Dorran’s chest rises and falls evenly as he gives me a cocky smirk, then leans in before running the tip of his nose to my jaw, followed by the sensitive skin just under my left ear, causing goosebumps to mar my already heated skin. “Oranges,” he whispers, pressing a kiss on the shell of my ear. “It’s always fuckingoranges.”
“And it always will be,but…” I place a hand on his collarbone and softly push him away from me. “Why have you been practicing so religiously these last few days?” I ask. “And don’t try to deny it, because I promise you, you’ll fail at trying to convince me.”
He quickly scans my face, then takes a step back before gently plucking the bottle from my grasp. “You know why,” he answers simply, then uncaps the bottle and takes a long swig from it.
I cross my arms under my chest. “Aras has invited you toReignfor afriendlymatch this weekend, Dor,” I remind him. “But you’re acting as though he’s challenged you for the worldchampionship or some shit. Tell me what’s up because I know something is.”
Dorran sighs, drumming his long fingers against the bottle’s side. He averts his gaze from me a couple of times, then finally decides to look at me. “Look, firstly, I wasn’t expecting Aras to cash in his request of wanting to have a match with me. I know he’d told me that he would at some point, but I didn’t actually think he might, so that’s a little disorienting. Secondly, if I’m going to participate in this match, then I wanna make a great first impression.” He shrugs. “That’s it; that’s all there is to it.”
I try not to show how his words have surprised me, and I can only hope that it has worked. Keeping a straight face after hearing that is a bit tough. I mean, it’sDorran, after all. Self-confidence is one of his weapons; the guy is all but bathed in it, damn it. My instincts tell me to shake the doubts out of his mind, but I need to know why he’s having them to begin with.
“Aras is already beyond impressed with you, babe,” I tell him. “If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have asked you to be his blade at the night of the gala.”
Dorran shakes his head. “It’s not about the killing, Cigs.” He swipes the back of his taped hand under his nose. “All of Aras’s boxers will be present during the match, and I want them to see that I’m more than just a brute who guts people for money. Boxing may have taken a back seat for me because of work, but it’s still something I’m deeply passionate about.”
I don’t know why, but I feel my throat tightening at those words. “Hey.” I erase the space between us and touch my palm to the side of his face. “Where is this coming from, huh? Dor, you are one of the most selfless, talented, and understanding people I know. I don’t know what has caused you to question yourself, but whatever it is, know that it’s inconsequential and does not define who youreallyare.”
“You would say that; you’re biased.”
“What I am is honest,” I counter. “Dorran, if Aras’s boxers don’t see how fucking lucky they are to be able to watch you in that ring, then they aren’t exactly worth your time.”
He places his hand over mine. “It’s not just that,” he whispers.
“Then what is it?” I run the pad of my thumb over his cheek. “Talk to me, Dor.”
“I wanna feel like I belong, Cigs,” he says. “Like I’m somethingmore.”
I move back a little so that I can clearly meet his eyes. “And you feel like you’re not?” I know there’s an edge in my voice, but I can’t help it. I’m fucking pissed now.
Dorran senses it, of course. “It’s not what I meant. It’s just that–”
“You know what?Shut the hell up.” I shove at his chest. “Howdareyou think that way about yourself? I know you’re human and are occasionally allowed to feel this way, but damn you, Ledger, you are so much more than what you think you are. You are the kernel that keeps me and the crew together. You’re the reason we’re here, breathing the air around us. We may be headstrong in our own ways, but we’d be so fucking lost without you in our lives.” I lift a brow at him. “So, while I understand you wanting to have a one-man pity party in your head, know that you arenotallowed to doubt yourself, or so help me God, I will rip that brain out of your skull and use it as confetti while killing anyone who might think of you as anything less than what you are.”
“So, you’ll kill me first by destroying my brain, and then you’ll avenge me by killing a bunch of randos with my brain matter flying behind you like debris?” he sasses, the asshole. “Just making sure I’ve got the specifics right so that I can create a proper visual for it.”
“I think I’ll drown you for a significant amount of time, and then I’ll crack open your skull.”
“Wow.” He clicks his tongue. “What did you inhale before coming down here – a year’s worth of yourCharlotte Talbotcompact powder?”
A sound escapes my throat as I try not to laugh. “It’sTilbury, you idiot. Also, you’re changing the subject.”
“Am I? But I thought my soon-to-be demolished brainwasthe subject.”
I sneer at him. “Can you stop being annoying for a second and be serious?”
He groans as if I’ve inconvenienced him. “Fine.” He moves back and empties the bottle of water before placing it on the rack behind him, then starts undoing the wraps that are secured around his palms and fingers. “Look, Aras and Magner are the first people aside from you and the crew with whom I’ve felt comfortable. Like,reallycomfortable. Safiya too, of course, but my equation with her is slightly different, so I’m not exactly stressed about her.” He discards the wraps and places his hands on his hips. “I guess I just… I guess I don’t wanna screw things up. And like I said before: I don’t want Aras and his boxers to think I am nothing but a butcher. I keep thinking they must have a preconceived notion about me or some shit, and I want to prove them wrong. And I’m… I’m fuckingtrying, but nothing I’m doing is enough.” He looks at me with creased brows and a slight frown, then raises his arms by his sides. “Well, say something.”
“I wasn’t sure you were done, and I didn’t want to interrupt you.”
“And I appreciate that, but say something now because I’m losing my damn mind here.”
“Can I ask you something first?”
“Always,” he answers with ease.
“If Aras thought of you only as a killer for hire, do you think he would have invited you toReignfor a match – againsthim, no less?”
Dorran swallows but doesn’t say anything, his expression strained, which could mean that he’s actually mulling over my question. After a few seconds of silence, he shifts on his feet and shakes his head at me.
