And there was his usual not-so-subtle reminder that I shouldn’t feel guilty. I’d given himsomedetails about what happened, and even though I was vague, I didn’t understand how he could look at me and still claim that I wasn’t to blame insomeway.
“You need tostopsaying that.” My tone came out sharper than intended, causing Maverick to stir at my feet and sit up. He looked at me, inching as close as possible before resting his head on my thigh. I blew out a slow breath, reaching out to scratch behind his ear.
“I’m not going to stop reminding you that what happened wasn’t your fault, Blake,” Nate said gently. He took no offense to my sharp tone. “Guilt is powerful. It can consume you if you let it. You have to realize you couldn’t have prevented what happened. It was out of your control.”
I wasn’t sure I’d ever be in a place to believe that. Because as far as I was concerned, it wasn’t true.
My next few shifts at work didn’t get much better than the ones before. The lack of sleep, paired with everything else, was starting to fuck with my head.
It was Wednesday, and Haley was the charge nurse that shift. I was charting in the physician’s area when I heard her call out that an ambulance was en route. The patient was critical—an MVA involving an ATV.
Haley quickly prepared the bed and gathered supplies. I walked out, planning to take the patient when the ambulance bay doors slid open.
I saw the patient—his white shirt was soaked in crimson from a wound that ran from his jaw and disappeared beneath his cervical collar. As I took a step forward, the present faded away. Without warning, I was yanked out of the hospital and plunged into the past. There I was, kneeling in the dirt at the duty station, looking down at Noah—his horror-struck, pleading eyes were locked on mine as his trembling hand reached up and fisted the front of my uniform.
My chest tightened to a point where I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Though I was frozen, paralyzed in that memory, I was distantly aware that, in the hospital, my actual body was moving backward.
Then, I felt a gentle hand on my arm.
I sucked in a sharp breath as my surroundings came backinto focus. I was back in the physician’s charting area, and there was Haley, staring up at me.
I felt her thumb brush my forearm. “Hey…” she whispered. I looked around, letting out a few ragged breaths. “Sit down.” She gestured to a chair, and I slowly lowered myself into it. She crouched in front of me, sliding her hand from my forearm to my wrist, pressing two fingers against my pulse point. “Your heart is racing.”
“I’m fine.”
“Blake–”
“I’m fine, Haley,” I repeated more firmly.
I took a few deep breaths, running my clammy palms along the length of my thighs before I stood. I looked at her, and I could see the concern in her green eyes, but she said nothing else.
Dr. Wileman ended up taking the MVA patient. I stuck with the ones I already had, working with them until I took my lunch break.
I was halfway to the breakroom when I heard my name being called, and I turned to see Dr. Tomblin standing at the end of the hallway near her office. “Can I speak to you?”
“Of course,” I said, making my way toward her.
She gestured toward her open office, and I walked inside, hearing her close the door when she followed me in. “Have a seat.” I nodded, lowering myself into one of the chairs as she took the one on the other side of her desk. “I just wanted to ask how you were doing.”
I couldn’t help but feel a bout of déjà vu at that moment. “I’m alright.”
She nodded. “Listen…you told me a little about what you went through. You mentioned what you were dealing with when you left Womack…” I stiffened. I didn’t go into detail, but I did tell her about my PTSD during my interview. I didn’t have to, but I thought she should know in case I had an episode. I also told her I was taking the necessary steps to manage it. “You seem stressed lately. I just want to be sure you’re alright.”
Her voice held no judgment, only concern. Somehow, that made me feel worse. “I’m just…dealing with some things. Nothing I won’t get through.” At least, I hoped so.
She nodded. “You know, it’s okay for you to take a couple of days off if you need to rest and regroup. I can get someone to cover your shifts.”
I held her gaze. It wasn’t an order, just a suggestion. I could say no, since being off from work wasn’t going to help me like she thought it might. But I remembered all the times on base when I was offered the same thing and declined. I didn’t want to seem rude or insubordinate for refusing ‘help’ when offered.
So, I nodded reluctantly. “Okay.”
“Why don’t you take the rest of your shift today and your shift tomorrow?” she suggested. “That’ll give you your regular weekend off, and you can come back Monday, recharged and regrouped.”
Ten minutes later, I was walking out of the locker room with my bag. I saw Haley at the nurses’ station, her eyes following me as I walked by, but I didn’t look at her as I walked out the door.
As I suspected, taking time off from work didn’t do much for my state of mind. I felt like a recluse, only leaving for walks with Maverick down to the beach. But even Maverick didn’t run like usual. He seemed to know something was off and would stay beside me while I sat on a piece of driftwood and looked out at the water.
I could have used the time to clean my house, which was a mess—typically, I was well-organized and a bit of a neat freak, but lately, I didn’t have the motivation or mental energy to clean up.
