looked embarrassed.
“What?” Lily asked, first grossly relieved that another woman hadn’t gotten there first and then surprised because Hanna was asnack.
“I know what you mean,” Maya started, “it is really hard to date women if you are not 100% a lesbian.”
“Yeah! Like aside from this lingo everyone seems to know, or be practiced in, the few times I have clicked with a woman she’s weary of me using her for some kind of experience to satiate my curiosity or I’ve simply just been told, ‘I don’t do bi.’”
“Yeah, I’ve been there. And once guys know they think you’re automatically down for a threesome or some shit,” Maya said, turning to pull and hand out another round of ciders from the cooler.
“So fucked up! And so yeah, then you end up only dating guys and then every woman is like ‘Aha! Iknew it,you were always going to go back to men,’” Hanna said.
“As if you ever left them,” Maya was nodding, the two women animated by their shared frustration, “as if there’s this competition of what you like better. I like it all, you know? It depends on thepersonit’s all attached to.”
“People haven’t accepted bisexuality like ever, so I imagine being pan is just as hard.” Hanna and Maya both opened their new ciders and clinked their bottles together.
“Well,” Lily started, “that was certainly illuminating.”
Maya raised an eyebrow as she drank.
“Care to elaborate?” The bite was back in Hanna’s tone.
“No I mean, everything you both said was valid. I didn’t mean what I said in general but more so, like about you, Hanna.” As soon as Lily said it, she knew she’d said the wrong thing.
“And why me? I can know I like women without having been with one,” Hanna said.
“Yeah I mean but if you’ve always known,” Lily realized nothing was coming out of her mouth correctly. She could blame the cider, but it really was likely due to the reviving ghost of her unsatiated crush.
“Yes…” Hanna urged her on, as if daring her to say what she had to say next.
