I could have gone to the bedroom, but of course I didn’t feel like it. Everything there reminded me of Jack, and the thought of Jack reminded me that I had a very unpleasant conversation in store for me. With the TV on, I could hardly concentrate, and I thought Mike and Sue should have the decency to turn it down. But they were locked in one of their usual spats. They started throwing pillows at one another, and one of them missed and scattered my notes. Jane grabbed one of my sheets of paper, crumpled it, and stuffed it into her mouth. As I was picking my stuff back up, I growled, and everybody realized I was at my limit. They fell silent, and I inhaled and exhaled three times, trying to regain control of myself. I was stomping around, gathering my papers and trying to get them in order, when Jack walked in, still wearing the same clothes he’d had on the night before. Worst of all, Vivian was with him.
I hadn’t seen her since our less-than-pleasant encounter at the airport. She smiled, but I knew how sincere her smiles were. Since I’d told myself I’d try to play nice, I managed to muster an expression that wasn’t quitedisgust. Jack looked irritated as he glanced back at her. “OK, I’m home,” he said, “you can leave now. I told you I didn’t want you to come up.”
“Well, I’m here now, and you can’t kick me out,” she said.
Jack turned to me. “What’s your problem?” he asked. “You didn’t call me, you didn’t send me a single text. I could have died and you wouldn’t even know.”
It was true. I’d thought he needed his space, and plus I had studying to do.
“He didn’t die,” Vivian said. “He was with me. Luckily.”
She reached into her purse, pulled something out, and tossed it on the coffee table. It was a bag of cocaine. Jack went pale. Jane started crying from the noise, and Naya tried to calm her down. All I could do was stare.
“I was having a party,” Vivian informed us, “and he showed up, and I caught him buying that.”
“I didn’t take any of it!” Jack rushed to say.
“But you bought it! And once again, it’s because you’re upset over Jenna! I told you if you got back with her, you’d fall into the same trap, Ross. I know you, and I don’t like to be right, but…”
The unmistakable sound of paper tearing made everyone stop and turn. My notes, my precious notes—in a rage, I was tearing them to shreds. My fists were shaking as I began screaming, “I. CAN’T. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE. I’m sick of this shit!”
“Not in front of the baby!” Will chastised me.
“To hell with the baby! You think the baby knows what a swear word is? You think a creature that can’t do anything but eat, sleep, and piss in a diaper is really worried about hearing a bad word? You think awordmatters to that baby more than the fact that every single person in this house is fucking insane? That’s right, I said everyone! I can’t take it with your petty dramas any longer!”
I’d never lost it like that, but it did something for me—I felt like a newperson! My heart was pounding as all the exasperation of months flowed out of me.
“You don’t have to be like that,” Naya said.
“Oh, I don’t!” I turned toward her. “Who are you to tell me that? You haven’t stopped bitching for one second since Sue and I found you crying in the bathroom! If it’s not the baby, it’s Will, if it’s not Will, it’s us, if it’s not us, it’s how you’ve chipped a nail, if it’s not your nails, it’s your goddamn cooking! Nothing is ever good enough for you! You whine about literally everything! Do you not notice that everyone else here gets by just fine without needing to be reassured every two seconds? Maybe you should try comforting someone else for a change instead of constantly crying for everybody to come comfort you!”
Hearing a throaty giggle, I turned to Sue, who pretended that she had been coughing. Too late. Now she had a target on her head.
“Something funny, Sue?” I hissed. “Because if I’m being honest with you, I’m over you never taking seriously any of the seventy million problems we have in this apartment. You sit there in your chair like a queen and act like you’re so much better than us, like none of the things that bother us matter, and that gives you the right to laugh everything off. Well, I’m sorry to bring you back down to earth, but you’re no better than anyone else here. Being nasty doesn’t make you smarter than the rest of us, it’s just that you’re too weird to have friends of your own, so you don’t know what it means to worry about other people or care about them or get upset for them. I don’t know if it’s because you’re scared of getting hurt or what kind of complex you’ve got that you can’t just open up, but you can get one thing through your head right now: you’re just as crazy as everyone else in here.”
