And now he was here to apologize to Lily.
He climbed from the truck and rounded the hood to head for the front door. As he waited for someone to answer his knock, he prayed he could do this. Right then it was just to ask for forgiveness. That was step one. The other steps would come in time...hopefully.
"Nate!" Will smiled at him. "C'mon in."
"Thanks," Nate said as he stepped past him into the foyer. "Is Lily here?"
"Yes, she is. I think she's on the back porch."
Nate hesitated then asked, "Is it okay if I go talk to her?"
Will stared at him for a second. "Are you planning to upset her?"
"I hope not. That's not my intention."
Will clapped him on the shoulder. "Then go for it."
Nate walked through the kitchen, out the back door. His gaze immediately found Lily. She sat in the swing at the far end of the porch, her head bent over a small bundle in her arms. The sight was like a kick in the gut.
Lily with a baby.If things had been different_
Nate cut the thought off. That was not why he was here. Today he was there to ask forgiveness from her. He couldn't allow himself to think beyond that just yet. He ran a hand through his hair as he slowly walked toward her.
"Lily?" He wished he'd worn a hat that he could have pulled off so he had something to do with his hands. Instead, he shoved them into his pockets and watched as she looked up, surprise spreading across her face.
"Nate? What are you doing here?"
He motioned to the chair placed not too far from the swing. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
Her eyes widened as she nodded. "Have you met Daniel Joshua?" She leaned forward, moving the blanket from the baby's face. "Isn't he beautiful?"
Nate found himself nodding, even though he was pretty sure the little guy would have objected to being called beautiful if he could have voiced his thoughts. "How is he doing?"
"Really great. I offered to sit with him for a bit while Jessa and Lance took a walk down to the lake. Jess was cooped up for so long that she likes to be outside as much as possible. And I think she could use a little time with Lance, just the two of them."
Nate nodded, watching as she set the swing in motion with her foot. He didn't say anything at first, but then she looked up at him, curiosity on her face. He sat back in the chair and cleared his throat.
Rubbing at the leg of his jeans, he tried to pull his thoughts together. He'd rehearsed this several times before coming, but he hadn't counted on seeing Lily looking so beautiful with a baby in her arms. It had completely knocked him off track. "Ummm...I've come to apologize."
Lily's brow furrowed. "Apologize? For what?"
Nate stared out over the back yard for a moment before turning his gaze back to her. "I didn't treat you very well when we were together."
"What?" Lily tilted her head.
Nate looked down at the wooden boards beneath his feet. "I never gave you the priority I should have. I kept putting things off that I knew were important to you." He took a deep breath. "You deserved better than that. I knew that then and still chose to act the way I did."
"Why are you telling me this now?" Lily asked softly.
Because I love you with all my heart.
The words wrapped around Nate's chest like a vise, robbing him of breath for a second. "I need to make things right. Because I need peace."
She stared at him, her gaze intent and then she said, "The sermon this morning?"
"Yes. Since my mom's..." Nate paused and swallowed hard. "Since my mom's death, I've just been trying to keep my head above water. The fire was just kind of the last straw." Actually, finding out about her MS diagnosis was, but right now was not the time to bring that up. "I want to thrive, not just survive from day to day. And I realized today that no matter how well my business does, as long as I feel like I’m drowning under the other things that have happened to me, I will always just be in survival mode. I don't want that anymore."
Lily nodded. "I got to that point when I was dealing with my MS diagnosis as well. I needed to learn to accept it and be grateful for each day I was given instead of being dragged down into a depression over why it had to be me dealing with it. Can't say it was easy, but in the end it was worth it." She gave him a small smile. "Not saying I don't have down days—I do—but they aren't as frequent or as difficult as they once were."
