Riley
October – Queensland Raceway, Queensland
Dipping into a corner, the bike slips and I have to pick it up to avoid dropping it to the ground completely. Something’s not right with it. Applying and releasing the brake doesn’t improve anything in the next corner as the bike continues into the gravelled run off area.Fucking hell. I manage to keep the bike upright and push it back on track, and slowly take it around the last half of the track and into pit lane.
Reaching my garage and letting the team take over the bike, I look for my Technical Director.
“Felix, what the fuck? I can’t feel anything through these fucking tyres,” I say heated, adrenaline peaking.
“What’s happening out there, Riley?” He looks up at me from his clipboard to take notes.
“No feeling. There’s no feedback. I can’t find the connection with the track, and then I am all the way into the gravel with no warning.” I throw my gloves on my chair.
“Let me go relay this to Anders and we’ll get it sorted for another whip around.” He scurries off.
My helmet is off and set down on my chair and I run my hands down my face.
Things have not been gelling this week. The team has felt off with some of the pit team off. And me. I am definitely off this week.
Seeing my parents brought some emotions up for me, and I hated not being around Mabel to talk them out with her. She has helped support me so much; I didn’t realise how easy it was to confide and share my thoughts with her.
My eye catches Felix’s as he approaches me again. “We’re going to change out some forks, give the suspension another once over, and then you can take it out again. Give them a few.”
He leaves after I nod, and I am back to my own thoughts again.
“I guess I just don’t know what else I could have done for her,” I lament into my laptop.
“This is the thing, Riley, there isn’t anything else you could have offered Kiara. This was set in her mind. Her thoughts and patterns. Her decision.”
“But if she was with me, I could have called an ambulance.”
“And that’s why she chose to not stay with you so she could do it. She knew you would help her, and she didn’t want to be helped. I know this is coming across as blunt, but remember that this wasn’t your fault. We can only offer people our support; it’s up to them to take it. You and your parents did everything you could for her.”
Normally I would accept what Cameron would say. He has been spot on with knowing what I need to hear, but I am regressing, rehashing, and going over everything again. I am feeling uneasy and questioning everything this week.
“Has anything happened lately that has caused these triggers? How is work going?”
“It was a cluster-fuck of training and having an off-week with the team. Something I normally would shake off and get back on track, but it’s triggered my spiralling thoughts.”
“And you mentioned you were sharing your hotel room with someone. Is that still okay?”
“We’ve not been able to be in the same hotel room together for a few weeks.” I pause. “We started a casual relationship a few months back and have been getting along really well. I did just have my parents here, and we weren’t able to spend time together like we used to. And now her parents are here. So even more time away from each other.”
“Hmmm. So you are out of your routine?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“And you said it was a casual relationship?”
“Yeah, that’s what we agreed upon when we started this. Mabel isn’t a relationship person.”
“However, it sounds like you have formed an intimate routine which involves her.”
I pause. “I think I have developed feelings for her.”
“And you haven’t toldher.”
“You’re good, Doc. I don’t want to jeopardise what we have going between us. It could scare her off, and I am enjoying the time we are spending together.”
