"I guess I'd get up and get ready for my day. Take a shower. Do my makeup."
"Are you planning to wash your hair? Shave your legs? Because on certain days, those two tasks would each require a spoon. Then you'd do your hair and makeup. Two more spoons. Getting dressed. Another spoon. So you've spent five spoons, and you haven't even had breakfast yet. And if you're making your own breakfast that will be another spoon. You're halfway done with your spoons and the day has just started."
Amy's brows drew together. "Seriously? So you have to plan out your day like that?"
"Yes. Particularly when I’m dealing with stress or I’m overtired. There can be stretches of time where I’m able to get through my days without having to focus on my spoons, but that’s usually when I’ve taken the time to balance my life. Get the rest I need. Eat a balanced, healthy diet. Take my medication. Get a little exercise."
"How many spoons did it take you to do what you did for me today?" Nate asked. He had leaned back, one arm on the table, the other hooked over the back of his chair.
"Barely one. Sitting like that doesn't require too much energy." Lily decided she might as well put it all out there. "I did have to stop though when my brain started getting a bit foggy."
"Foggy?" Nate moved forward, his brown gaze intent on her. "What do you mean?"
"It's just another part of the MS. Sometimes when I'm tired my brain goes a little...foggy. It's hard to describe. But usually it means I can't focus as well and tend to make mistakes. That's why I went upstairs to lay down before supper. Rest helped to lift that fog for the time being."
Nate's gaze held hers for a long moment before he said, "I wish you'd told me."
Lily glanced at Will and Amy, not sure she wanted to have this discussion with an audience. "I did what I needed to. I couldn't deal with everyone else's emotions about it when I was still trying to come to terms with it myself."
"I wasn't everyone else, Lily." His voice had a gruff edge to it, and though it wasn't a tone she'd often heard from him, Lily knew his emotions were stirred.
She swallowed hard. "I did what I had to."
"I'm sure none of us understand what that was like," Amy said, no doubt feeling the emotionally charged air between Lily and Nate.
Lily shot her a grateful look. "Having spent the last few years getting used to living with this disease makes it easier for me to tell you about it."
"You’re going to get tired of the questions, aren’t you?" Will commented.
"If you really want to find out more about it, I can give you a website to visit. Or just do a search for it." Lily paused then said, "I have been diagnosed as having the relapsing-remitting form of MS. There are lots of symptoms listed on the websites, but at the moment, I don't have all or even most of them. The thing to remember is that this disease is very unpredictable. I can be fine one day and have a relapse the next. And there are things called invisible symptoms. They're the ones you can't necessarily see that I might be dealing with.
“More than anything I just need people to trust that I know my limits. If I say I can't do something, even if I look fine, respect that I know my body can't handle it. I take medicine that helps keep the disease from progressing more quickly, and I also take medication to help with symptoms and things like pain. Though I may go for long stretches of time without my symptoms worsening or changing or having a relapse, I eventually will get worse. It's pretty much a given. Unless they find a cure..."
Lily pulled her plate back toward her and took another bite. The silence around the table was heavy, and she was sorry in a way she'd brought it down, but she needed them—Nate especially—to understand what lay ahead. She might look normal, but the disease was at work in her body, and sooner or later, her bad days would be more frequent than her good ones.
Several people came in the back door, stalling any further conversation. Lily focused on finishing up most of what was on her plate, completely aware of Nate sitting in silence so very close to her.
Amy stood up and reached for their plates, stacking them in front of her before carrying them to the sink. "Everyone ready for dessert?"
Lily declined but offered to take some up to Jessa. She needed to get away from the tension radiating off Nate. Though Lance had eaten dinner with Jessa, he left the two of them alone when she came bearing ice cream for his very pregnant wife.
Jessa seemed to sense that she didn't want to talk about herself. So instead, as Jessa enjoyed her dessert, they talked about the baby and all the things she looked forward to doing once she was off bed rest. As Lily looked at her eldest sister, she remembered the struggle she'd often had when it had come to her relationship with Jessa. Though not old enough to be her mother, it was the role she'd taken on for Rose and Lily when Gran had started to pull away near the end of her life. Most outside the family hadn’t known it, but Rose hadactually been Laurel’s daughter, so Gran’s death had allowed her to claim Rose as her daughter in a way she never had been able to before. That had left Lily. And finding out about their mother hadn’t changed anything since Elizabeth hadn’t been in any shape to be a mother to anyone, let alone an eighteen-year-old girl looking for that connection.
And then when Lance had come along, and Jessa's attention had been caught up with him and the renovations on the manor, Lily had felt as if she'd just been set adrift. Nate had been the only one who had stuck by her during that time. It had been difficult for her to accept all the changes. Looking back now, she could see how immature she'd been. How self-centered in wanting the attention for herself.
"Everything going okay with you, sweetie?" Jessa asked as she reached out to brush her hand along Lily's cheek. "And I'm not asking about the MS side of things. Just in general. Are you doing okay being back home?"
Lily rested back against the pillow and sighed. "There are a few adjustments, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I'm glad to be home."
"And we're…I am glad you're home. I've missed you."
As they lay there together, Lily shared about her time in London. "I have lots of pictures I can show you."
"I'm so glad you got to experience that. I'm such a homebody that I'll just live vicariously through you." Jessa paused. "Are things okay between you and Nate? Are you finding it difficult to have him staying here?"
"It's okay. He's had some hard hits lately. I don't think a motel would be a good place for him. He knows about the MS now, so that's all out in the open."
Jessa's eyes widened. "You told him?"
