Even though all I could see was the top of his eyelashes as he nestled under my arm, I knew he was watching me, and I knew I had to respond.
“You could try being yourself,” I suggested. My tone was joking, but I was dead serious.
“I don’t know if you’re ready for that…” he replied, smiling at first, then pursing his lips. “Let’s imagine something. Let’s imagine this is the real me. What if it’s true, and what if the rest of the time, I was just trying to deceive myself and everyone else? It’s funny, it makes me feel bad, because I think about my brother, how I’ve talked down to him and criticized him his whole life. Now look at me, I’m basically just like him.”
“Jack, you’re nothing like him,” I said, shaking my head. “Don’t say that. You may have your ups and downs, but you’re incredible, and you always have been. I’m not letting you off the hook for being mean to me, but I can’t act like I’ve always been perfect either.”
Jack hesitated. “You are, though.”
“Trust me, I’m not. And I don’t want you to judge me, so I’m not about to tell you to judge yourself.”
For a long time, we didn’t say anything. Jack looked devastated. Sad—no, more than sad. I’d seen him sad before, but this was something else. Lost. Vulnerable. Fragile.
“Jen, the nasty stuff I’ve said to you since you’ve been back… None of it was true, OK? I feel bad about it all, I’ve been awful, I know, it’s just that I guess I wanted you to feel some of what I’ve felt since you left.”
“Is that still true?”
“No,” he fired back immediately. “All I want is to see you, every single day. Don’t go again, Jen.”
That shook me a bit. I knew he was being sincere, but he stank of alcohol, his pupils were dilated, and I couldn’t be sure those feelings would still be there when he came out of whatever state he was in.
“I’ll tell you what,” I said. “If you say those same words again when you’re sober, I won’t go. But I think this is enough deep conversation for one night. We should get you into some pajamas.”
He looked down at his clothing and chuckled. “You want to strip me naked so fast? Come on, Mushu, have a little decency.”
Oh no. Not Mushu again.
“Yeah, on second thought, maybe it’s best if you do it on your own,” I told him.
“Sorry, cancel everything I just said.”
I went into his dresser and took out a pair of cotton pants and a T-shirt, and he stood up and tried to put them on. He started stumbling around—I don’t know if he was serious or just acting stupid—and said he needed me to lend him a hand so he wouldn’t fall over.
“Liar,” I chided him, but I went along with it. I successfully forced myself to look away as he was changing his pants. But when he took off his shirt, I couldn’t hold back any longer. And what I saw made my jaw drop.
“What the…?” My voice must have risen ten decibels when I saw the inky black silhouette of a buck with immense horns taking up the entirety of his chest. “Since when do you have that?”
Jack blinked, almost as if he didn’t know what I was talking about. Then, when it dawned on him, he said, “Oh, this? I lost a bet.”
“Jack!”
“What? I was drunk in Paris and I had a couple hundred euros in my pocket. What do you want from me?”
I had to stop myself from reaching out and touching it. It was beautiful, I admit, but it was somehow disappointing. And yet, why did I care? It wasn’t my problem. It was his money, his decision, and I guess there were worse things he could spend it on.
“Don’t you like it?” he asked.
“It’s nice, but, uh, it’s a little big, no?”
“You can do like last time and get a smaller version on your shoulder or something,” he responded, and I jabbed my finger into his shoulder and knocked him back on the couch. He put up no resistance, just stretching out and waiting for me to cover him with a blanket. When he was all tucked in and comfortable, he smiled like an angel.
“Try and get some rest,” I told him. “And if you need anything, you know where I am.”
I turned, but he grabbed my wrist. “You know, I’ll bet I’d sleep a lot better if someone kept me a little company,” he whimpered. “I’m vewy vewy afwaid of de dark.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll send Sue right in.”
“Nah, you’ll do.”
