“Thankfully, leaving after tomorrow,” I reply, breathing him in. He smells like vanilla now that we aren’t in the same room anymore. He’s gone back to his old body wash.
“You’re tough. You got this.” He squeezes me and kisses my forehead.
“I don’t know how much I can take. They have already covered my job, my hair, my clothes, my love life—which went on for literal hours—the hotel, the team in the hotel, having to get on a bus with everyone to the half day they only wanted to do at the track.” I have broken away from his arms and am ranting and throwing my arms around, pacing in front of him.
“How could they say anything about your appearance? You’re gorgeous and amazing.” He walks towards me and scoops me back into his arms, like holding me can help ground me when I am like this. “You know you could just say you are seeing me? Would that help with the love life part?”
I sigh. “Honestly, that won’t even help. They will then say, ‘You’re not getting any younger. You need to not be seeing someone you work with. Where would it even go?’ It would be another few hours of more critiquing.” Myhead rests on his shoulder, feeling his heart rate speeding up under my hand resting on his chest.
“But maybe that would help?” He lifts my chin to look into my eyes and presses on. “Mabel, I love you. I know I am putting you on the spot by saying it, but we have been doing whatever this is for the last five months, and I can’t keep hiding my feelings from you. Sorry it’s a shit time to tell you, but I need to. I’ve wanted to for the last few months.”
I drop my arms from around Riley and step back. “Riley, I said from the start, I am not a relationship person. Look how fucked up the supposedly ‘most important relationship’ in my life is. I can’t bring someone else into that shit show.” I pace again. My emotions are at the brim, threatening to spill, but I have pushed them away. Denied thinking about them for so long because that will cause me to confess my feelings and put myself out there. How could anyone love someone like me?
I almost said ‘I love you’ in the mid-season break, but chickened out and then pushed down those thoughts and feelings. Did I push them so far down I became disconnected from them?
“Are you saying you don’t have feelings for me?” Riley asks. He has more courage than me.
“Riley.” I need a pause, a moment, a lifeline. “I don’t know. This is the wrong time to talk about something like this. I’m at capacity.” My hands go to my head. What am I doing? What am I saying?
“It shouldn’t be something that pushes your capacity,” Riley adds softly, turning slightly, unable to look at me head on.
“I better go. Can we talk about this later?” I move to pick up my bag, wrapping my arms around it, pressing it in front of me, shielding my heart.
“Sure,” Riley says weakly and opens the door, eyes not meeting mine, suddenly real interested in the carpet.
“I’m…sorry,” I can only muster, and leave without looking back, my eyes brimming, threatening to spill if I look back at him. The heavy door thunks closed behind me and I jump at the sound. Exhaling to steel myself, I turn to the elevator. Hiding out in the hotel’s bar sounds like a good idea at the moment.
I find a table tucked in a quiet corner and am grateful table service is available, as I order a beer. It arrives promptly and I hope this will help. I’m not much of a drinker to forget my troubles, but my appetite has disappeared, and this sounds like a good idea for the moment. My mind is a swirl of thoughts, feelings, regrets. But I can’t get them straight to think about them clearly.
Halfway through my beer, a shadow falls over me. “Good evening, Mabel.”
I look up from my trance. “Good evening, Koby.”
“Everything okay?” he asks, his dark brown eyes full of concern, the lines on his forehead creasing.
“Oh, you know. Parents driving me mad, and…other things on my mind,” I reply.
“Did you go for the ‘I have to get some work done’ tactic?” He gestures to my laptop, sitting unopened on the table. “I’ve done that before.”
I laugh. “Yeah, I had an opening and took it. Glad I am not the only one.”
“Do you mind if I sit?” Koby asks.
“Please, feel free.” I wave a hand at the empty seat to my side. I like Koby. He's kind and friendly. I can see why people love staying in his team equally as Rayna’s. Riley has nothing but positives to say about him. My cheek winces slightly at the thought of Riley.
“I saw you deep in thought and chewing on the side of your mouth, thought I'd better come over and offer an ear or you’ll chew a hole through your mouth.” He tries to lift the mood.
Snorting a laugh, I shake my head. “Yeah, I have a bit going on. My parents have been non-stop and they only just arrived. I met Riley’s parents when they were here, and it’s disappointing the choices my parents made to be so negative. I’ve always known it, but I guess being away from them and amongst so many great people in the paddock, it’s become unbearable to put up with it with a smile and a silent scream.”
“You get older and realise your parents are people, too. And as you evolve and become your own person, your values don’t always align. And rather than being able to just walk away, you have to deal with these people who infuriate you. Unless they are insanely toxic. Just cut them right out,” he ends with a smile.
“Thanks, that’s so true.” I shake my head for letting so much get to me. I have to continue to just distance myself. They are never going to change.
“I’m surprised you aren’t down here with Riley? I know he won’t be wanting you to be sitting alone without trying to make you laugh or lighten your load?” he asks.
“We…sort of…had an argument,” I meekly reply.
“Ah, lovers’ tiffs are unavoidable. Especially when we are all in close quarters,” he offers.
