“Jack, you know the answer,” I said.
“Do I, though? Because every time I’m with you, I feel like you’re more of a stranger to me.”
“I could say the same to you.”
“I was always honest with you, Jen.”
“So was I, Ross.”
“Really? Even that day you tried to run off without saying goodbye?”
He was right. I had hurt him, I couldn’t deny it, and that frustrated me. But instead of understanding, I counterattacked. “What about you? Don’t sit here and tell me you didn’t have any secrets when we were together.”
“I never lied to you, Jen. Never. Not once in all those three months.”
“Maybe you didn’t lie, but you sure as hell weren’t honest. How much stuff did you keep hidden from me? You might as well tell me now, because it’s not going to get any worse!”
“Whatever I hid,” he said, “I’m glad now, seeing where we’re at. And anyway, since when was it my obligation to tell you every single thing I’ve ever done?”
“I want to know you, Jack! I want to understand you! I always did, and you’d never let me!”
“What would you have done with whatever I told you? Used it to hurt me? Run out on me anyway?”
“I don’t know, Jack, but at least you could have tried! You could have tried to give it your all, the way I did from the beginning! I tried to make you happy, I tried to let you in. You never had the decency to return the favor.”
“My life’s not your fucking business!” he shouted.
“Not anymore, I guess.” I pushed him. “But it is your problem. And you’re destroying yourself. After all I did, after how much it hurt me to leave, just so you could go to France and live your dreams… And what was the point?”
“What do you mean, how much it hurt you? You didn’t have to go! I wanted you here, and you turned around and walked away.”
“What do you care?” I asked. “You had the opportunity of a lifetime,and you wanted to blow it, and the only thing I did was try to make sure that wouldn’t happen…”
“Don’t start in about Paris. You don’t know a damn thing about that, and it has nothing to do with you standing in my way all the time now, when I’m just trying to live my life…”
“This isn’t you, though, Jack.”
“What the hell do you know about who I am? Nothing! It’s been a year since you left me. I’ve changed!”
“I do know you. Maybe I don’t know every single thing about you, but you’re not this, I’m sure of it. You’re not an asshole, a drunk, a drug addict, someone who’s just fighting with the world for no reason.”
He grabbed my wrists and pulled me so close to him I almost fell into his lap. “Oh yeah? Who am I then?”
I didn’t try to get away. I didn’t mind that he was touching me. I was tired, I wanted to break down in tears, but I had to try to reach him somehow. “You’re good,” I said softly. “You’re a good person, Jack.”
I felt his fingers squeezing my wrists, and he didn’t seem angry anymore, just expectant, as if he needed to hear what I had to say. I wanted to take it back. I was scared to say everything I was thinking. I had a knot in my throat and was worried I’d break down in tears. But it was too late to give up now, so I gathered my strength and let it all out: “Jack, you’re funny, you’re disgustingly charming, you say three words and you make the whole world adore you. You’re a guy who loves movies and junk food and superheroes. You do everything for everyone, even if you pretend to hate it. You’re my Jack, my errand boy. I can see you behind that mask. I know you don’t want to take it off, because you’re scared of getting hurt, but I also know one day you will.”
I wriggled away from his grasp and held his hands, as he remained attentive to my words. “I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. I wish I could go back. I know things were hard for you after I did what I did. And I knowit’s my fault. All of it. But you’re not this person, and you don’t need to be. You’re still the same guy I met a year ago.”
He looked up at me, and I wasn’t sure what I saw in his eyes. Torment? Anguish? Confusion? I squeezed his hands, and he flinched. It was as though the spell was broken, and he reacted with fury.
“The guy you knew a year ago…he disappeared, thanks to you.”
I shook my head. I thought for a moment I’d been doing things right. But now it seemed I’d made it all worse.
“I’m sorry…”
“Stop apologizing! I don’t want your apologies! Why did you even come back? Did you think it was going to be nice and happy? That we’d have a beautiful second chapter and I’d drop everything and come back to you? Do you honestly think I would fall for the same fairy tale twice?”
