“What is it, Nicki? Did something happen?” she demanded, rushing over to wrap her arms around me.
“I— no, I, it’s—” I started sobbing in earnest as I felt the warmth of her arms surround me. I really didn’t know what I’d done to earn a friend like Vivian. I finally gasped, “…I saw Kaine.”
“Oh, shit…” she murmured, glancing up and down the street. The road wasn’t busy, but it also wasn’t someplace she could leave her car indefinitely. “Okay, let’s rack your bike, and we can go talk.”
I sniffed and nodded. Vivian had insisted on purchasing a bike rack for her car. She’d claimed it was “Just in case…”, which had become almost daily. Most days, Viv would let me bike to or from work, but almost never did she let me do both. I appreciated it, especially getting picked up at the end of a long shift.
We drove for a while in silence. After we pulled into our parking space at the apartment building, she turned off the car and turned around to look at me.
“Okay, Nicki, spill. Tell me what happened,” she ordered.
I told her about Kaine and Lee coming into the restaurant, barely managing to hold it together as I did so. I even told her about seeing Kaine a few days prior at the university.
“I don’t understand why you didn’t tell him,” she said, after I finally got it all out.
I’d never told Vivian about my deal with my father. I couldn’t. I was too ashamed for participating in my own abuse. I didn’t deserve the sympathy of her, or her family. I didn’t deserveanyone’ssympathy. I’d known what I was getting into with my dad, and it was my own fault for not doing anything to stop it. Or him.
I especially didn’t deserve anything from Kaine, not after the way I had ended things with him. There were so many times that I could have told him about my dad, could have told him what was really going on, and I knew he would have moved heaven and earth to help me, but I hadn’t. Why? Because I knew we didn’t have a future together. I was going to die.
I had never told him I was positive, or that my mom had been as well. Hell, I didn’t even know if he knew my parents had gotten divorced. Or that my mom was dead. I thought back to the times when we were younger and had wished his moms could have adopted me and choked back a feeling of guilt. My mom was dead now, and my father was dead to me. Being a part of the Devereaux family couldn’t have been a more remote possibility.
As I thought about all the things Kaine didn’t know about me, I remembered Lee’s angry glare. I’d have to tell Kaine at least part of the truth. If I didn’t do it, his brother would.
“I— I just couldn’t, Viv,” I said, swallowing back a sob. “Not after I…” I cleared my throat and continued. “…not after the way I broke up with him. And— and everything I said…”
“Oh, Nicki! Sweetie, I don’t know what happened, exactly, but I canguessyour dad was behind it,” she said, her eyes catching mine. “He’s a vindictive son of a bitch.”
I sighed. I should have known she would figure it out on her own.
“It’s just… so much time has passed. He’s going to want to know why I didn’t call. Why I didn’t tell him…” I began.
“Makes sense,” she said. “That’s what I would want to know.”
“…He doesn’t know I’m positive,” I whispered.
“Then you have to tell him,” she said firmly.
“I can’t! I can’t— can’t risk him. He’ll want to know what happened, and why. He’ll want to know why I didn’t—couldn’t—tell him,” I said. “And God, what if he wants to try again? I can’t risk his life!”
“Nicki, I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to know it is said with all manner of love in my heart,” she began. “You are normally one of the bravest people I know. But lately, and especially right now, you’re being a whiny bitch.”
“Wait…What?” I exclaimed in shock, reeling at the attack from such an unexpected quarter.
“You are being a whiny bitch, and you need to knock it the fuck off.Yes, you won the lottery for worst father in the world, and for that I am so sorry! You’ve had a shitty life and it’s even more shitty that you have this illness to deal with. It makes my heart ache just to think of everything you’ve gone through,” she said, reaching out and grasping my hand tightly, forcing me to look into her eyes. “But that is in the past. It’s over.Done. Your dad can’t hurt you anymore. He doesn’t know where you are. Your illness is treatable. You have a job. You have people who love you. You need to start living your life foryou. Not for your mom. Not your dad. Not even for Kaine.You.
“In order to start doing that, you need to take a chance on Kaine. If he has half a brain and is a quarter of the man you’ve told me he is, he’s going to want to try again, and you need to talk to him.”
I looked into her eyes, so different from my mother’s, but the words sounding like something Mom could have said.
“I’m afraid, Viv,” I said finally.
“I know, baby,” she answered. “You can’tbebrave without fear.”
Resolve settled in my stomach. I had to tell Kaine the truth. The whole truth. If I didn’t, someone else would.
“Viv,” I said. “I need to use your car…”
10
