"Yes, I figure I still have a ways to go with this, but this was where I needed to start."
"I understood more than you thought why you treated me the way you did. I made my peace with it and forgave you."
"But you still left. You didn't trust me."
Her eyes widened and then narrowed. "Yes, I suppose that's true. To some extent. But I know now that I also left out of fear. It wasn't as simple as just one thing. And in the end, it really was for the best. I needed to go through what I did in order to get to where I am now."
Nate nodded, though it was hard to hear her basically admit that breaking up with him had been for the best. It was the one reason he wasn't here to try to change her mind. Hehad to be willing to find peace in his life without her before attempting to see if she would give him a second chance. Why would she want to give their relationship another shot if he still needed to get himself together?
"Anyway, I won't take up any more of your afternoon. I just wanted to try and make this right with you. Thank you for giving me that opportunity."
"Nate—“
Whatever she'd been about to say got lost in the shrieks of two young girls as they burst through the back door and headed for the play structure. Will followed behind them, yelling their names. When they didn't respond, he turned to where Nate and Lily sat.
"Sorry, guys," he said, a rueful look on his face. "Amy didn't realize you were out here when she told the girls they could come out."
Nate stood. "That's okay. I was just leaving." He turned back toward the woman who held his heart. "Thanks again, Lily."
She nodded but didn't say anything.
He stuck out his hand toward Will. The other man took it in a firm shake. "See you around."
And even though the ache in his heart grew with each step he took away from Lily, Nate knew that it was what he had to do. Just as she felt she’d had to walk away from him, it was now his turn to walk away from her.
For now.
~*~*~
"Lily?"
Her gaze followed Nate as he walked away from her. Without a backward glance, he went down the back steps and around the corner of the manor. It felt as if her heart was being squeezed by a big hand—tighter and tighter—until she thought it would burst. In their seven years together, they'dnever had such an emotional conversation. He had never talked about his feelings. He'd never talked about how things were between them. And he'd certainly never broached his own spiritual life. It was all she would have wanted...three years ago. If he'd been as honest with her then as he had been just now, she might not have left.
But now he was the one walking away from her. Was that it? He was making things right, asking forgiveness, in order to move forward in his life. Did any part of that have room for her? Or had she burned that bridge three years ago?
"Lily? Are you okay?"
The urgency in Will's voice drew her attention back to him. She stared at her brother as she tried to gather herself back together. "I'm fine."
He sat down in the chair so recently vacated by Nate. "He said he wouldn't upset you."
Was she upset? Yes, among other things, she was probably upset. But she was also stunned. "It's okay. It was a conversation we needed to have."
"Are you guys back..." Will's voice trailed off as she shook her head.
"It wasn't about that. This was about our past. About the way he'd treated me."
Will's brow furrowed as his expression darkened. "Did he hurt you? You never said anything about that."
Again Lily shook her head. "No, it wasn't like that." Her gaze dropped to the sleeping baby in her lap. Did she want to share the pain she'd felt back then? The pain that had led to her decision to leave Collingsworth three years ago? She stroked a finger down the baby's soft cheek. "Back then, Nate worked our relationship into the available spaces in his life. I know it seemed like we spent a lot of time together, but it was only as long as his mom and dad or the garage hadn't already taken that time. There were many times I asked if we could go someplace or do something when he'd say nobecause the garage needed him or his mom or dad did. I kind of felt like I'd been penciled in at the bottom of his priority list."
"I didn't know," Will said, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his thighs.
"You were caught up in other things." Lily looked out across the back yard in the direction Jessa and Lance had gone. "Everyone was. Even though I wasn't his first priority, my relationship with Nate gave me some feeling of having a place in someone's life."
She glanced at Will as he let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry, Lil. You did kind of get lost in the shuffle back then, didn't you?"
"It shouldn't have mattered, but I needed to grow up a bit to understand that. These past three years have helped me to do that."
