I need to be alone. I feel like I’m being ripped apart, eaten alive. I still grieve the death of my dad, my mom kept secrets from me, my dog died today, and now, this. I can’t be around a guy I love but only see as a traitor now.
When I see that he won’t listen to my desperate pleas, I move behind him, and my hand connects with his chest lightly, and he trips out the door due to my slight push.
The door slams shut on his face before he can say anything else. But as I lean on the door and sink down onto the ground, I hear his fist pound on the wood.
“I fucking love you, Trin. I fucking love you. I’m nothing without you.”
I cry harder as he places his forehead against the door and cries. His deep sobs echo in the fresh night air.
I stay there until I hear him leave.
My body feels weak. I feel absolutely nothing as I walk slowly toward my bedroom. I end up grabbing a pillow and a blanket to sleep on the couch. Because everywhere I look in my room reminds me of him. As I glance straight ahead of me, my eyes burn with dryness. I can’t even seem to cry anymore. I’ve run out of tears.
I’m absolutely empty inside.
Absolutely shattered.
Who can live a happy life if they hate having to wake up and take on another day?
THIRTY-SIX
LEO
Iknew this would happen.
She slipped between my fingers, right when I just felt like I’d regained some of my happiness. I lost Trinity. The love of my life, the woman I saw myself marrying in the future, hates me. The way she looked at me would make Jesus cry. Betrayal, sadness, anger, confusion were mixed in her eyes.
I’m the devil to her. She’s convinced that everything was a lie—every touch I gave her, every word that left my mouth, every feeling I felt within. She’s so damn wrong.
Everything she said felt like a slap in my face, like soap in my mouth.
Everyone around me had told me to tell her, to reveal the truth, but I wasn’t able to. Her best friend took that away from me. I was too late for the words to come out of my mouth. Maybe if I’d told her myself, the end result wouldn’t have made me feel so fucking heartbroken. I wouldn’t have stayed on her front porch with my head pressed against the glass, crying because I knew I’d lost her.
I lost the one girl who had seen me for who I was. She’d heard my real laugh and seen me at my lowest. That’s all gone though. In the blink of an eye, the world swept her away from me. Leaving me cold and alone.
I lost my entire world.
She trusted me with her heart, and I broke it. Completely shattered it into a million pieces.
I stayed on her front porch for a while. I could feel her presence behind the door as I cried my heart out, maybe just hoping that she’d open the door like she usually did when I came over. She didn’t. I sat on the steps with my head in my hands and listened to my heartbeat. It was beating hella fast. I’m surprised I didn’t have a heart attack.
I get why she feels betrayed. Trinity finds it hard to open up to people and to be emotionally vulnerable. She put herself in a situation where she opened up her heart to me. Which ended up just reminding herself why she can’t trust anyone.
Because of people like me. I’m a liar.
I’m the villain in her story, but I used to be her hero.
It’s only been two hours, and I’m struggling without her. If someone could read my mind, they would laugh at me and wonder how a nineteen-year-old could love someone this deeply. And the truth is, anyone can love, no matter how old or young they are. Everyone loves. It’s just a matter of when you find your person.
I found mine.
But I broke her. She trusted me. I showed her I didn’t trust her to love me for me. She trusted me with her life. She cried to me, let me take her in ways she hadn’t let others. I experienced it all with her—the tears, happiness, passion, and comfort. She gave me everything, yet I gave her nothing.
Now, I’m just left with emptiness in my heart that I know only belongs to her. No matter who tries to fulfill it, it will always be sad and cruel without her. I keep myself from climbing through her window, from banging on her door until she’s forced to answer. I need her in my life. I will simply forever live in guilt if I don’t have her. I feel like I’ve let go of an angel on this earth without a fight.
But would I have forgiven her if she had hidden who she was to me? Probably not.
I would have probably thrown a tantrum and screamed at the top of my lungs.
