He chuckles next to my ear, and my body reacts to it by arching against him a little.
“I think I’m more confused than surprised. I mean, getting so easily turned on by a goddamnperfumeisn’t exactly doing wonders for my reputation.” He presses one, and then another kiss on the side of my neck.
“I think it’s more about the person wearingit that does it for you, you dipshit.”
His teeth graze the area he’d just kissed, right before he presses them into my skin, making me suck in a breath. “You really are offended, aren’t you?” he says, and I can very clearly hear the amusement in his voice.
Instead of answering him, I use my free arm to elbow him in the side – hard. He grunts and lets go of me, and I take that as an opportunity to swivel to my left. Bringing a foot forward, I trip him, making him fall to the ground on all fours.
“Aww, so sorry about that,” I quip with a flutter of my lashes.
He scoffs. “You play dirty.” Getting on his knees, he looks up at me, and I’m left awestruck by howbeautifulhe is. It’s a fact I’ve known since I met him, but to this day, it still catches me off-guard.
Dorran’s expression is open as he studies me. “Will you promise me something?”
My brows crease, and my heart beats a little faster at his question. Stepping closer to him, I run the back of my fingers over the sharp angle of his cheekbone and give him a nod.
He smiles. “If things get messy tonight, swear to me that you’ll put yourself first, call Solo, andleave.”
I think I stop breathing for a second, because I have to gasp in order to inhale air into my lungs. “What the fuck happened at the meeting?” I can’t believe I got sidetracked by him and didn’t ask him about it.
He shakes his head. “Everything was great. But missions as big as this one are always fickle; the tides can change in asecond. I’m not saying they will tonight, but if they do, I want you to get outta there without thinking about anyone but yourself.”
I give him a look that I hope perfectly conveys my shock and anger. “I’m hurt that you would evensuggestsuch a thing, Dorran,” I say hotly. “Do you honestly think I could run away if you or the crew got into any sort of trouble? Is that the kinda person you think I am?”
He gets to his feet and raises his hands before him. “That’s not at all what I mea–”
“Well, fuck you either way,asshole,” I cut him off. “I’m not going to bail on you, no matter the circumstances. And I don’t care if I’m not good at shooting or fighting, or everything else you and the crew are great at, because if I’m attending that goddamn gala with you tonight, then I’m leaving withyou, you fucking hear me?”
The expression on his face is a mixture of concern and awe as he swallows and scans my face. “I can’t see you getting hurt,Cigs,” he says. “I cannot, and will not let you be a collateral in this whole thing.”
“Have a little faith in me, will you?”
“Ido,” he insists. “But I have to think of everything, be open to all other options. I obviously want the mission to go smoothly, but what if it doesn’t? There’s always that small percentage of doubt in my head when I say yes to a kill, and it just becomes a hundred times more crucial because I don’t have only myself to think about here, but also my family. I know I showed indifference about it earlier, but it’s honestly quite tough for me. And with Jayce gone…” He swallows again, and my chest tightens because Iknowit’s hard for him to be vulnerable, and yet he’s doing it because he cares so much.
I cup the back of his neck and tangle my fingers into his hair, and watch as his shoulders slump faintly in response to my touch.
“I’ve never gone on a mission without Jayce, and that fact has been digging a goddamn hole in my brain,” he confesses. “And it’s not that I don’t wanna do this, Cigs. I really do; I want to go through with the kills. I miss it – the thrill, the smell and taste of blood, the satisfaction of watching someone taking their last breath. I fucking miss it, and I want it back, because it’s one of the things that makes me feel alive, that makes me who I am. It’s the absence of Jayce that’s paralyzing my confidence, that’s making me wish things had gone differently that day at Chase’s estate. This…” He gently grabs one of my hands and brings it to the center of his chest. “It feels as though there’s a stiff weight right here.” Dragging my hand upward, he lets it rest at the base of his throat. “And this – this feels…constricted. I want to heave, but I also don’t. I wanna close my eyes and just sleep, but I also can’t bring myself to rest.”
His admission makes my eyes sting. “They died so that we can live, Dorran,” I say, the words hitting me like a sucker punch. “And as much as it pains me to admit it, it’s true that they’re gone. Missing them will forever be a part of our lives now, but I can’t lose you to your inner turmoil and distraction. I’m not strong enough for that. I’m just… I’m not.”
“Hey.” He places a knuckle under my chin and lifts my face so that he can look at me proper. “You won’t lose me,” he promises. “Absolutely nothing in this world can pull us apart, Cignette. And God forbid if something does, then I swear to you that I’ll tear through the depths of hell to come back to you. I’ll bleed, I’ll break, and I’ll kill some more, but I’ll make my way to you somehow. You’re my beginning and my end, Little Swan. You’re the only road to my salvation, and I love you so fucking much.”
I blink when my tears threaten to fall down my cheeks. “And I love you,” I tell him, before reaching up to kiss him. “Till the day I’m buried six feet under, and the time beyond that – I’ll love you, Dorran.” I reach up and fix some of his curls. “And, you won’t mess up tonight,” I say. “I know you won’t. But if you do, you’ve got me, Alex, and Varsha with you. We’ll figure it out together. You don’t have to do anything by yourself, I promise.”
He leans in and touches his forehead to mine, then takes a deep breath in before letting it out slowly. “I just love you so much,” he whispers.
I smile and press my lips against his. “I love you,” I whisper back. “Oh, and Dorran?”
He moves back a little and tilts his head to the side. “Yeah?”
“I go where you go, alright? Even if it’s to the end of the world, you’ll have me – always.”
4.
Ididn’t think I could love her any more than I already do, but what Cignette just said to me – it has completely stripped me of that notion. Because what I feel for her is beyond comprehensible. It’s something that can’t be expressed in words, nor can it be shown. It’s a thing that’s singed into my very blood, and it hums when she’s near me. It breathes life into the dark crevices of my fucked-up heart, and it encourages it to keep beating.
I cup her jaw and pull her face to mine, and watch as her lips part in a silent gasp. “God, I don’t deserve you,” I tell her, and mean it. “But fuck if I’ll stop myself from having you. I’m a greedy man when it comes to you, and I’ll continue to consume you until I no longer can.”
