He closed the door behind him and looked around. I think he was trying to find something he could joke about to break the ice, but when that didn’t work, he smiled innocently and began, “About what you said…”
“Do you really want to get into that again?” I asked.
“Not really, but… I just wanted to say…you’re not all wrong. But also, I don’t think your degree is a waste of time. I’m sure no one else does, either. It’s admirable that you’ve stuck it out, we all respect what you’re doing. And the same goes for painting. I realize I was a dick about that. I didn’t mean to be, I just say stupid shit sometimes.”
He was bouncing back and forth from his heels to his tiptoes, intimidated, which wasn’t the way I was used to seeing him. He crossed his arms. “I know you’re waiting for me to say something, but I don’t know what.”
“You do, though,” I said. “Of course you do.”
He looked up at the ceiling. It was clearly painful for him to say those magic words. But when he realized he had no choice, he sighed with resignation. “I’m sorry.”
A smirk crossed my face, and I looked back down at my notes.
“Aren’t you going to say something?” he asked.
“I’m busy.”
He grumbled and started to walk out. Before he made it, I called out, “Jack?”
He looked back, curious.
“Were you really going to relapse?” I asked.
He hesitated. “For a minute, maybe. But then I stopped. I realized right away that I had a lot more to lose than I did to gain… Now keep hitting the books. I’ll let you know when dinner’s ready.”
23
Beginnings, Endings
I didn’t know what it was like to watch a person grow up. With Owen, because he didn’t live with us, I didn’t follow the process slowly. Certainly not enough to understand how the people around them could affect a young person’s life.
Jane had been with us for a few months now, and she no longer cried the way she used to. She was more manageable, and it was easier to figure out what she liked. My white blouse with the big buttons, which she always tugged at every time I wore it. The music Jack put on, which always made her bounce her head back and forth and gurgle in a way we thought meantmore, more,until she finally got too tired and Will had to put her to bed. Sue said she didn’t care for her much, and I had the feeling it was mutual: she frowned when she had to hold the baby, and Jane would scream and wriggle every time Naya tried to hand her off to her. Mike was Jane’s favorite: if he was around she’d stop crying, would eat the foods she normally spit up on her shirt, and would fall asleep no matter how agitated she had been. Whenever Will and Naya couldn’t take her wailing anymore, they’d turn to Mike. He was resistant at first, but soon he was every bit as crazy about Jane as she was about him.
The nightmare began not long after her first birthday, when she startedwalking on her own. She’d turn up out of nowhere, grab whatever was at hand, hide things in her parents’ bedroom or give them to Mike… She was funny, too, though. She loved multicolored clothes, she loved having her hair put up in pigtails, she liked these ugly, fluorescent bracelets, and she liked her mother putting makeup on her. They had the same green eyes, and Naya was proud that her daughter took after her.
When Jane started talking, she didn’t seem to know whomamaandpapawere and would use those names with whoever was holding her. Fortunately, Naya and Will didn’t care. She also saidyes,no,bye-bye, andpoo-poo. This last one was Jack’s fault, and it was her go-to word when she didn’t like something. When she was mad, she would scream it over and over as she crawled off and hid under one of the beds.
She and I eventually got along. When she first arrived in the world, I was so busy studying that I barely had time for her. I had to start my last year of school; Jack was traveling all the time. Will was working, Sue was looking for work, things were hard all around. But if I ever had a bit of free time, I’d take her to the bedroom to paint, and that opened up a new world for her. She’d see me and start shoutingPay! Pay!That was her way of sayingpaint. She loved nothing more than covering her palms with the stuff and stamping them on paper. Before too long, she learned how to hold a brush.
We were at that one day when Jack came to the door to announce it was time to eat.
“Shh!” I joked. “Can’t you see the artist is at work?”
Jack smiled, walked in, and scooped her up. She shrieked when she had to put the brush down but started laughing when Jack tossed her up and down in the air. As he placed her on his shoulders, she waved at me and said, “Bye-bye!”
I put everything away, fixed my hair, changed into a different T-shirt, and went to the living room. Since we had a baby in the house, we didn’teat as much junk food anymore. Well—most of us didn’t. Jack and Mike were far from grown-up in that regard and showed no interest in the cutlets and salad Naya had made that night.
“What do you guys want to watch?” Will asked. “A movie, a series…?”
“How about a reality show?” I asked.
“How about I kill myself?” Jack responded.
I stuck out my tongue at him. I hoped Naya would take my side, but she was too busy trying to get Jane to eat. Mike said, “Series,” Jack said, “Movie,” and we all looked over at Sue for the tiebreaker.
When she pushed her food around her plate instead of saying anything, Will said, “Everything all right there, Sue?”
She looked up, crestfallen, and announced, “I found a job.”