Mike had frozen, as though praying that if he played dead, he might be immune to the onslaught. But it didn’t work. He was my next victim, and I was far from finished.
“And you…kissing me! Seriously! Because if there is one thing you have got to know: Never, Mike, never in a million years would I ever dream of hooking up with you! And even if I would, are you really that much of a creep? Do you not have one ounce of respect for your brother? What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you such a loser that the only way you can feel good is to bring everyone down to your level? Has it ever once crossed your mind to try, I don’t know, being a better person? What about telling your brother you’re sorry for constantly mooching, constantly putting him down in subtle ways, constantly treating whatever’s his like it’s yours? You piss and moan all the time about how nobody loves you. Maybe you could try to make yourself worthy of being loved!”
I was hyperventilating by now. But I wasn’t done. I picked up the bag of cocaine and threw it back at Vivian. Surprised, she caught it in midair.
“As for you, don’t even get me started,” I said. “Jack’s best friend—didn’t you call yourself that? You’re supposed to be his best friend, and there you are rubbing your hands together with malicious joy at the thought that he might relapse. Because that would give you the chance to talk more garbage about me and tell Jack once again how I left him in the lurch and how I’m such a bad influence. Let me tell you something: I might have screwed up, but I’ve always treated Jack like an adult, while you’re running around in the background mommying him, picking up his phone and not telling him I’ve called, secretly trying to keep him away from his friends like he’ll relapse if he has to come in contact with reality. And then, when he’s at his lowest, you what? Go to bed with him! I may not know you, but I can see where you’re coming from, and that’s been true from the first time I met you. I tried to keep a good attitude about you for Jack’s sake, but that’s over. You may think I’m some dumb small-town girl, but I’ve seen right through you from the beginning. And it’s past time you stopped judging others and took a look at yourself.”
I was almost done. I only had one left. I took a deep breath before turning to Jack. He had entered in a huff. Now he was cowed, waiting for his turn. I think I even saw him shrink back when I looked at him, just before he sat down and defended himself: “Don’t start in on me! I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“Oh, you don’t think disappearing the entire night is doing anything wrong? Or running away any time things get uncomfortable? Or expecting me to always go chasing you down? Has it ever occurred to you that facing your problems might help actually solve them, so you won’t have to drag them around forever? When it comes to other people, you’re perfectly happy throwing their mistakes in their face, but I guess since you had a hard childhood, you’re not responsible for anything you do. Look, I admit it: I left, I had secrets. Fine, well you had secrets, too. So I didn’t tell you Mike kissed me. I’m sorry, but I tried! And then when the truth came out, you ran away before I could apologize, and who did you run to but Vivian, to a party where you knew you might relapse. Is that what you wanted? To fall down a black hole and have everyone worried and asking once again,Oh, no, what are we going to do about poor Jack?Well, sorry, but it’s time to grow up and cut that shit out. So the next time you’re upset, just come out and say it. Because I can’t deal with this circus every time one of us makes a mistake. It was cute at first, but I’m over it.”
By that point, I could barely breathe. No one dared to talk to me but Sue, who said, “You’re a little—”
I cut her off. “I’m a little over it. You’re right. I wanted one thing tonight: to look over my notes in peace so I wouldn’t bomb another fucking test. So even if everyone here seems to think I’m wasting my time, or that school is something I just do for fun and my grades don’t matter, please, let me get on with it.”
I picked up the scraps of paper. The ones I’d torn, the ones Mike hadstepped on, the ones Jane had put in her mouth. When I had them in a pile, I stomped off down the hall, turning back once to say, “All of you need to get your heads examined.”
I was grateful that no one stopped me, and even after I shut the door, there was a long silence. When they did start talking again, I shut them out. I had work to do. I opened up my laptop and transcribed everything. At least that way, I wouldn’t have to worry about a baby drooling over all my hard work.
Hours must have passed by the time Jack knocked on the door and walked in. He was cautious. Whatever mission he thought he was on when he first arrived at the apartment, he had better ideas now.
“Hey,” he said.
