Chapter One
Am I in the right place?
Standing in front of the director for this production, I frown. This is my first time auditioning for a film, but I always imagined these kinds of things happening in bland offices and not in the middle of fully decorated sets.
Right now, the space I'm in has been set up to look like a studio apartment at Christmastime. There's a bed with crisp white sheets, stockings hung under the fake windowsill, which is also dusted with fake snow on the other side of the plexiglass panes, and a forest-like setting taped on the same surface, giving the illusion of a pretty setting beyond these flimsy walls. In the corner of the room, there's a beautiful Christmas tree, lit up with twinkling lights and glinting baubles. Then, just down the wall from that, there's a door.
A handful of people bustle around outside the scene's walls, but fewer than I would have imagined for a movie set.
Maybe their lead dropped out at the last second, I realize slowly. That would make sense as to why I'm auditioning on set like this.
Positioned between the bed and the camera, I cock my head. "Where's the script?"
"Script?"
I feel like such a noob. Shuffling my feet, I reply, "Yeah, you know...the words you want me to say when I'm on screen?"
The director, who introduced himself to me as Jake, seems equally confused. "We...uh...we don't do scripts here. You just go with what you feel and if it isn't working, we will stop filming and redirect."
That...is odd.
"Oh." I blink. "So...improv. Is there, like, a vibe you want me to go for...?"
He snorts and sets aside his clipboard, waving his hands in the air as he says, "Dude, when Santa knocks on the door, be cute. If you're really feeling it, maybe crack a joke about being naughty or nice or something before you blow him, I don't know. Just go with it."
Did...did he just say...?
"Sorry, did you just—"
"Go pick out a costume.” He cuts me off, sounding impatient now. He points over to a rack of clothing. "Anything from the rack grabbing your attention?"
Biting my lip, I meander across the small space and look over my options, then grin at the olden-timey long johns with the button-held butt-flap. It's made of red terry-toweling material, and it will probably be a bit snug, but it sings to my inner Boy. The woman who seems to be in charge of costumes, hair, and makeup (this must be a super low-budget project), pulls it from the rack.
"Let's get you into this now."
Wait. What? That's also kind of weird for an audition, isn't it?I open my mouth to question it, but she huffs and insists, "Now, please. We're burning daylight."
"Are we filming today?" I ask, tugging my socks and shoes off, hopping around on one foot and then the other. "My agent didn't mention—"
The woman gives me a strange look, the messy bun on her head wobbling almost precariously, like one vigorous nod might unravel the whole thing. "Yeah..." she replies slowly, then tilts her head. "What kind of shoots do you usually do?"
"Oh," I blush, "I've done a couple of ads, mostly print, but nothing like this." This is my first ever movie audition, and I am so excited for it, but I am trying to be professional.
Understanding seems to dawn over her. "Oh, you're a porn virgin," she says, then holds out the costume, "that explains a lot. Underwear off too, please."
Porn...virgin?Is that some kind of industry lingo I'm not familiar with?
Distracted, I get completely naked. "Sorry, what do you mean by—"
"He dressed yet?" the director snaps.
"Ten seconds," the costume lady calls back over her shoulder. She holds the onesie open for me to step into, seemingly unphased by my dick and balls being right in front of her. I guess she sees naked bodies all the time in her line of work. Nevertheless, I blush at her proximity.
"I don't...I don't even know my character's name," I admit, and she blinks in surprise.
"I don't think he really has a name."
Oh.My hopes sink a little. I thought I was auditioning for the romantic lead, but it must just be a side character. Swallowing roughly, I try to muster some cheer. "Well, that takes the pressure off."
