“Ran,” I said as Noor said, “Hid.” We told her about the church of lost causes, but she stopped us when we started to tell her about its catacombs access.
“No. You stayed in the church. You were frightened and exhausted, and you stayed there because you felt safe. Tosh, you did not want to return to Portland. Noor, you did not want to leave Tosh alone because you were worried that she might run away. Both of you spent three days hiding in the church arguing about what you should do. Finally, Noor, you convinced Tosh not to run away. Tosh, you were afraid your father would be angry with you, so you contacted me.”
I just stared at her. “Why are you helping us get our story straight? Why did you come to get us? Why are you giving us snacks? You should be calling the police and Dad. You shouldn’t be acting like this is normal and okay. We killed someone.”
“Do you want me to call the police?”
“No. But—”
“You killed a vampire. I cannot judge you for that. It is because of vampires that I lost my family.” She looked suddenly vulnerable, and I could see the girl she’d been twenty-five years ago, getting off the train in Paris alone, wondering what she’d do next, how she’d survive. “I know what it is like to run away because of vampires, to scratch a new life in a new place. I do not wish that for anyone, and certainly not for girls who were brave enough to hunt one down and battlehim to his death. You rid the city of a terror, and you proved the efficacy of three cures for this disease. You did nothing wrong—” I started to shake my head, and she reached out and took my hand. “Nothing. Do you understand me? When you became vampires, you were forced, against your wills, into a world of darkness and brutality. You could have become like your attacker, feeding on others. But you chose not to. You battled your worst selves, and you were clever and strong enough to defeat your attacker and cure yourselves. You prevented him from making more vampires.” She held my gaze until I nodded. “I am simply helping you understand how to tell your story so your innocence is obvious. If you do not wish me to do this, however, I will stop.”
I looked at Noor. “We did not choose what happened to us,” she said. “But we chose to become human again. I think that is important.”
Madame Dupuy nodded. “I agree.” Together, the three of us built a narrative that was simple, believable, and vampire-free. We didn’t have to be told that no one besides us could ever know what had happened in the catas. Then we practiced our story till Madame Dupuy was satisfied that it sounded true. “Now,” she told us, “it is time to call your parents.”
Chapter 25
Five Weeks Ago
Why?
That was the question everyone asked—Dad, Noor’s parents, the police (multiple times in multiple lie-spotting configurations).Why did you run away, Tosh? Why did you girls go out into the night when you knew it was dangerous?Why did you spend three days in an old church without telling anyone where you were?We stuck to the script.I was angry. I wasn’t thinking straight. I didn’t want to leave Paris. Noor was trying to convince me not to run away. She was worried something would happen to me if she left me alone.I cried when the police officers asked if I’d thought about how much I’d hurt my father.Yes, I thought about it a lot. It was stupid and thoughtless and I regret it so, so much.
I apologized to Dad, again, as we waited for the Métro. He was gray with fatigue and stress. “Why, Tosh?”
“I’m sorry I hurt you, but you hurt me, too, Dad.”
“I was trying to keep you safe.”
“You isolated me. You locked me up in the apartment, you forbade me to see my friends, you ignored my words when I couldn’t talk, and now you’re taking Paris away from me. Every time you try to keep me safe, you take something important away—my autonomy, my friends, my voice, my new home. It’s not my fault Le Bec’s a predator, but you’re punishing me for being attacked.”
“Itisyour fault. You should have been more careful. You have no idea how dangerous it is out there.”
I reached up and tore the bandage off my neck. “Yes, I do.” The few early-morning passengers stared at us. “I will bear this reminder of the worst night of my life for as long as I live. I will remember how terrified I was, and I will remember how much he enjoyed my terror. If I let my fear decide where I live, what I do, who my friends are, or where I go, it’s like reliving that night forever. I don’t want to live a fear-based life. And I don’t deserve to be punished because you’re scared of what could happen to me.”
“You aren’t being realistic. There will always be bad people out there, and you need to learn to be careful. I’d think your attack would have taught you that.”
“You keep saying predators are unavoidable, but you never say they’re unacceptable.” The train pulled in, and we got on. We had our pick of seats this early.
He huffed, exasperated. “What do you want me to do? As much as I want to, I can’t stop them. You need to do the work here. I can’t protect you all the time, so you need to be careful to stay safe.”
I rubbed my eyes. I was so tired I could barely focus, and Ididn’t want to have this argument right now, on no sleep and after what Noor and I had been through. But I needed him to hear me. “You can say, ‘That’s not okay,’ when you hear someone say creepy things. You can say, ‘I believe you,’ when someone tells you what happened to them. You can make it a little less easy for predators to exist. You can keep doing it even if it feels awkward. You can set an example so that other people feel empowered to do it, too.”
He sat with that for a minute, looking upset. No, not upset, I realized: uncomfortable. “Okay,” he finally said. “I’ll try. But I’m your father. I can’t stop protecting you; it’s my job. And you put me through hell, Tosh. For three days, I imagined the worst possible things—and I couldn’t do anything to save you.” His voice broke.
He was so distressed, and I wanted to feel sympathy, but instead I seethed with resentment. Noor and I had chosen to save ourselves, and we beat Le Bec because we worked together to overcome him. We didn’t need Dad to step in and save us. “Did you ever imagine a good outcome, Dad?” I asked, trying to keep the aggravation out of my voice. “Did you ever think,I raised a smart, resourceful person, and I can trust her touse her skills if she gets into a bad situation? Because that’s what actually happened. Noor and I kept each other safe.”
He looked at me—really looked at me. “I guess—yes. But it’s hard to not be scared for you.”
I was too exhausted to tell him he was still missing my point. I just said, “I know you love me, Dad. I just wish you knew what it was like to live in my skin.”
Neither of us spoke the rest of the way home. When wegot back to the apartment, Dad looked at his watch and sighed. “I’m going to try to catch a couple of hours’ sleep before I have to go to work.”
“Okay.” I turned toward my room. I planned to sleep for a solid week.
“You know,” he said, “when I saw you in the hospital after you’d been attacked, that brought it all back—the black time when your mom was sick and I couldn’t help her. I had to watch her fade away, and I felt so powerless. Then I almost lost you. I don’t think I could have survived that.”
“You didn’t lose me, Dad.”
